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Is this friendship dying? Next chapter!

(67 Posts)
soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 08:36:54

Hi all,

Thought I'd post again as got great advice last time plus I awoke to a new development & needed some help to decide what to do!

Quick background if you didn't read last post: BF & I friends for over 5 years. Bridesmaids for each other, she's my DD's Godmother. This last year I've been making the effort to contact her, she never makes first move & this year I've had a pretty rough year - 2 major surgeries and I lost a baby. She really hasn't been there.

Anyway last week I asked whether I should just let things be. General consensus was just be there if she wants to see you. Shouldn't be all or nothing. In the week it was her birthday. Dropped round a present and card but I couldn't stay long as she was having a stressful time at work and wanted to rest. I asked her if she was planning on doing anything nice for her b'day, she said her DH was taking her for dinner. I logged into FB this morning and there were photos of a dinner party with some of my other friends. Now I'm really confused (& hurt). No-one mentioned a party & now it seems like it isn't just my BF that's distancing herself, other friends are too (unless they went to party expecting to see me & if they did what did she tell them?).

I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to warrant this treatment. What do I do? Confront? Ignore? Can't stop thinking about it.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 20-Oct-13 08:41:22

Hmmm i'd probably comment or like a picture and see what she says. Its saves actually confrontig though could argue that thats passive aggressive.

idiot55 Sun 20-Oct-13 08:43:59

Thats not. Nice situation, really feel for you.

Id defintly comment on the photos, something like , looks likema fab time was had bynall your friends

whereisthewitch Sun 20-Oct-13 08:44:21

If she's your bf I'd be honest with her, ask if you can come round and lay it on the table.
I couldn't just let it go, especially after so kych history.
I had a similar situation with my bf a few years ago, she married into a family of arseholes and became one herself. We talked it through and came out as friends but we're not bf's anymore but to be honest we're both ok with that, it didn't just fizzle out and im glad.

Some days I feel sad that what we used to have is gone but I've moved on and now have 2 very close friends who I know would do anything for me, and I still see my former bf regularly.

That's the only advice I have, things are probably so far progressed that you may only remain as friends, I know iit's easier to say 'drop her' than it is to actually do it!

Good luck!

WipsGlitter Sun 20-Oct-13 08:45:31

That's very hurtful. Something sort of similar happened to me and after a lot of stewing I just let it go and focused on making new friends.

angelfire Sun 20-Oct-13 08:46:01

What do you want to happen?

Looking at your post I read para 3 as if you had already told her you wanted to cool the friendship "I asked whether I should just let things be". If so may be she read into that that you want to let the friendship ebb away quietly and without fuss. So if you had said that maybe she took that as you didn't want to be a part of her life and hence the lack of invite to the dinner?

If you really want to get it sorted (one way or other other) you have to ask her. Not in a confrontational way but just get her out for a coffee and raise the issue delicately. It is obviously upsetting you and you need to discuss it with her.

I have found that generally friendships do ebb and flow and that is no reflection on a person; life doesn't stand still and friendships reflect this.

Get it sorted and then you will know

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 08:52:10

Thanks all. I had considered making a comment or "liking" a pic but then thought it might look like I was fishing for an explanation to why I wasn't there (although I guess that's what I am doing!).

I think we've just grown apart. Since having DD and especially after the year I've had, I've re-evaluated my priorities. I really can't be bothered with cryptic FB statues which require the "hon, you ok?" and the photos that require you to write "looking hot". I don't do that anymore to her, she's got another friend who will. I'm sad for me but I'm also sad my for DD. I'd it carries in like this shell have a Godmother she doesn't see and the reason we picked Godparents is because we're religious and wanted DD to have a "family" as I don't have parents and DH has just his mother.

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 08:53:16

angel, sorry if wasn't clear. I asked that question to MN, haven't raised any of this with my friend at all. Tbh, we haven't spoken for 6 weeks.

Whereisegg Sun 20-Oct-13 08:55:50

If she said she was going out for a meal with her dp, maybe she thought that was what was happening.
If her dp organised this as a surprise it could very well be a mistake that you weren't there.

OwlinaTree Sun 20-Oct-13 08:58:15

The other friends can still be friends with you. They've not necessarily taken sides because they are out with her.

southeastdweller Sun 20-Oct-13 09:04:44

angel If I'm reading the post right, she was asking MN if she should let things be', not asking the friend. I agree with you that to discuss it openly is best, a friendship that's lasted this long deserves that.

Long shot but I wonder if her dinner with her and her husband turned into something bigger at the last minute. Then again she still could have text you or something. Really appalling behaviour in any case that you need to ask her about.

I'm going through a similar thing myself at the moment so I understand how these things hurt.

angelfire Sun 20-Oct-13 09:06:25

soislife - I realised after I posted that you must have asked that generally to MN rather than saying it to her directly.

If you are happy to let the friendship go then don't worry about asking her.
But if it going to eat you up ask her. You can do it gently in a way that allows you to pull back if the initial response is not good.

