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I feel demoralised and overwhelmed.....again

(128 Posts)
Livingtothefull Fri 25-Oct-13 12:25:35

I have posted previously under another name re my situation. My only DC (12y) is severely disabled. We have had a few upsets with DH family which are now contained if not resolved. I have suffered quite badly with depression/low self esteem issues the past year or two but am coming through this & had treatment. I also experienced bullying at work & had to leave in a hurry so found a contract role which lasts till next month. Things have lately been a little more settled.

Now, DS requires further major surgery which is scheduled at the very end of the work contract. So I won't be available for work while he convalesces though, on the plus side, at least I will be free to take care of him. But I NEED to work to keep the roof over our heads, am terrified I won't find something else. DC will deserve a wonderful Xmas and how will we pay for it?

I am studying for a PG qualification which is nearly completed...was scheduled to end January (already deferred through mitigation due to DC issues - no further deferment possible). I have to do some research within the next couple of weeks, how will I do this with all that is going on with DC? I am so worried about my poor boy.

My health has been pretty poor & I have piled on weight, have been addressing this lately by joining a gym, running when I can, doing fitness dvds at home, eating better etc. How will I do this while DC is convalescing? I know I will comfort eat and won't be able to leave the house or afford the gym. I also feel horribly guilty for working on myself like this when DC will never be able to even walk.

I don't know why I am posting here really...these issues can't be taken away but I need to somehow get though this and manage my life. I need to fight this feeling of fatalism....feeling that life/the universe etc has it in for me and will ensure that I don't succeed, that pressure will be piled onto my little family until we all break, and that I will remain on a step lower than everyone else.

Livingtothefull Sun 15-Dec-13 01:43:12

Thanks pandarific so much for the offer to proofread, I may take you upon that

Livingtothefull Sun 15-Dec-13 01:41:26

Thank you pandarific so much for the great advice, I will follow it. I am trying to do this project methodically and make use of the limited time to achieve it. I have been just hopeless though today in doing what I set out to do and I want to do better. Please wish me all the best in having the will to just get this project done. I am frighteningly close to the deadline now.

I am sorry as I just fail over and over again. I wish I was not so convinced i was inferior. I am being honest now, I feel inferior to the majority of people I encounter. I wish I did not have such a conviction of this. I wish I felt that I was on more of an even keel with those around me; even if it turned out to be untrue. Obliviousness of my own inferiority would help me to be more effective, I understand exactly why those who have the gift of confidence generally achieve well. I never had that gift; trying to get it has been like hunting for the holy grail. I was born with a vital piece missing & i just have to accept that.

So I have given it up now. Self esteem, knowing in my bones that I am a worthwhile person, is just another source of happiness which is closed off to me. But all that matters is that I am more effective at doing what I have to do (complete my MA, care for DS, look for a new job etc).

We had a tough time today.....took DS to a restaurant for lunch, which he specifically asked for so we wanted to treat him. But when we got there, he had a meltdown and started swearing at the top of his voice & we had to take him out. We are social pariahs. DS has been in pain for weeks so I feel I have to stick up for him....but can't condone what he has done as I am convinced he knows better.

DS is like any teenager but also has severe physical & mental disabilities, the use of only 1 of 4 limbs and, at the moment, intense pain caused by nerve damage. Yet I am reprimanding him, I think he knows better but it could be that I am expecting too much of him.

pandarific Fri 13-Dec-13 13:17:16

You seem super strong - keep going! Maybe try replacing the wine with 2 tsps of cocoa in skimmed milk, with sweetener - lovely hot chocolate, and low calorie.

Practical help on finishing your MA: this is great for writing - if you've limited time, try getting all your notes out, spending a moment on thinking out what you want to say, deciding to put (researchers name) for all of the in-text references white you type, and opening up for a half an hour or an hour.

Doing this will help you quickly get a draft together, and editing it to be better after you've finished the initial writing is much less scary and much more positive-feeling.

Don't give up! Once you've got a final draft I can proofread it for you if you like? (I've worked in publishing so can help you out on that note.) And before final stage you could ask a colleague in the same area to have a read through and mention any notes to you?

Don't despair, you're nearly there!

dm1mum Fri 13-Dec-13 11:26:47

I'm glad you spoke to someone. I think you're right about making priorities too. You can only do so much - really truly anyone in your position would be struggling. I understand about not involving family/friends but keep talking to someone in RL if you can.

Good luck.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 09:10:43

Ok I called Samaritans & she was great, it was good just to be heard.

I know I am probably just talking to myself & otherwise apologies if this is the wrong forum but....... I know what I have to do, my course of action is clear: 'Care for DS the best you can. Finish your MA however hard it is. Then go all out to get a job early next year'.

There is nothing I can do about any of the rest. I just wish I did not have to sit here in Hell whilst doing all this.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 07:33:59

Thanks dm1mum, for various reasons I can't unload to family/friends about everything (though they do know some of it) but will try to talk to Samaritans or somebody today.

dm1mum Fri 13-Dec-13 02:27:28

OP you sound so low and I know my words won't be adequate but I just wanted you to know that someone is listening. I remember your earlier threads and I'm sorry it is all still so hard.

