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to feel like im being phased out

(48 Posts)
theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 10:21:53

I've been good friends with a lady since our first dc's were born 5yrs a go. We live very close and used to see each other two or three times a week, and we're always texting etc. We're part of a circle of around five friends but we have always been especially close.
Last year my oldest two dc started going to pre school every morning to give me a few hours of peace with the dc3, around this time I stopped getting invited to Playgyms,
ach others house, general outings. I would always suggest we should meet after pre school in the afternoons but this never seemed to be an option for them. So I started seeing them less through no choice of my own.
A few months later my close friend introduced a new lady to the group, all seems fine and she was invited on a prearranged girls weekend away. She seemed to take a dialing to me, leaving me out of conversations.
The weekend after we got home she invites everyone round to hers for drinks, apart from me. I see photos on facebook and feel so left out. I confront my close friend who says they didn't think I'd want to come.
I've really tried to keep friendly asking if they fancy meeting up, going out etc but always met with some excuse.
I logged into facebook today for the first time in months and there they are again on a night out.
I feel really awkward now, I see my close friend on the school run everyday. Should i just accept they've moved on and just exchange pleasantries or try and salvage what used to be a really good friendship?

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 16:42:19

OP - I know you said if you hadn't bumped into one of the friends then you wouldn't have been invited but maybe it is partly a busy busy lifestyle.

I'd go to the party like I say. If they still aren't nice then leave them to it.

FruOla Sun 27-Oct-13 15:17:04

Preciousbane. Wendies are horrible, aren't they? sad

I really feel for anyone who has been the victim of a Wendy.

Preciousbane Sun 27-Oct-13 14:45:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tensixtysix Sun 27-Oct-13 14:36:13

Ignore the 'so called' friend. Not worth being upset over it.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Oct-13 14:25:06

Going against the grain here but I think you are being a tad unreasonable. They are inviting you to things, it's just that you can't make the times. And after pre school ( of your choosing) doesn't seem an ideal time for them to meet up.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 14:18:27

hello boys- I bumped into one of the group last week and she mentioned the party then invited me. If we hadn't bumped into each other I would never have been invited.

HotDogSlaughter Sun 27-Oct-13 14:13:03

Yes, classic Wendy behaviour here. It's happened to me too but luckily I wasn't very invested and moved on quickly. It's horrid though but you really can't and I stress can't bring it up and make a big deal. It hurts like hell but just, chin up and fake it.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 14:05:56

I've just seen your post where one of the friends invited you to a (kids) party?

well if she invited you, why can't you go? You could always take the opportunity to say, Yes I've been busy with move etc - isn't life hectic with me working shifts etc but still I'd LOVE to come on a few nights out with you, if we can talk about it and arrange it!

if the other parents/friends are there - and if you say this positively and assertively it could catch them off guard - even the Wendy and a few other friends (like the one who invited you to the party) may think 'hold on a sec' and invite you out more. then you can maybe pal up more with the other friends. see what I mean?

worth a try and saves you making new friends.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 13:54:22

theignored - this Wendy is jealous - no 2 ways about it.

Shows how much influence she has and how sheeplike the others are being if they're ignoring you.

Digs or comments about 'how good looking your husband are' are only the start.

and like I said before - this 'close' friend of yours can't be that close if she behaves like this. I know it hurts but give yourself a few weeks of coming to terms with this (yes I've been there) and try to tentatively make new friends and before long these women will be in the past.

It may be a good idea to make friends with people you have stuff in common with rather than just the kids.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 13:29:13

My ds and close friends dd are in the same class, so I will always have to see her I guess but could deffo keep it to pleasantries. Wendy lives in a different town that's not so nice, and tried and failed to get into my local school.
I think your right, maybe I've outgrown them, Wendy always made a point of saying how good looking my husband and children were hmm
Maybe I I convince myself she was jealous I won't feel so shit about the whole situation

Canthaveitall Sun 27-Oct-13 13:10:41

Yanbu. You have already asked once so I wouldnt do it again. I would move on and make new friends. It's difficult but it will happen.

I had a similar thing happen to me , only the women were all DH's friends and partners. We all used to meet up, go shopping etc. Over time I got pushed out. The final incident was having met them for coffee one afternoon , it was let slip they were going out that evening. I clearly wasn't invited and it was so hurtful as we had been .'friends' for years.

I just walked away from the lot of them. It was essentially one woman who led it but the others were complicit so as bad. This is what your 'close' friend is doing now.

I still see some of them but I am just polite.

Life is so much better without that crap.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 12:39:11

Yes, I don't know where you live but engross yourself (if you have time) in village activities you want to go to.