SolomanDaisy Sun 20-Oct-13 09:10:54

I'd guess the friendship is already pretty dead from her point of view. I'd ask her why you weren't invited.

bettsiom Sun 20-Oct-13 09:11:49

People often say about how friends with kids don't make time to maintain their "pre motherhood" friendships,what with new priorities and not free to go out all the time etc - I think it can go wrong the other way too. Sometimes people assume that once you've got a baby you're not interested in being included or always too busy, or maybe it's just case of people not feeling as in synch with their lives or less common ground.

I have really made an effort with my two closest friends, but have definitely found a lack of reciprocation in one of the friendships. So after being patient for a year, I have decided just to give in to the fizzleing out of the friendship which is quite sad, but it means I feel less pissed off about it.

But lives and connections do change, so I guess I am only allowed mummy friends now eh?

But I feel for you as it is important to have some connection to life beyond your family and to your old self and friendships. And I think it's a bit crap on on her part.

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 09:12:18

I'm just tired of all this "high school" drama. I wish I knew what'd changed but I'm just not into confrontation.

RandomMess Sun 20-Oct-13 09:13:31

It sounds like you've stopped massaging her ego, so you are changing the dynamics of the friendship. There is nothing to stop you actually inviting her around and arranging to do stuff - showing that you interested in her as a person and friend even though you no longer do the ego massaging bit?

Finola1step Sun 20-Oct-13 09:14:03

Friendship aside, she is your dd's Godmother. It sounds like that if this were to continue, your friend would not be able or willing to fulfill the role of what you consider to a godmother to be. Therefore, you do need to have a conversation with her. Ignore all the FB stuff. Talk to her face to face, just you two. Ask her if you have done anything to upset her. See what she says. If she is no longer interested in you and your family, then you will need to think very seriously about the Gidmother role. It is possible to add another later on, I did this myself at the age of 9 and had a small rechristening.

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 09:15:54

bettsiom - think your observation is exactly right & the distancing has just been intensified as with my surgeries I've been in too much pain to go out places, plus I haven't vernal lowed to drive for 2 months with my recovery.

Balistapus Sun 20-Oct-13 09:16:09

Ouch, that hurts. I had a similar situation with my BF of 15 years. She started being "really busy with work" all the time. I then found out through a friend of mine that she'd had a dinner party and invited my friend but not me. I realised that you can't make someone give you what you want in a relationship so I decided to wait for her to make the next contact and that was 6 years ago.
I think she decided that we'd grown apart. In a way, although I was hurt as I lost my best friendship, I wasn't angry with her as I wondered what could you do in her situation? Sit down with a friend and tell them you don't want to see them?

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 09:16:35

*been allowed

Howsuper Sun 20-Oct-13 09:16:39

I'd definitely leave it now. What more do you need to know? She couldn't have made it clearer by not inviting you for her birthday dinner. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to remain friends.

Please don't comment on Facebook - you won't come out of it well whatever you say.

If you ask her what's up, it's extremely unlikely she'll tell you the truth as people don't like to be confronted or put on the spot, she will probably feel awkward and trot out some white lies about why she's not seen you/invited you - so I don't think you will get closure.

Hold your head high and let this go and work through your hurt feelings on your own. This happens in life, it's hard but you need to move on.

Your dd won't really care either way, honestly.

onedevil Sun 20-Oct-13 09:22:29

In the circumstances you describe, I would have to ask her outright why you weren't invited & ask if you've done something to offend as that's not nice.

Merguez Sun 20-Oct-13 09:24:18

Nobody should expect to be invited to a dinner party.

SuperMuddle Sun 20-Oct-13 09:27:58

OP, if you feel the friendship is worth saving, ask her outright why you were not invited. Perhaps you do need to distance yourself from this group, but talking to them, as well as to the friend concerned, will help you to work out what the actual dynamic is. I think that commenting on the Facebook photos is passive aggressive, tempted though I would be!

I'm in a similar situation with my BF of nearly 30 years (met when we were toddlers). She and her DH were moving away for his job. I met up with her and said to let me know her move date and we'd get together to say goodbye. I heard nothing from her, then weeks later I saw a reference on Facebook to a farewell party that had happened without my knowledge. She's since contacted me to say she has had her son (I knew about her pregnancy), but apart from that, pretty much nothing. I don't have her address, and feel like she decided to leave me behind in every sense when she moved. Bear in mind she had been my maid of honour a couple of months before, I had been hers, and she had asked me to be godmother to her daughter, in a baptism which never actually took place.

I have accepted that the friendship has simply run its course, although I can't bring myself to delete her number, and have not told her of my own pregnancy. It's sad, but we had not been the kind of friends who talked every day. I'm concentrating on my hobbies, and on my pregnancy, and will find new friends.

SuperMuddle Sun 20-Oct-13 09:30:30

merguez, if a friend has a party to celebrate her birthday to which she invites your other mutual friends but not you, then that is a snub.

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