You really don't deserve this and you're not a failure. Your DS loves you. Have you spoken to Samaritans or anyone else in real life about how you are feeling.

You asked a few posts back for people to root for you and DS - I promise I am rooting for you and praying things will get easier soon.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 01:44:46

I hate this, I know ultimately I am alone

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 01:31:52

I am sleeping on the sofa tonight, I am isolated from everyone and everything.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:52:52

I am going to bed now. I am just done and I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:51:00

I must be a terrible, contemptible person. Why else would all the doors to a better life slam in my face whenever I approach them? I just want a half way decent life and all the doors are slammed shut at present. There must be a reason why it is all so hard, i don't know though why I deserve this.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:44:32

And if it finishes me I can no longer be there for DS.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:41:23

...or it will finish ME

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:40:44

I don't know how to get through this. I heartily wish it would stop. I don't ask for much....just for life to shift from the 'unbearably painful' into the 'reasonably liveable' category. Out of the reasonably liveable I can do something, I can fashion happiness. At the moment I am at a loss as things stand. This can't go on much longer or it will finish e.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:29:03

I am nearly done now. What is there to keep me going? My DH is irritated with me....he went to bed early to get away from me. My DS.....well I have his abuse and name calling ringing in my ears. Prospective employers definitely do not value me. I have been bullied at work. I am tired of the insults, disrespect and contempt. Evidently, certain people know they can get away with treating me this way.

I think I would be much better off dead. However I will stay alive so I am there for my DS; also, to see how things unfold. Just on the off chance that life gets better eventually.

Livingtothefull Fri 13-Dec-13 00:12:48

I wish I could stay up all night. I want some critical distance from the emotional agony. I want fear to be killed stone dead, so that I can get on and support my DS and family. I wish I wasn't so scared of people and did not feel so inadequate.

If I don't do the MA I will regret it forever, I know that. It may help me get a better job which in turn will benefit DS.

I am trying & failing to get a job....have had numerous interviews, numerous rejections. How do you numb yourself to all of that? I am failing myself & my family by failing to get a job. I think that there is some vital piece of me that is missing, so whenever I have an interview it becomes obvious I fall short. But I don't know what it is I am lacking, what I have to do to put things right. I am just failing at everything I do right now.

Livingtothefull Thu 12-Dec-13 23:51:05

Thanks tinypumpkin. I just desperately desperately want the new year to be better. 2013 has been largely unlucky for some.

My thanks to you & all those who have posted here.

Livingtothefull Thu 12-Dec-13 23:47:32

Thanks pinkbraces, I really appreciate your support. I am just trying to articulate the love that I feel for DS.

I do want to feel l am a force to be reckoned with as my DS deserves no less. At the moment I feel like 'a force to be trodden on and kicked'. I feel so unequal to what I have on my plate. Why should I feel good about myself? I thought that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', it isn't working out that way. What isn't killing me is just making me suffer and I don't feel at all strong.

tinypumpkin Thu 12-Dec-13 23:41:59

Another one sending you strength right now. You deserve happiness for you and your family. Hoping for a brighter 2014 for you.

I second calling the Samaritans. Someone to listen without judging.

pinkbraces Thu 12-Dec-13 23:38:35

Hi living,
Ive just read your whole thread - the love you have for your DS just jumps out at me. I wish I had some wise words to say but please please try and see how much good you do.

Im here listening and sending all my support. Please try the Samaritans as Im sure they can help you.

TomPot Thu 12-Dec-13 23:35:09

Yes, it sounds as if you need to concentrate on getting yourself some emotional support. Please do try them again. There will be people out there who can help you. Even if you just call for a talk initially, and see where that leads.

Livingtothefull Thu 12-Dec-13 23:28:26

Thanks Tompot, I didn't manage to get through to anyone at Carers UK but will try again tomorrow, could also try Samaritans. I am not sure what kind of help would benefit me & DS, both practical & emotional support I guess.

Livingtothefull Thu 12-Dec-13 23:23:09

I am so close to being done. I think I really would be better off dead.....but that is not an option as I will always be there for DS. There is a comfort in just getting on and doing what has to be done. But I am struggling because life just refuses to get easier, there is very little joy and I don't feel that there is much support at hand.

TomPot Thu 12-Dec-13 23:23:01

Didn't want to read and run. Living, you sound like an incredibly strong woman who has been dealt a very tough hand. I'm not qualified to give any advice - have you managed to speak to anyone at Carers UK? Am sure they will able to offer some real, practical help. I hope that 2014 is an easier year for you.

Livingtothefull Thu 12-Dec-13 23:13:58

I meant...success comes easily to my DB not my DS. I wish my DS had it easier but he never will. I fear for DS future....what happens when we are no longer there for him? He doesn't have any siblings, I can only hope that he will live his life cared for by good people as he will be dependent on others for ever.

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