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To go away when my baby is so young

(101 Posts)
SoggyBottoms Fri 25-Oct-13 20:52:24

Am on mat leave with DD1, who is now 15 weeks old. I'm not planning on going back to work for a while yet, but I've been asked to take part in a special, one-off project in about six weeks time. It's very high profile and would be really good for my career. But I'd have to spend a week abroad and away from my baby girl - it wouldn't be an option to take her as it's in a developing country. She would be about five months by then, I'm no longer Breastfeeding, and she'd be at home with my husband and a nanny who is a family friend who I'd hire to look after her when necessary (DH is freelance and can be around a lot). My DH is happy for me to go.

I can't decide what to do. Would I be unreasonable to go? Obviously I'd really miss her and that would be tough, but would it be unfair on her or damage her in any way?

defineme Fri 25-Oct-13 21:26:07

baby will be fine, you will find it hard.

NotYoMomma Fri 25-Oct-13 21:26:52

I would do it!

a week is nothing and she will be surrounded by loved ones smile

TicTacZebra Fri 25-Oct-13 21:27:26

Do it. She will be fine. Think of all the sleep you'll get!

SoggyBottoms Fri 25-Oct-13 21:27:34

Thanks very much for all the replies. No I really couldn't take her along - I'd be working all the time and she would be better off at home. Plus it's a malarial area. I would only be taking her to make myself feel better... Which (though tempting) I definitely wouldn't do.

SoggyBottoms Fri 25-Oct-13 21:27:58

smile TicTac

iamadoozermum Fri 25-Oct-13 21:35:36

I went away for a week abroad for work when DD was 5 months old. Missed her heaps but she was fine. If it would be good for your career and you want to go, then go.

jammiedonut Fri 25-Oct-13 22:41:59

You will both be fine, go. I've had to spend 5 nights away due to family member being ill, ds was too young to have a clue. I on the other hand spent a lot of time on FaceTime!

Garcia10 Fri 25-Oct-13 23:00:58

Absolutely you should do it. Your daughter will not remember at all. I know it will be hard for you but if you are career focused it sounds like it will do much for you when you return to work.

I am a WOH mother who has spent a lot of time away from her child. She is now 11 and to be honest it is harder now then when she was a baby. The great side-effect is that she has the most wonderful relationship with my DH which I doubt she would have if I was there all the time (I tend to take over a little bit when I am there...).

If she will be well cared for I don't see why you wouldn't go.

I really don't think all those posters saying they wouldn't do it personally are being helpful. It is all about your situation and how you and your family would cope. It appears that you have the support available to let you do it and that it will help your career.

xCupidStuntx Fri 25-Oct-13 23:07:31

Definitely do it!!

Szeli Fri 25-Oct-13 23:15:45

I did but my OH was with me as we were sent on the same job, would have been way more comfortable if my OH was at home with DS but we all coped and DS was non the wiser

Amy106 Fri 25-Oct-13 23:15:59

Go. Baby will be just fine with her dad and a nanny.

jellybeans Fri 25-Oct-13 23:28:29

I couldn't do it! Makes me feel ill just thinking about. I went back to work with DD1 well before she was one but 12 hour shifts was bad enough. I couldn' t have been in another country. I would worry the baby wouldn't know where I was etc etc as well. No work would be worth it. Each to their own though.

Garcia10 Fri 25-Oct-13 23:59:55

That's not really helpful is it Jellybeans? You have a turned the situation around to yourself and are saying why you couldn't do it. 'Makes me feel I'll just thinking about.' What a very unsupportive and reactionary thing to say.

The OP has said the baby will be cared for and if she was male this probably wouldn't even be a discussion. The OP obviously cares about her work and her child. I think it is a good example to set our daughters that life is more than about caring for children. I know she will miss her child but many of us have to make hard decisions in order to progress our careers and earn a good living to support our families in the long term.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Sat 26-Oct-13 00:03:42

Id do it. It would be hard for me but I would have no doubt dd would be perfectly fine.

Dh was away for three weeks when dd was one and while she asked after him it didnt upset her.

