To think OH drinks too much?(73 Posts)
This has been an issue between us for so long I've really had enough and have been considering leaving a lot lately.
Please tell me if you think I'm being too hard/unreasonable
He used to have a drink every evening after work and so has cut down due to my nagging as he no longer drinks during the week but fri, sat & sun. Fri night is usually 2 bottles of wine, sat and sun he starts drinking around 1-2pm, a few cans in the house or a couple pints down the pub and then drinks 1-2 bottles of wine in the evening. He doesn't get drunk and is still actually cooking Sunday dinner now like he does most Sundays so it's not that he just gets wasted& does nothing but I just can't stand it, I worry about what it's doing to his health and I feel embarrassed at all the empty bottles etc, to me this is excessive and not right, wot du think??? (Btw, once he's out of drink he goes to bed, even if its 9pm, it's like once he's started he can't stop & I think this shows dependency even if he can go a few days during the week with nothing?)
Has something happened in your past to make you feel so sensitive about it Melted?
I grew up with drinkers and we're drinkers ourselves, so what you're describing isn't a huge thing on a 1-10 scale, but the fact that it means so much to you is the crux of it.
He has made the effort to try and cut it down because he knows how much it bothers you, and to me that's pretty telling of his feelings for you.
Would you really push your relationship to it's death over him not going the whole tee total thing?
Because that says to me that there are more problems with your relationship than just his drinking.
It started when he was out of work, the drinking every night, but I'm talking years ago now, this has been going on for far too long, he is in a stable job now but although he's cut down since having dd, it still seems to be a problem, in my eyes anyway, not his as he's cut it down from what he used to drink before iyswim.
"Would you really push your relationship to it's death over him not going the whole tee total thing?"
He has a small child and he spends ALL his free time at the weekend drinking.
Oh no, wait. He doesn't start until lunchtime. BOTH DAYS!
That is a hell of a long way from being tee total.
YANBU. He is drinking far, far too much. It will destroy his health.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was also drinking in secret because of your open disapproval.
YANBU. He drinks too much.
I have been around alcoholics all my life.
Yes, agent THIS has, do you really think its ok to drink all afternoon on the weekend? When you have a young child. I've grown up with parents who love their wine but they never drank it on this scale. I love a glass of wine myself but this, to me is excessive, don't know why I feel like that I just do
Agentzigzag, it's where do all the calculators go if there's no silicon heaven? they don't go anywhere, they just die
Thanks to the YANBU posts, was starting to think its just me overreacting to this
How gutted was Kryton when he found out there's no silicone heaven
Some people just like having a drink, health issues aside he's not abusive, he does his share of household things (I assume from your post) and he goes to work like he should.
My DP would be exactly the same as you though OP, he worries about me drinking at the night never mind during the day. I probably would drink more because I like it if I knew it wouldn't worry him.
YANBU. Two bottles of wine in a day is too much, especially three days in a row every weekend. I wouldn't like that at all, how can you go out and do anything if he's semi pissed all the time?! As a one off at a party/wedding drinking that amount is fine, but to do it every weekend on his own? Nope I wouldn't like it.
OP, I feel for you. Without going into loads of detail, my DP had a problem with Alcohol. Until we had a child, it wasn't really a problem as I liked a drink although not on the same scale. After our DS was born, I would say it was too much, he would promise to cut down then with a few weeks it would be creeping up again.
Anyway, what worked for me was detaching from him when he was drinking, doing my own thing with DS, basically taking the view that there was nothing I could do as it wasn't my problem. After a 'binge' where he forgot he should have been at work, he sought help and stopped drinking. He was teetotal for 9 months & for the last 6 months, he has a couple of pints a week.
In my experience all the talking/nagging/pleading in the world won't make someone stop, they have to want to do it for themselves. Have a look at the Al-anon website. You could maybe post in relationships, some knowledgable posters there about this issue.
YANBU, that's a ridiculous amount! If my DP drank as much as that it would be a major problem. Surprised at the amount of people saying you're over reacting or being sensitive. And to say it doesn't adversely affect you isn't true, the drink will catch up with him sooner or later health wise.
Sorry Melted, I probably didn't word that very well. I didn't mean that he's tee total now, I meant that if he refused/wasn't able to give it up as you'd like, would you call it a day on your relationship?
That the other things he gives you in the relationship aren't enough to accept this as a part of him and his choice.
And I also meant that it doesn't matter whether I think it's an acceptable amount or that him not being abusive means it's OK, but it's important because it upsets you.
Drinking does creep up on you. When it's a stressful time it can give the illusion of having an excuse for drinking more, but then when the stress subsides it can leave the person feeling they're not having that much compared to what they were drinking stressed out.
