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AIBU to refuse access to daughter ( long story sorry )

(104 Posts)
lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:09:00

hi , I me and my ex had our daughter when we were v young but made it work. last year I gave birth to a lil boy and whilst being pregnant with him my partner was having an affair with my best friend who happens to be my daughter god mother.

we obviously split up and he has wanted access to my daughter but not my son, I have refused him access as I think this is unfair.

then a few months ago my daughter fell extremely poorly and had to have serious surgery, I rang him and let him and also did let her see him at this time as I thought we were going to lose her . she has still not fully recovered and probably won't but he is still not treating my son the same so have stopped contact until further notice

but I don't know if im being unreasonable to my daughter ?

skylerwhite Wed 23-Oct-13 19:54:20

Have you said he can't see the children if the girlfriend is there?

kangarooshoes Wed 23-Oct-13 19:54:41

My dad saw my sister regularly, and not me, or our other sister. He made all sorts of excuses why, but basically it's because he is immature, and a bit inadequate. I know that now. I didn't know that as a child.

I think you're in the right, both or none. However, I don't think you're in the right if you're saying new woman can't be around when he has them, unless there's protection issues.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 23-Oct-13 19:54:52

I agree with your stance OP, it's both or neither. He can't play favourites with his kids. If you allow him to keep seeing his daughter but not his son, that little boy has a massive headfuck coming his way in about five years.

I would suggest counselling if you think he would attend. And to be honest, I think you need to set aside the girlfriend thing. At least your daughter knows her. If he is going to have both kids surely it would help to have another adult around? I know it feels awful that the OW gets to be around your kids, but ultimately the main thing is that she's good to them.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:55:58

sparkly thank you smile

it is hard because I also don't want daughter to resent my son as in blaming him either.
I let him when daughter was really poorly and i knew she needed her dad , apart of me hoped it would make him bond with fras.

he was a stahd and i will not lie and say he was awful and this and that because actually we went through a lot to fight for our family and daughter and he was v hands on with her ok sometimes a bit lazy but that was no reason to hate on him at all.

needaholidaynow Wed 23-Oct-13 19:57:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 19:58:57

no basically the agreement for the girlfriend was at followed ( i will explain a lil )

me and her grew up together, she needed a place to stay for a few months and i allowed her to stay in my home as she already was a massive part of ours and daughters life's. when we originally split up they got a place together and had not seen either children in 3 months.
then it was kind off hit and miss because of the son issues. I told him at first , i would like him to only have the children for the following reasons... he needed to re bond ... they are not exactly in a solid stable relationship. when they show me they are serious and that he is bonding with his kids then there is nothing i can do about it.

Strumpetron Wed 23-Oct-13 19:59:45

You should let him see his daughter.

He's being an utter bastard and I completely understand your reasoning, but I think if he wants to see her he should.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 23-Oct-13 20:00:25

And what about his son?

skylerwhite Wed 23-Oct-13 20:00:33

I think you need to let the girlfriend thing go, you can't dictate who is there when he has the children.

YANBU about seeing both children, though.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 23-Oct-13 20:04:22

You poor thing.

He can't pick and mix his dc. What a twat.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 20:07:57

just to state i am not saying " no girlfriend " i just want the best option for my children at the moment.

kangarooshoes Wed 23-Oct-13 20:08:35

Your reason for objecting to girlfriend isn't valid, sorry. A good father would want time alone to get to know his kids, but he isn't one, and you can't dictate what happens in his time with the kids.

You are right about him needing to have both. Perhaps he's worried about having two kids at once (I know, he's being pathetic...), could he have one one day, and the other the next, to get to know them both again as individuals?

zippey Wed 23-Oct-13 20:11:24

Its a tough one, but if I were in your shoes I would say the same - its all or nothing.

