To think OH drinks too much?(73 Posts)
This has been an issue between us for so long I've really had enough and have been considering leaving a lot lately.
Please tell me if you think I'm being too hard/unreasonable
He used to have a drink every evening after work and so has cut down due to my nagging as he no longer drinks during the week but fri, sat & sun. Fri night is usually 2 bottles of wine, sat and sun he starts drinking around 1-2pm, a few cans in the house or a couple pints down the pub and then drinks 1-2 bottles of wine in the evening. He doesn't get drunk and is still actually cooking Sunday dinner now like he does most Sundays so it's not that he just gets wasted& does nothing but I just can't stand it, I worry about what it's doing to his health and I feel embarrassed at all the empty bottles etc, to me this is excessive and not right, wot du think??? (Btw, once he's out of drink he goes to bed, even if its 9pm, it's like once he's started he can't stop & I think this shows dependency even if he can go a few days during the week with nothing?)
Speaking as someone whose DP is a functioning alcoholic, realistically there's not a lot that you can do, OP. As everyone else has said, he has to be the one to do it.
I'm luckier than you, in that DP now only drinks after DS has gone to bed and is quite rigid with himself about that rule. But the only way I've found to cut his drinking down is to literally give him a budget - x amount per month for both fags and beer - which we agreed upon together (he knows he's an alcoholic and has been working to stop it impacting on us as a family, which is mostly working).
If he hadn't agreed to it, he'd still be doing what he was before, which was just taking my debit card without telling me. Sometimes he'd be spending upwards of £100 in a week without it actually registering in his mind that he was spending so much.
I agree with other posters who say you should write down your feelings and show it to your DP. If you can help him realise that he really does have a problem, it could be his first step towards improvement.
Big hugs to you, I know how awful this can be
That's true. He has to do it himself. No amount of nagging will work and no amount of gently explaining will either. My ex would just make out that I was some unreasonable nag who wanted to dictate what he did with his free time. He did not get that I just wanted him to be a husband and father some of the time.
It's been 3 and a half years since I left and he admitted last weekend that he was totally wrong and made a lot of bad choices and was, in his words, a bit of a twat to me and the kids. Pity he hadn't realised 10 years ago when I might have been inclined to work at our marriage.
I do think writing it down is a good idea.
But I don't think the OP can 'police' this. It won't work (why should he obey her?) and will corrode their relationship. He has to sort it out. OP has to decide what she is going to do, for herself and her DD< if he fails to sort it out, and what his time frame for sorting it out is.
OP I have a serious alcohol problem which crept up on me over a long time. What made me try to address it was that it was beginning to impact on my family - for years I had a rule that I never drank until kids were in bed but, over time, this somehow slipped until I would start as soon as I got in from work.
The major warning sign that he is developing a problem is that he is prioritising drinking over spending time with his family.
I think it's a really good point that it may sound more acceptable because he's drinking wine. Two bottles of wine is equivalent to 2/3 bottle of spirits or 3 x 2 litre bottles of super strength cider which I think most people would agree is a hell of a lot to polish off 3 times a week.
In your shoes, I think I'd write him a letter explaining how you feel _ that you worry about his health and feel sad that he doesn't want to spend his weekends with you and leave it at that for a while.
I am surprised at the number of people minimising this
The guy is drinking a lot of units, way too many. He has checked out of family life and dedicated weekend afternoons and evening to drinking, going to bed as soon as the drink is finished.
So he can't drive, they can't do anything as a family, OP has to look after their child on her own.
That is problem drinking. Clear and simple.
No idea what to suggest OP as I had no experience of functioning alcoholics. Could you try booking in some full day out of the house weekend activities? Or trying to introduce a 'no wine before 6' rule or something?
Have you come across the term 'weekend alcoholic' OP?
How gutted was Kryton when he found out there's no silicone heaven But he knew that was a lie.
Annakin, what I actually said if you quoted it all was that 'I grew up with drinkers and we're drinkers ourselves, so what you're describing isn't a huge thing on a 1-10 scale, but the fact that it means so much to you is the crux of it'.
That it doesn't matter what the norm is for other people, it's the OP that counts, not sure why you find that 'depressing'.
I think adults can/should choose for themselves. Are you one of those people who like everyone to be micromanaged with the rules you've dictated?
And if you'd read the thread you'd have seen my attitude in my post on 21-Oct-13 02:12:29 which is nothing like you've made it out to be.
That's a lot of alcohol.
I'd feel contemptutous of someone who drank so much so routinely, so joylessly.
There is no joy in a family when one is abusing alcohol
One of the saddest and truest things I' ve ever read.
Anyone minimising this behaviour is either:
1. The luckiest poster in the world who has no idea what alcohol abuse (and make no mistake, this is drinking too much) does to a family
2. In total denial because their own consumption is similar.
Good for you for speaking out OP and my very best wishes to you for a resolution and peaceful future.
