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To think my mother is just awful?

(108 Posts)
TheCrumpetQueen Sat 19-Oct-13 15:47:39

Can anyone else relate to this?

My mother is very hard work. Ill pop in and see her once a week or so as I live a 30 min drive away and have a small ds.

When I see her she is hysterical, as in she talks non-stop about either herself or other people she knows and about their children etc.

-She will show me people's facebook and twitter pages.
-She talks very loudly all the time, almost shouting even if I'm sitting right next to her.
-You cannot interject if she is talking or she goes mad 'IM TALKING!' even if its related.
-She never asks about me or ds at all the whole time.
-If I'm ill or something and say 'God I feel awful' she will automatically say 'I'm ill too' and then go into a massive story about herself.

Me and my sister are at our wits end and are both going through quite a lot in our lives whereas she is healthy, financially stable etc yet constantly makes out like she is having an awful time.

When I had my ds, she didnt bother coming over to see us until I called her crying when I had pnd and was alone when he was 4 weeks old.
She will never come to my house unless I say come over. She never comes over if me or ds are ill (have bother been unwell for a couple of weeks now and haven't heard from her).

I don't really want to spend anymore time with her to be honest sad

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 19-Oct-13 19:08:10

Yes, but it's a void that gets filled up with the love for and from your dc over the years OP smile

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 19-Oct-13 20:05:42

smile sniff

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 22:19:11

Op I really could have written your post, my mum has always been really really difficult, emotionally and physically abusive when we were growing up. My Dad died last year and he was her ' enabler' if you like, he was such a wonderful loyal person and asked us to look after her when he was gone ( she was horrible to him too even when he was I'll). It's a constant source of stress to me, when I visit she's always sitting in her nightclothes, she's angry and bitter and aggressive, she has fought with her most of her neighbours and started a row with some new people who have just moved in nearby:-( she's always shouting about how she wants her own life but yet when we try to distance ourselves she always manages to drag us back in.
I'm always looking for a mother figure ( I'm nearly 40), I just feel like she's blighted my life for as long as I can remember and probably will for a long time to come, she's impossible. Sorry Op I didn't want to hijack your thread just needed to unload.

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 22:20:25

God that was long

loveandsmiles Sat 19-Oct-13 22:34:33

OP & Slinky ~ I really relate to your posts. I didn't realise what a bad mum my mum was until I had my own children and knew I would never treat them how she treated me. Life is all about her ~ she does nothing for me or my DC ~ it is draining dealing with her. 6 months ago, I stopped visiting or telephoning and I haven't seen or heard from her since. Life is more pleasant without her in it, but I would so love to have a "normal" mum.......

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 22:41:13

loveandsmiles I really wish I could just cut her out as my other sister has done. I have read about Narcisstic personality disorder and it was as if someone knew my mum and wrote a book about her. I just feel so guilty all the time, she is so manipulative and can turn on the tears to pile on the guilt. I have that horrible fight or flight feeling every time I go to see her. I have considered moving to another country just to see if the guilt subsides, my DH wont hear of it.

Lazysuzanne Sat 19-Oct-13 22:47:46

Slinky, it sounds appallingsad
I've cut my own mother out, about 8 years ago, I dont especially find myself looking for a mother figure, or even missing a mother ( I am often surprised & bemused at the fact that my own daughter appears to like me)
Perhaps if you could somehow let go of that need you might be able to cut contact?

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 22:58:09

lazysuzanne in the last few years I've come to realise that she's never going to be the mother figure I need/want. It's usually if I meet an older lady, for example, I moved in to my house a few years ago and my neighbour came out to chat to me, I found myself thinking, oh wouldnt it be great if we became real friends and she could advise me on motherhood, awkward work situations etc. I
Even imagined us chatting over coffee in my kitchen. I sooo know that makes me sound like a total weirdo and I wod never admit it to anyone in RL, but it's the truth:-(
I am just desperate to know what to do about her. I could go on endlessly about her, I feel so damaged because of her but can't break away, the guilt would kill me. I'm trapped.

Lazysuzanne Sat 19-Oct-13 23:04:06

I can relate to what you're saying a bit about feeling drawn to the sort of women that you'd like to have had as a mother.
Mine's never been all that motherly, I dont think I ever expected her to be, yours sounds kind of clingy what with all the water works, I can see that'd make it harder to cut ties, parents just know exactly which buttons to press, exactly how much pressure to apply to each button and exactly what sequence to press them in

Lazysuzanne Sat 19-Oct-13 23:11:03

even if you dont feel able to cut ties, perhaps you can find some way of switching off from her, getting in control of the interactions between you and stopping her from getting to you so much?

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 23:12:14

Never a truer word spoken lazysuzanne, she knows exactly what to do to send me on guilt trip. It's totally irrational that I feel like this, she was so mean/hurtful/ cold/ abusive when we were growing up, my husband says its an absolute miracle that three out of four of us still bother with her.
Did your mum ever try to contact you?