WI is apparently becoming very trendy again please shoot me if you don't want to do jam and Jerusalem but apparently it's really not like that! grin

I've learned from various friends I've fallen out with or they with me etc to stick to the ones I like or make new ones. best you found out now really what these women are like.

thebody Sun 27-Oct-13 12:38:02

oh dear op they sound very very childish and nasty.

it's not your fault and you are best out if it.

congrats on your move and house, they are silly and jealous.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 12:36:49

This is horrid.

Yes, does sound as if you've been Wendied but really your close friend and the close friends of close friends don't seem as CLOSE as they were originally to you or want to bother.

Do you bump into any new neighbours/kids clubs etc? that you can strike up conversations with? where do your I can't believe I'm typing this! real friends live?

just make an effort to socialise more as it does sound like as propertyNIGHT says they could well be jealous.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 27-Oct-13 12:36:08

I was going to say what propertyNIGHTmare said. I too was thinking: pre-school (is that something OP has to pay for?), moving (is that to a nicer house?). I think you have moved on OP and they haven't. It may be that they are insecure themselves or just that they are plain jealous and feel you have stepped out of their league.

It happened to me 20 years ago. And a uni chum of DH's has totally left us behind so we have done it in reverse too.

Just move on - your DC will probably end up at different schools, with different friends and you will become part of a whole new circle. It's the sort of narrow mindedness that stops the world turning if you ask me.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 27-Oct-13 12:32:03

Well in that case I reckon it could honestly be as simple as your success and nice house/location are sticking in your former friends' throats. There are ridiculous amounts of jealous women around. You only have to look at the ridiculous fuss made on MN about the whole Christmas appeal nominations. I would just move on. Leave these jealous losers behind ad make some new mates.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:25:01

Property- yes it's a lovely house in a lovely village with a lovely school, two mins walk from close friend.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 27-Oct-13 12:22:23

You mentioned that you moved house. Is it a nice, big house by amy chance? Better than your friends' houses? You could be dealing with straightforward envy here. It does not sound Wendy like to me as they had started phasing you out before the new woman came on the scene.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:19:19

Spanky shock

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:18:18

Wendy has also integrated herself into my close friends close friends (if that makes sense)
Close friend once said to me, Wendy was at the other day. After apparently meeting her once.
I must have raised an eye brow, as close friend said to me 'it doesn't matter were all grown ups'
I took from this, that close friend new exactly what Wendy had done to me and realised it could happen to her too??

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:14:24

I still see my close friend but mostly on the school run, we hardly text anymore. I'm no longer on Facebook because it left me feeling shit too often so it's probably easier for them to leave me out now.
After I was not invited to Wendy's house for drinks the first time, I broached the subject with close friend. She was sorry I had been made to feel like that and said she'd make an extra effort but nothing changed.
I've stopped asking my close friend to do things or meet because the response was always 'sorry Wendy has already invited me to...'
and the invite obviously wasn't extended to me.
Or I'd get a text from my close friend saying 'hi, were all going out on the 5th, can you make it?'
I work shifts as does my hubby, and more often than not I can't make the date. I'd tell her that and she would reply 'oh that's a shame that's the only date we can all do'
Obviously I'm not important enough to have a say on the date etc.
But then occasionally close friend will say 'I've not heard from you in ages' which leaves me all paranoid again.

happy2help Sun 27-Oct-13 12:08:18

It's horrible OP, it's happened to me and it's humiliating and really does knock your confidence. It's made me realise that I , will never let myself get so close to anyone again. Not to say I won't make friends/don't have friends but I'll never put myself in that position again. Now I tend to not confide in people about my own problems (except I would on MN obviously). One of the worst things is that I've told a couple of people who I thought would be friends for life, some really personal stuff - I'll never make that mistake again.
We still get together, but I never disclose anything about myself anymore, but I make sure I'm happy and bubbly and smile and chat. I will never get over it tbh, but hope you can xxx

spanky2 Sun 27-Oct-13 12:00:47

The Wendy in my case has told everyone that the reason my ex friend's dh had a heart attack was because ex best friend had an affair with wendy's dh. He did have a heart attack but that wasn't the reason. Stay well away.

Lilacroses Sun 27-Oct-13 11:57:54

I posted on here as well theignored when it happened to me and was hugely comforted that I wasn't alone in this too. Hope things get easier for you soon. I certainly had a big emotional shift when I finally properly realised my "Wendy" was not interested in including me and not interested in how I felt at all actually. It was a big moment for me and allowed me to stop making an effort with her. Things started to look up from there on really. Good luck to you.

WhatABeautifulPussy Sun 27-Oct-13 11:53:18

I suspect either she's jealous of you on some level or she saw you as an easy target because of your schedule, which meant she didn't see you as much as she saw the others.

Are you still close to your close friend or has she drifted away too?

I'd try to maintain individual friendships. Over time it will probably become obvious that if you're seeing all of them and they all still like you the issue is with the Wendy.

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