The problem with that may be how he treats DS when you are not there.

skylerwhite Wed 23-Oct-13 20:12:06

Well, from what you have posted, you are saying 'no girlfriend'. I think you need to pick your battles.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 20:18:28

im missing the point of the girlfriend , i am not saying she can never see the kids or be apart of there lifes etc i just want to make sure they r stable , they literally moved in with eachother the day we broke up, and have been on and off ever since. i wouldn't do it so why should he.
if he saw my son and daughter on set days which was agreed and they bonded and then she can slowly bond.

anyway whether or not she is apart of my daughters life or not, I am just trying to work out how to explain this to children,

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 23-Oct-13 20:19:04

I had the same thought as zippey... However badly your friend betrayed you, your ex seems to have a problem with his son, and it may be a very good thing to have another adult there while he builds a bond with him. I would be more afraid for him to have the baby alone. At least your ex friend sounds like she's fond of kids?

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 23-Oct-13 20:20:03

Your daughter can continue to see her as your friend, and daddy's friend. A young child won't be too curious.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 20:20:10

kangaroo, i offered him to have si from Friday night until Saturday night without fras as his still little, but if he would see fras take them out to dinner or something before him and si leave on the Friday.

kangarooshoes Wed 23-Oct-13 20:21:06

No. You cannot dictate what he does, who he sees, with his time with the kids, unless there are safeguarding issues.

You may not do it if you had a new partner, because you're a good parent, but that's not something you can control from his end.

You are right on the he must see both or neither point, but you cannot say no girlfriend. Sorry.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 23-Oct-13 20:21:24

It's a really tough one but I think by stopping him seeing his DD you are allowing him to be the 'victim' in this... The guy whose psycho ex is stopping him seeing his much loved child.

You're also setting yourself up for this to backfire on you in the future when your DD finds out her dad wanted to see her, and you stopped him.

How old is your DS?

I'd go with allowing him to have contact for now. If anyone asks you why he sees DD and not DS then tell them the truth. And let him know people are asking and you're telling them. Also explain to him that when your DD asks why daddy doesn't see her brother you'll be sending her to him to answer that question.

Depending on how old your DS is I'd play it like that for now, and see if he starts to show any interest in seeing DS too.

lolarose2591 Wed 23-Oct-13 20:24:16

tbh i lost the battle of the girlfriend anyway lol if they turned up 2moro and wanted both of them i would say yes if i was happy or not ( i just wouldnt be happy about it lol ) even when my daughter was in hospital she came doesn't mean i have to be happy about it.
my ds is 1 next week.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 23-Oct-13 20:29:16

Actually you can say no girlfriend, it would be up to him to go to court and the court will not always agree with the he can see whoever he wants with the kids stance.

Most of the time they will agree with him but not always and face it he's not going to present himself very well with his I can't be arsed to see one of the kids.

I know they don't always take that stance because I have a court order prohibiting one of my teenagers dads from having his gf around him.

viperslast Wed 23-Oct-13 20:31:39

I suspect, if this was in family court, you would be told lay off the gf (actually I know that). However I do suspect that you could argue he is damaging his daughter by excluding his son. I think a court would agree with that. I also think cafcass would agree. You don't get to pick and choose and cause pain and suffering by doing that.

As for how you tell the dc I would not mention the situation in detail just that he isn't able to be a proper father right now but that you hope that changes in the future.

DontPanicMrMannering Wed 23-Oct-13 20:34:53

What terrible attitude whonickedmyname!

She is the mother there to protect her children as much as she can, she shouldn't let him fuck up her DSs head just so he gets the blame in the future shock

Op you are absolutely not BU. Your DS would be far more damaged by being excluded than your DD will be by losing touch with a man who is so horrible.

Not to be harsh but at 5 she'll forget all but the barest of memories of him in time. Better that than a life screwed by sibling guilt.

FreeWoooooooo Wed 23-Oct-13 20:38:01

Who's fault is it he hasn't bonded with his son? His for having an affair while you were pregnant. He needs to bond with his son so you are right to push this fact. I'd be in the both or nothing camp as whilst it's hard on your daughter, explaining to your son in future years why his dad didn't want to see him but only his sister will be harder. I'd get professional advice though.

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