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 23:17:49

I try desperately not to react to any of her rants, I'm always just neutral and try not to internalise it but really I do, it's ruining my life. I have a lovely DH and two wonderful DC, I should be happy but yet she's always in the back of my mind. I need counselling or something, she's supposed to be coming for dinner tomorrow and I'm dreading listening to her monologues, there is so such thing as a two way conversation with her.
I keep thinking someone will have the answer as to how to deal with her but really I know there is no answer to that.

Lazysuzanne Sat 19-Oct-13 23:23:20

She has tried a few times through relatives.
I didnt respond, I couldnt face having to deal with all the stuff, and I dont trust her at all.
you might in time find a way to resolve things, feelings can change and sometimes insights come without warning (apologies for the 'ancient chinese proverb' tone of my post grin)

Slinkysista Sat 19-Oct-13 23:41:42

Don't apologise, I love thought provoking musings. I just hope something changes, I live in hope!!
I'm happy to hear that you are living a happy life minus your mother. I hope one day I can do that too smile

Balistapus Sun 20-Oct-13 00:01:33

I've come to realise that she's never going to be the mother I need/want

This is the first step to moving on. I have a difficult mother too like the other posters. Once you realise this fact you have to accept it and, strange as this might sound, go through a bereavement for the mother you will never have. I minimised contact with my mother while I went through that process and now I have a relationship with her that I'm in control of. I see her as a damaged person with special needs who I have a shared history with, but no motherly expectations.

Hope that helps!

Finola1step Sun 20-Oct-13 00:49:11

I highly recommend urge book mentioned up thread, "The Emotionally Absent Mother". I too had the fear of repeating certain relationship habits shall we say, with my own children. This fear brought me to the book. It can be an emotionally challenging read at times but that is to be expected. It has helped me to reform my expectations and my reactions within my relationship with my mum. It's a very useful book.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 20-Oct-13 00:55:05

The only awful thing she did was choose my stepdad over me and my sister. He was sexually inappropriate with us both and I'm sure she knew but didn't care and still sees him

You know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you going no contact with your mother.

Have you had counselling for any of this?

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 07:24:45

I've had counselling for anxiety, phobia and panic attacks I have - cbt and it did help me gain control over my thoughts.

loveandsmiles Sun 20-Oct-13 08:06:28

slinky I feel much less weird to know others look at other older ladies and wonder what they would be like to be your mumgrin· I always look at all the grandparents picking little ones from nursery and wish my mum could ever be bothered to do that.......

OP it's hard dealing with your mum but very hard to cut ties too ~ I think you always hope things will get better, I hope for you too x

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 09:51:57

loveandsmiles I am so delighted that I'm not alone in doing that, my mum has very little interest in my children, I think that's what has really got to me. I could never envisage a time when I wouldn't be interested in my children, they are so precious.
Op have you ever spoken to her about her behaviour? Does she have friends or sisters who would talk to her about the way she behaves? It's so hard isn't it?

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 10:15:31

I have, but in jest. I tried to do it seriously once and she flew off the handle and went defensive and nasty/cried.

Also, what's really horrible is if I say anything about her behaviour she always turns it on me 'well, you're so ungrateful/you're so defensive' etc etc just comes out with horrible personal attacks which are untrue.
She did this last time I went there was really upsetting

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 10:25:47

None of us can change the past but we can mould our own futures. Good luck. I guess I'm an older lady now at 53. Will be mindful of your comments about needing a helping hand.

My church is looking at ways of supporting vulnerable new mums who are putting on a public front at the moment and I will bear some of what has been said in mind because I think I'm going to be someone who actively helps with this initiative because I remember only too well how hard those early days were and yet nobody looking in would have been allowed to guess.

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 10:34:12

Goodness she sounds so like my mum, it's desperately hard to deal with. It's gotten worse since my DDad died, she plays the grieving widow so well and tells everyone how lonely she is now. What people don't know is that she tortured him right to the end, he couldn't even rest properly in his own home. She was horrendous.
My mum is a great one for projection and rewriting history, she used to say that my Dad was lazy, he worked everyday of his life from the age of 13!
The personal attacks are horrendous, my Mum once called me a "disgusting human being", it's really stayed with me, I was only 16 at the time and it was because I came home late by 10 minutes.
At least now if she starts with the attacks I can get up and leave and go home to my lovely family smile

MillyMollyMandy78 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:50:36

I can relate o some of what you are saying here. I cut contact with my narc mum May this year. The lack of interest in our lives, abusing waiting/ shop staff, everything being about her.

I went to counselling a few years ago cos stuff with my mum had completely ereoded my confidence, due to the continual abuse and put-downs. I remember sitting in tears and confiding that my biggest fear was that i would 'turn into' my mum. The counsellor said that would never happen because i didn't want to.

Lazysuzanne Sun 20-Oct-13 11:04:36

In RL people seem shocked and dismayed to learn that I'm NC with my mother, as if I've broken some ultimate taboo.
(it's not something I disclose readily)

On here it seems rather common

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