Bloody cross with DH(19 Posts)
Sorry if this is long. So last night we were both meeting up with (separate) friends in a city. We agreed that driving together would be easiest, most cost effective etc. Now I know this is silly but I HATE driving in this city, it's huge and people drive like maniacs. I've been with DH for four years (only got married 6 months ago) and he knows this about me.
We had several conversations on the drive up where I said I wouldn't be happy to drive home and he said that was fine - he would drive.
Fast forward to me meeting him at about 8.30 to find him with a Chinese takeaway box, reeking of alcohol and definitely not in a fit state to drive. I was really cross and he flew into a huge rage, slamming the car doors and being pretty horrible. He maintains that he doesn't remember a conversation about who was driving (convenient) - but surely regardless if you weren't sure you would text and say "who's driving? I want another beer" or whatnot and it would have been fine. I met my girlfriends for lunch and luckily hadn't fancied wine, but if I did we would have been stranded in a city and had to fork out for a hotel.
We've made up I suppose, but he still doesn't see why I was so angry. AIBU to think he was really irresponsible and thoughtless? Essentially he knew that driving home would upset me - but decided drinking was more important
I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think next time you need to make alternative arrangements. I don't think you can expect him to drive all the time in the city because you don't like it. He should have suggested something else though if he wanted to get pissed!
I should say as well that I didn't think binge drinking would be an issue as we met our friends at 12pm! He said I should feel lucky that he doesn't get drunk every Saturday watching football like 'everyone else'. When I said I didn't know any other guys that did that, he said that's because I only know 'twats'...
Thanks Strumpetron. You're right, but the option of getting the train was discussed and he said he didn't mind driving, so I don't feel like I was forcing him to drive back ifswim. Maybe aibu there.
Sometimes adding alcohol makes normal, sane people do twattish things.
If its a one off YAB a bit U.
He shouldn't have said he didn't mind driving the daft sod. <rolls eyes> people ey!
Bit shitty if he'd agreed to drive I must say.
Chalk it up to experience though...if he's with friends for a significant amount of time, he's likely to have more than 1 drink.
Out of curiosity, if this type of scenario happens frequently, do you expect him to stay sober each time so that you don't have to drive?
I don't think you were unreasonable to be a bit miffed but I think your reaction was extreme and unnecessary. I'm presuming that you did drive home through the city that you dislike, so I can't see the issue.
You both had nice afternoons with your friends, focus on that and move on from this.
Yes, he was an arse to 'forget' your agreement but I think it is unreasonable to expect someone to drive everytime you go to a particular place because you don't like doing it. My DH gets caught like that - I have an eye problem which means I can't drive at night, and I do take it for granted a bit that he'll do it.
Thanks for all the comments so far.
I know I'm a wimp about the driving thing, I definitely take on board and should address it. In answer to some qs, it's only this one particular city I prefer not to drive in. I went to uni in Birmingham and used to drive around there without issue. I tend to drink less often than him (and am on a diet... In theory lol) so regularly drive home from nights out / friends houses. I think that's why I didn't feel bad about making him drive on this occasion.
I'll try to let it go and in future just won't coordinate plans with him. I just feel disappointed that I should have to do that really, I want to be able to rely on him if a plan has been made.
It is too easy to start relying on partners to do things we find tricky. Perhaps you should think about getting driving lessons in the city. Boost your confidence. I am a huge believer in equality and independence in relationships. It avoids scenes like this. However, your DH sounds like an arse and a bully when drunk. It is a good job he doesn't drink every Saturday. He was aggressive and insulted your friends. Maybe you need to talk about how he changes when he is drunk and how you feel about it.
VenusStar yep I did have to drive home and found it stressful, but the main reason I got quite so wound up was that he didn't think about whether I might have had a drink myself.
I don't ever force him to do things - if he had said in the morning that he didn't want to drive home I would have been more than happy for the ratbag to get the train, as would I have done.
Just because he isn't a complete twat all the time does not excuse being a twat some of the time. I hate that argument- well at least I don't do bla bla bla
I can see why you were annoyed! Over the last 3 years I have variously been breastfeeding, pregnant or taking medication that meant I couldn't drink. However, every single time DH has wanted a drink he has asked me if I would mind driving. It's just common courtesy. And like a pp said, what if you had been drinking (reasonable as you both agreed he would drive)? You made an arrangement, he should have stuck to it or contacted you to check it was OK. The reasons for the arrangement don't really matter.
If we go out like this and dh decides he wants to drive he knows he stays sober or its for him to make alternate arrangements.
Chalk it to experience but next time he offers to drive then make it clear that he stays sober or he forks out.
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