I think 'LTB' has to be on the table here. If the 'B' thinks the OP would never 'L' then they really have no motivation to change behaviour... they're all right Jack. There is no joy in a family when one is abusing alcohol.
My ex was like OP's husband, although he was drinking every day. It meant never having more than a 2 hour window to do anything as a family as he'd get so grumpy if we ate into his drinking time.
It also meant I could never make plans to go out with friends as I didn't feel I could leave the kids with him. He ruined our twins' 10 th birthday as he 'just popped out for 30 minutes' and came back 2 hours later, pissed.
I'm not saying OP should LTB but he needs to address the drinking or it will not end well.
I agree it's far too much, both in volume of alcohol and time dedicated to it, to the detriment of your family life. He does sound like a functioning alcoholic. I don't know what else to advise apart from Al-anon as others have done, but wanted to let you know that I agree with your worries, and this is undoubtedly going to impact on his health.
He is drinking far too much! Yanbu at all. Starting at 1 - 2 as a habit on weekends sounds very worrying as does the overall amount he is drinking on these days.
And I agree with others this is really bad for dd.
Your DH sounds like a functioning alcoholic, can hold things together outwardly but has a dependency on alcohol.
I think the amount and the pattern are too much for your family. It's too regular.
What would happen if you want to go out on a weekend evening with your DD? Would he come? What if you asked him to drive there?
I'm surprised at so many posters saying it's not too much because it seems like OP is pretty much left to her own devices with their DD while her DH sits and drinks all afternoon, every weekend.
I do think this is too much, for pperspective I have been known to have 2 bottles of wine myself but not every weekend.
YANBU. He is drinking too much and also the fact that weeked afternoons are dedicated to drinking is ridiculous and so selfish.
What the hell would he do if you or your daughter had an accident on a Sunday afternoon and he needed to drive you to the hospital? I ask this as I had an accident yesterday and my husband needed to take me to hospital and then mind our two and a half year old all day.
My Dad is like this. Drinks 'til it's all drunk and then heads to bed, like he doesn't see the point in staying up if there's no alcohol. It boils my blood.
Does he say that he'd prefer to stay home and drink instead of going out and spend time as a family? I'm just trying to imagine how that conversation goes. I'd kill DH for that.
He doesn't get drunk because his tolerance is high due to his high intake.
But I would find this annoying too. All that money and needing to be wined up.
YANBU in that he is drinking too much and his behaviour sounds like that of an alcoholic. Sorry.
But I don't know what you're meant to do.
How the hell did you manage to "nag" him into not drinking in the week?
It's not just the amount either, it's like all weekend afternoons are dedicated to drinking now, he does take dd out to park or something in the morning though its not like he doesn't spend time with her but if we go anywhere in afternoon he stays at home
The amount is too much, yes, but more worrying I think are the signs of dependency: having to have it, being very defensive about it, prioritising drinking over other activities and family life generally.
If you couldn't or wouldn't do the lion's share with DD at the weekend what would happen? Would your DH step in, or would she end up plonked in front of the TV so he could drink?
It sounds as if he has partly accepted the safe drinking message, as he has given up drinking a similar amount during the week. I get the impression that ideally you'd like him to stop drinking entirely. I also get the impression he is unwilling to do that. So you have an impasse where he feels if he gives in about weekends that will be the end of it, and you are rightly concerned that the weekend drinking is unhealthy and anitsocial.
Do you think he might go for a different pattern entirely? 2-3 drinks a night with 1-2 nights doing something else so he can't drink ( a sport? music? a film night with you?) would be infinitely better for his health.
YANBU. Your OH sounds like he is checking out of family life for most of the weekend because alcohol is more important to him. It must be costing you a fortune, and as you say his health is bound to suffer. I don't think there is a lot you can do about it though, apart from decide if you can live with it or not.
He's an alcoholic
That's drinking to subdue his feelings and to avoid real interaction with his family
He needs to rethink this and might need support from his gp. The upsetting thing is that op finds herself having to deal with it which is hard and could be difficult in their marriage but he needs to see what his choices/actions are doing - so sorry op
Yes, I think it is too much.
I think some posters on this forum tend to minimise the amounts and effects of alcohol when it comes in the form of wine, which is seen as a sociable ,relaxing kind of drink. It is the units which is the issue . Take a look at the strength of the wine - is it high? When I was a drinker I wouldn't buy anything less than 14°, irrespective of what type of wine it was or what it 'went with' -I was only interested in the alcohol in it.
I could easily drink a bottle of this wine in an hour, and still cook dinner and look after my kids. It's called being a 'functional alcoholic'.
I'm not saying that term neccesarily applies to your husband, but it sounds quite possible to me, and that's going on personal experience, and that of other people that I know.
It is true that he needs to want to stop himself. He may not want to, of course, he sounds as if he is functioning quite well and 'rock bottom' is a long way away.
Al-anon does help some people, and you may want to try that.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.