It's very distorted.
In some ways I'm defensive on his behalf that because he's not an unpleasant/abusive piss head, that it's just a life choice for him. But then it's bothering you and because it's not an essential and he has control over it (if you think he does have control) then he should make the effort.
If you're not looking to stop him drinking alltogether, could you come to a compromise with him about which bit of it worries you the most and work on that bit before moving on to the other bits?
(nice one, thanks Calculator I was laughing about Kryton last night...'Step up to Red Alert!' 'Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb'. Still gets me every time )
That is a tremendous amount of alcohol. The guidelines for men are around 3-4 units a day with a day or two off per week (and a single pint of strong lager is 3 units, while a bottle of wine is 10).
It would hard to be drinking the amounts you are describing without some level of dependency, though diagnosing anything more specific is not something we can really do over the Internet. A GP can provide him with contacts if (and only if) he chooses to get help, but the ball unfortunately has to be in his court. If you are struggling it may be worth speaking with a local Al-Anon group - they will teach you that whether he has an actual problem or is just choosing to drink this way, "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it".
I'm always a bit surprised by the number of posters who come on all alcohol-related threads to say that massive consumption is normal as that partners shouldn't nag. Would we all be saying this if someone was taking about consumption of less legal and socially acceptable drugs? While I don't think it's appropriate to control your spouse's life, drinking is a health issue and one likely to totally affect a relationship's (as well as the individual's) health and longevity.
Btw - Al Anon is for partners and family affected by alcohol and substances, rather than the individuals with issues.
YANBU, he's drinking way too much. I don't understand some of the responses on this thread. So he's able to cook dinner...oh that's ok then! You don't have to be drunk to be dependent on alcohol.
He could actually be drinking more than you think.
YANBU. That level of alcohol consumption, and especially over a short space of time, is dangerous and excessive. He can't drive a car all weekend presumably which must be a nuisance. Also, the cost must be racking up. However, as anyone who has any experience of alcohol abuse knows, pointing out the excessive drinking and persuading the abuser to cut down are poles apart.
He's drinking about twice the recommended units a week.
Also do you ever get to do family things at the weekend or is your free time dictated by his drinking?
I'm with you, melted, and I think some of the posters here are missing the point. Its impacting on your life, so it is your business.
What would happen if you suggested an alcohol-free weekend or a dry January? His reaction might tell you if he is becoming dependent.
That is a lot of booze. A lot. I like a drink, finding this whole sober pregnancy thing irritating, but easily doable - would he be able to give up completely for a month?
And if he is absenting himself from the family at the weekend, I wonder if there are other reasons beyond dependency at play - is he happy in himself? Alcohol is a bitch because it's a depressant, and drinking when already depressed is both a wonderful numbing process and a great way to continue feeling depressed - I speak from personal experience here.
Can you ask him to do things with you and your DD in the weekend afternoons, that will be fun and relaxing for him, and give him an alternative to the booze? I agree that nagging him is not going to help - it's got you this far, but no further.
Very surprised so many people on here think his drinking level is OK. I think it's a huge amount. His tolerance has probably increased over time
Agree that you can't nag him to change. It has to come from him
I'd suggest you take DD out and do stuff with her during the day which doesn't include drinking eg take her swimming, not out for lunch. Early evening take her to the cinema.
If he asks you to stay home instead, just say "No thanks, I think I'd rather go out and do stuff, would you like to join us?" Don't nag him to join you. If he chooses not to join you, it's his loss
If he's sitting at home drinking on his own, maybe (hopefully) he'll realise what he's missing out on. But if he chooses to sit at home and drink by himself, that'll tell you where his priorities lie
You should also think about role models. Not good for your DD to grow up thinking it's normal to drink all afternoon
Yes, I think it is too much.
I think some posters on this forum tend to minimise the amounts and effects of alcohol when it comes in the form of wine, which is seen as a sociable ,relaxing kind of drink. It is the units which is the issue . Take a look at the strength of the wine - is it high? When I was a drinker I wouldn't buy anything less than 14°, irrespective of what type of wine it was or what it 'went with' -I was only interested in the alcohol in it.
I could easily drink a bottle of this wine in an hour, and still cook dinner and look after my kids. It's called being a 'functional alcoholic'.
I'm not saying that term neccesarily applies to your husband, but it sounds quite possible to me, and that's going on personal experience, and that of other people that I know.
It is true that he needs to want to stop himself. He may not want to, of course, he sounds as if he is functioning quite well and 'rock bottom' is a long way away.
Al-anon does help some people, and you may want to try that.
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