To ask if you've improved your self esteem, how you did it?

[Housesellerihope]

I would rally like to be able to be respected for my opinions and behaviour at work in my professional job - think solicitor although it isn't exactly that as I don't want to out myself. However, I was badly abused as a child and have an anxiety disorder and low self esteem as a result. I also have bad posture due to a skeletal deformity that causes lumbar lordosis so hunched shoulders, etc. plus I'm short and can't wear heels due to said deformity.

I really know my stuff at work and my written reports are very good. But in discussions and meetings I either clam up or sort of lash out nervously. So i come across as knowing a lot less than i do. Although I get on well with my immediate colleagues the ones who don't know me tend to think I'm a bit weird at best and incompetent at worst.

So... AIBU to ask if you've had ishoos in the past with self esteem and self presentation? And if you've managed to get beyond them what did you do?

[Tweenangst]

Truefully, I got older and uglier than I thought I was twenty years ago when I thought I was old and ugly. Decided that I could go on thinking the same shit for another thirty years, then realised that life is too short. There will always be situations where you doubt yourself, but also there will be situations where you can shine. Enjoy your life xx

[GailTheGoldfish]

I used to suffer from terrible stage fright which was a huge issue for me, given that I was training to be an actress....! I found the Rosen method very helpful for letting go of emotional baggage and can recommend a good London based practitioner if that's helpful. www.rosenmethod.co.uk/
Or recently I have got quite into the Sedona Method which you can do yourself without having to go and see a practitioner. Google it, there's a book you can buy and lots of free stuff on the web. Best of luck to you!

[Reastie]

marking place as I have rubbish self esteem and am interested to hear responses.

[Turnipvontrapp]

Read "feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers. I find it great for self- esteem.

[ChilliDoritos]

CBT and counselling helped me loads.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

Shit loads of therapy. I'm considerably poorer but feel considerably less crap about myself.

[FreudiansSlipper]

counselling of course is great

studying for me and looking at what i have and not what i could and my life is not too bad

[lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout]

My self esteem improved with age. I hated being a teenager though. I was shy very self concious. I could never relax around crowds of people. I was terrified of being mocked. xx

[FortyDoorsToNowhere]

What I stop over thinking and second guessing what others was thinking

[NewbieMcNewbie]

I think removing people who chip away at your self-esteem from your life is the first step. Sometimes those people are not necessarily toxic or nasty, there is just something about them that makes you feel bad about yourself. This may well be your problem not theirs, but life's too short

[NewbieMcNewbie]

Yes, yes, getting older helps enormously!

[NewbieMcNewbie]

In terms of your work situation, you are just shy. That's ok.

You could try being friendlier. Sometimes unfriendly can become a default setting without realising it.

I'm not having a go - just might help a bit.?

[SplitHeadGirl]

Do you have a best friend, OP?? Or friends you could talk to in complete confidence?

My self esteem was AWFUL...I had anorexia (I was sectioned), insomnia...I have a rare syndrome that makes my looks unusual, to say the least. But then I met my best friend, and she is simply wonderful...she tells me daily just the loveliest things.

When you hear it, you kinda tend to believe it.

Now my esteem is pretty good - due to my husband and children and so on, yes...but she definitely started it.

[SplitHeadGirl]

Oh...I also read somewhere that feelings follow behaviour, rather than the other way round. SO if you ACT confident, then real feelings of confidence can follow!!

[Flumpyflumps]

I had a very long drug addiction that was eventually put down to chronic low self esteem due to child abuse when I was about 6-12.
Huge amounts of counselling psychotherapy and anti depressants have turned it round 180 for me, I'm 5 years clear of negative thoughts, 2 years clean, I have lovely DH,DD (who isn't sleeping but that's another story!!) and life improves every day.

Find the root cause and you'll be grand x

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Counselling. Assertiveness training. Working on boundary issues (like saying no) agreing on helping others, on my own terms. Having some fun (not at anyone's expense).

[greenbananas]

I realised that if I was somebody else, looking at me, I would think I was alright, if that makes sense. Not perfect, but human and forgivable.

Getting older also helps.

[Gretagumbo]

Be nice to yourself, treat yourself like your dearest friend. Also do something outside of work, try a few things out, meet new people.
I get my nails done every few weeks, such a simple little thing but it makes me feel glamourous. Am going through acrimonious break up so am feeling a bit beaten by negativity.
Also stop telling yourself you know what others are thinking. How do you know they think you are wierd? Imagine they have equal self esteem issues, not a strange as you may think x

[WineIsMyMainVice]

What kind of organisation do you work for? Could you talk to your manager or hr department about some coaching or a mentor being assigned for you? This helped me at work.
Good luck.

[WineIsMyMainVice]

Oh and the other thing that helped my self esteem was doing some voluntary work in a related field but away from work.... I was helping people less fortunate and really boosted my confidence.

[mamaslatts]

DH lacks confidence at work too but is actually very good at his job (like you). I remember being in a meeting with a two senior partners who rattled on about his technical genius not realising we were an item (many years ago now!)
All I would say from a work perspective is you don't always know what people think, act professionally and leave a silence rather than rushing to fill it with guff. I have now changed professions and some of the most respected people I know you could look at in the street and not realise the breath/depth of their knowledge.

[mistyshouse]

[mamaslatts]

Oh and can you get involved in training/mentoring juniors in your job? That really gave me confidence proving what I knew (to myself and others). You also sound quite kind which is always a really useful quality in a mentor.

[AllBoxedUp]

I found this book really useful. It really helped me feel less self conscious which helped me feel better about myself. I didn't actually even do it properly in terms of carrying out the exercises - just reading it helped me change the way I saw things.