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to let her go to the funeral or wake?

(55 Posts)
MissMuesli Sun 20-Oct-13 15:41:30

I'm really not sure if I am being unreasonable on this one.

My DD is 2 1/2 years old, and I am separated from her dad. Sadly, there has been a death on his side of the family and the funeral is coming up- he wants to take DD.

I personally don't want him to at all, the person who has passed away is a distant cousin who my DD has never actually met, but he feels she should go as after all they are still family.

I also worry about how the day will emotionally impact my daughter. She is very good with speech and her cognitive ability is pretty good aswell. She defiantly is at an age in which she would notice and understand that people are sad and crying. That's not necessarily a bad thing I know, however I'm not sure she is at an age that she could understand even a simple explanation. I feel she would be thrust into an unknown environment with lots of adults upset which is something she hasn't witnessed before but without the ability to understand why or how to deal with it.

It's "my" day to have DD on that day, and I feel inclined to say it isn't appropriate, although I don't want to cause any more upset to my ex. Also, I do understand that children can help "lift" the atmosphere at funerals I'm not sure my DD should have the responsibility of that.

Am I being unreasonable? Please by kind..!

Arudonto Tue 22-Oct-13 00:08:39

is your xp Irish or from Irish backround by any chance OP? it would be fairly normal for fairly young kids to be at wakes removals and funerals esp family ones over here....I cant even remember the first funeral I went to.I used to go with my dad to loads! I swear he used to go to a funeral a month!there was usually a gang of kids around at the wakes to keep each other company while the adults chatted.I dont really have any bad memories of funerals death was never a unspoken thing...close family funerals were still incredible emotionally charged times but going to less close family funerals and wakes is usually a good way to meet up with people you havent seen in a while...

BackforGood Tue 22-Oct-13 00:19:38

It's definitely a cultural thing. I've been to loads and loads of funerals over the years, and can honestly not remember any child younger than a teen being at any of them - Oh, no, wait - one I can where the youngest brother was 9 and it was his Mum's funeral. But, him aside, IME children just don't go to funerals.
However, as I've read on MN before, apparently in some families they do. I really agree with OP, but I'm probably very much influenced by what my own experience has been.
Sounds like a good compromise though.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 22-Oct-13 00:20:35

Wow, did I actually write 'performing seals'? Sorry for that - obviously need to read what I've written before I post!

I'm massively projecting here. Ex is Irish descent (can you tell?) and all social events involve huge amounts of alcohol in crappy little pubs and social clubs, usually followed by some lovely violence. I backed out of these gatherings some years back and have tried to keep dc out of it as much as possible. And have had some real spite back from it too - apparently I'm a snob!

Sorry, didn't mean to derail the thread or cause upset - didn't have me thinking head on!

MissMuesli Wed 23-Oct-13 15:55:40

Hello, just thought I would update. Ex isn't Irish by the way. So the funeral was today and we stuck to DD just going to the wake. Turns out quite alot of families did the same, adults at funeral, children join after. I'm pretty glad we agreed that as, as I dropped DD off her dad was visibly upset (understandably obviously) so think it was the right choice, and one that other members of his family chose aswell. DD skipped off to play with with cousins, so the day worked out really well after all!

CelticPromise Wed 23-Oct-13 20:30:43

Glad to hear it MissM, sounds like it was the right choice for you.

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