MairyHoles Sat 26-Oct-13 00:19:34

I went back to work when my daughter was 4 months old and had to go on a compulsory 2 week course when she was 5 months. Although it was only a 5 hour drive away and not international travel, it was not ideal. But it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be and now, 5 years later I don't even remember it. She never did show any signs of unhappiness at being left and, to be honest, it did me no harm either to have a break and spend time with adults. Go for it.

jellybeans Sat 26-Oct-13 00:21:39

Oh please Garcia, I did say each to their own! Everybody entitled to opinion even if they maybe saying something different...

wouldbemedic Sat 26-Oct-13 01:09:17

I think there's something wrong with a thread where you can go one step further than 'I'd do it' and say 'Do it!' but if you wish to express the opposite, even 'I wouldn't do it,' is regarded as 'unhelpful' - not because it's a personal reaction (what is mumsnet about, and plenty of those from the 'do it' people) but because it's the unpopular view on this thread.

So, those of us who think you might possibly be being unreasonable to leave a 5 month old baby with his dad and nanny are free to do so if we wish!

After all that, however, I don't particularly wish. I had to leave my newborn for one night a week on medical grounds - away 24 hours in total. It was very difficult, as if I was being tugged apart. I could never have chosen to do it and I don't know how good it was for her. She seems mostly normal but we can't draw much from that.

I suspect you'll do what you want and the majority of responses have certainly given you justification to go if you need it. Provided you can weigh his projected distress against the benefits to you both if you can go.

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Sat 26-Oct-13 02:12:50

I^ really don't think all those posters saying they wouldn't do it personally are being helpful. It is all about your situation and how you and your family would cope. It appears that you have the suppor^

The op is canvassing opinions. Who are you to decide what is helpful? Only opinions that agree with yours are correct? Please don't be ridiculous.

I said if she wants to go, she should, her baby will be fine. I also said I wouldn't because I wouldn't want to be away from my baby....and she should consider how shed actually feel about being away, its not all about getting ahead at work. What does she actually really want to do?

mikulkin Sat 26-Oct-13 02:30:25

Of course you should go. I went back to work when DS was 3,5 months - having unpaid time off was not an option for me. My work requires travelling. I missed him horribly when I travelled, was afraid he wouldn't love me, felt like a bad mother etc. now looking back (DS is almost a teen now) I understand I was silly. He doesn't remember any of it and we have fantastic close relationship.

MiniMonty Sat 26-Oct-13 03:25:47

To OP:
read your original post again - you'd made your mind up even before you searched out Mumsnet.

ForwardSheCried Sat 26-Oct-13 04:39:28

YANBU in the slightest.

BobaFetaCheese Sat 26-Oct-13 04:54:12

Have you startes packing.yet?

Go, work hard, enjoy being 'you' again and you can always skype if you miss her that much.
Dh is away on a five week course soon, ds2 will be 15wks when he leaves, and although dh might miss his first sitting unaided or first bit of weaning ds2 will not notice at all, I could start calling him 'king amedeus ninnypants' and I'd still get the same smile/reaction from him (ds2, not dh)!

You never know, you might hate being away so much it changes your mind about your career (you mighr decide to go pt or be a sahm or something).

Sunnysummer Sat 26-Oct-13 05:04:41

YANBU. Given that you're not bfing and that your DH will be able to spend lots of time, your DD will still be with a loving parent, it may be a lovely time for she and your DH to bond, and I bet that when you get back he will be more appreciative of all you do at home!

Of course this will not be the last parenting conflict you face - but to me, that is why in your shoes I would definitely do it. It is an opportunity to show your dedication and to get ahead while still on leave, so that when you come back to office and are having to take days off for the inevitable tummy bugs, or turn down projects as you can't work late, or requesting part time because the balance isn't working,you will already have banked some career points and some good will.

But that's just me - and if you prefer not to to I also think that YWNBU to say no either.

vichill Sat 26-Oct-13 05:06:20

My dd is 15 weeks and I feel anxious doing the food shop on my own for an hour. I couldn't and wouldn't.

Driz Sat 26-Oct-13 05:12:19

You are not even breastfeeding, so why not?

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