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To ask H to do regular drugs tests?

(66 Posts)
SadLadyinTears Sat 26-Oct-13 23:47:25

He recently admitted to a £400 pw alcohol/cocaine habit. I sent him to MIL to sort himself out and he is booked in for counselling. We have dc 8 and 5 and he also admitted drug/drink driving on school run (i work, he doesnt). I asked him if he would be willing to be tested regularly when he returns and he said yes, he would. I think it will help with building my trust (which is utterly broken) and also act as a deterrent if he is feeling tempted to fall off the wagon. Nonetheless I feel pretty weird about the whole thing. AIBU?

Frostedloop Sat 26-Oct-13 23:53:31

Initially I was going to say yes but having read that.. No you're not!

xCupidStuntx Sat 26-Oct-13 23:54:49

You're definitely not being unreasonable!

wellfuckit Sat 26-Oct-13 23:56:34

I don't thing YABU but I doubt it will act as a deterrent - addiction is way more complicated than how you appear to understand it.

Very sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can both get to the other side as unscathed as is possible.

HildaOgden Sat 26-Oct-13 23:57:26

I think it could actually make your trust issues worse.You will be constantly checking him...and you are his wife,not his jailer.Being put in that role will badly effect you,I think.

He won't have sorted himself out by staying at his mothers...he needs professional help for his addictions before you can really start to have any faith in his recovery.

Canthisonebeused Sat 26-Oct-13 23:58:08


Is he willing to consider AA or NA or similar. Maybe get him to access local drug and alcohol services for support. They may provide drug testing if he engages.

QuintsHollow Sat 26-Oct-13 23:59:35

So, if he does not work, your salary pays for cocaine and drink to the tune of 1600 per month? You know this is a full salary of £19k NET per year?

Who pays for this?

Jolleigh Sun 27-Oct-13 00:00:30

YANBU - you need to now he's completely clean if he's to be around the children. It's not about trust but safety. How long since he last used?

lifesgreatquestions Sun 27-Oct-13 00:01:52

I don't think it's unreasonable, but I don't think it bodes well in a partnership. Heart goes out to you op.

AgentZigzag Sun 27-Oct-13 00:03:22

Same as Frosted.

£400?? shock

That is some problem.

If it's part of the deal and he's accepted it then that's the way to go.

But how long do you do it for?

If he's like this does that mean it's in his blood now (so to speak) and he'll always have that chasing the dragon feeling? Like a 60 a day smoker who gives up, or an alcoholic always craving that burning your first drink gives you.

QuintsHollow Sun 27-Oct-13 00:03:27

25k per year, before tax.

Where does he find the money to fund this habit?

DameDeepRedBetty Sun 27-Oct-13 00:03:57

Yanbu, but he needs to go for proper professional rehab. Keeping it in the family does occasionally work, but not very often, and if he's been drug-driving the childen he's fairly far gone.

Wishing you all the very best.

SadLadyinTears Sun 27-Oct-13 00:13:16

Quints, he has been running up credit card debts - thats how i found out. He is going to drugs counsellors, but this is all a recent discovery and I know we have a long and hard road ahead even if he sucessfully stays away from his dealer and the off licence. Its been 2 weeks since I packed him off to his mums and we are taliking about him returning in a couple of weeks time, in time for one of the kids birthdays. I dont want to be his jailer, but I do not want to be his enabler either, so, if he stays clean, he has my support and we can in good time get to marriage counselling to see if we can repair our broken relationship. If he doesn't, well, he has already damaged our marriage very badly and I am not sure how much more I will take. And, on a practical level, I cant afford to keep him. I wont risk losing our family home...

QuintsHollow Sun 27-Oct-13 00:17:20

To be perfectly honest with you, you need to sever any financial ties with him before you even consider whether you should consider a relationship with him.

If I were you, I would divorce him, and I would do all I could to co-parent successfully, and see whether he could change or not, before
1. dating
2. deciding to let him back in

Not sure what credit card company would allow such big credit limit. Or did he have many? If so, how could he get credit, if he has no job?
Did he take the credit in YOUR name, based on your income?

Is he on the mortgage? Do you own your home together?

Canthisonebeused Sun 27-Oct-13 00:20:13

It's one thing having counceling but invitation habit I would imagine he would need to be looking at a new job to get away from colleagues who Are using or at the very least cut friendships and change many day to day living tasks in order to stay away from dealers, triggers and feelings.

He needs to build a new support network through local services and support groups.

Casmama Sun 27-Oct-13 00:21:16

I'm not sure that a £400 a week drug habit is solved in 4 weeks staying with his mother.

If I was you there is no fucking way I would have him home and looking after my kids i two weeks time.

Casmama Sun 27-Oct-13 00:23:31

Sorry not a helpful reply.
He needs to prove to you that he can get over this addiction before you even think of him moving back in.

SadLadyinTears Sun 27-Oct-13 00:30:47

Casmama, thats why the drug test. he knows Ill send him packing if he fails. Our finances are all separate and I own the house. And Ive seen a family lawyer already.

QuintsHollow Sun 27-Oct-13 00:31:31

Why put yourself through this?

SadLadyinTears Sun 27-Oct-13 00:32:39

How d'you mean quints? Whichever way the cat jumps I'm
in for a tough ride

IamChristmas Sun 27-Oct-13 00:37:22

Do you still want to be with him after all this? I don't mean is it sensible/easier than the alternative, I mean is it what you really want?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 27-Oct-13 00:38:06

He needs residential drug rehab, then a long, healthy recovery, then maybe you would look at possibly starting a relationship with him which probably won't work because he will be a different person once he does some work on himself. A month at his Mum's and drug testing won't work.

SadLadyinTears Sun 27-Oct-13 00:40:44

Right now I still love him, and I married him intending it to be for life. I want us to be happy together, and our children to have a stable happy childhood. The kids come first, and if his behaviour threatens their well being I'll swallow my romantic pride and do the best thing for them.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 27-Oct-13 00:44:58

He drove them while drunk and on drugs. YABU.

MaryZombie Sun 27-Oct-13 00:49:54

As he is an addict, you can't trust home drug tests. Unless you are actually going to stand in the bathroom and watch him pee. And even then they can be fooled, apparently hmm

Three weeks is far too short to see if he is "clean". You need at least three months with him out of the house to see any difference. And more importantly for him to see if he can live without drugs and drink.

You cannot turn yourself into a jailer, a checker, an enforcer, a carer. Doing so will not help your children at all. For you to survive this as an intact family, he needs to prove to himself as well as to you that his addiction is under control. And he doesn't know that in a couple of weeks.

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