I could well be. I've spent a week visiting my parents with a 3yo and 2mo and I'm feeling frazzled

[themummyonthebus]

I possibly/probably am but I'm stewing on this so please give me some perspective.

My 3yo is very energetic. He tests boundaries all the time and I often feel like I spend the while time saying no to him. I try very hard to praise him for the good stuff and just have fun/silly time at some point during the day.

My 2mo just wants to feed all the time and is a classic Velcro baby.

My father is very authoritarian and getting worse with age. There's always been lots of shouting in our house when I was growing up but he's now becoming impossible to have a normal conversation with if you don't agree with his view point. He just cuts you off or ignores you.

The 3yo has been pretty boisterous this visit but I'm doing what I can with a nursing child glued to me to moderate his behaviour. On the whole he's been ok, few throwing incidents but nothing major. I know my parents are finding him hard work, mostly because of age I think - Dad is an old 70, my Mum a young 70. I've also had to ask my Dad a couple of times not to discipline him while I'm in the middle of doing so.

My Dad let him colour in a book today (which may or may not be relevant) while I was out at an appointment with the baby. This afternoon we were all sitting in the lounge when he picked up a yellow marker and looked as if he was going to draw on the armrest covers of my parent's light green sofa. He was looking at me so I looked him in the eye and started to say, "No, don't be silly, put the pen away, it's not a toy." I got to approximately the "N" when my parents both started shouting at him, my Mum just a couple of nos, my Dad really shouting, "No, don't you dare, don't you even dare," several times.

When I suggested this was perhaps a bit of an over reaction my Dad said he didn't want my son destroying their things. I've tried to discuss it like an adult but I've just been shouted at so maybe I am really being UR. I didn't like their reaction for two reasons

1. It was not a major issue in the grand scheme of things. Yes, not great but the covers could be removed and washed if necessary and if they're shouting like that for something like that, what will they do if he tries on something really naughty?
2. There's a definite implication that I am not disciplining/keeping my son under control enough. He's honestly really no different from other 3yo boys and just gets a bit carried away from time to time so throws his toy in excitement, or runs around a lot. If I disciplined him any more we would spend the whole time shouting at each other.

So AIBU? I suspect I am so please just tell me to get over myself.

[themummyonthebus]

Oh goodness, I've just reread that. What an essay, congratulations if you make it though to the end!

[MissBeehiving]

YANBU - seems to be an overreaction on your parents behalf. I wouldn't stay in my parents (or anyone else's house) if they shouted at me to be honest. That's just bullying an unpleasant behaviour to both of you really.

[Catinthebed]

It sounds like your parents like mine are a bit old school with discipline.

I am not sure I have any good advice but I have been there and its not nice. A week is too long for them at thier age.

[puntasticusername]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It just sounds like a very fraught, stressful situation for everyone involved, for all the reasons you've mentioned.

Sorry but if you've already been there for a week...how soon can you leave?! And maybe not visit again until your youngest is a little older and more settled, and/or you have other sources of support around?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to, I just can't see an easy way out of this one! Obviously when you go, be as sensitive as you can - I wouldn't try and have any conversations about how things have gone this time, just draw a line under this visit and maybe when you get home, think about anything you may want to say or do to make future visits easier. (need a good example here, can't quite think of one).

[puntasticusername]

Ah ok, example, example...

As your 3yo is a lively boy, commit to taking him out of the house for an agreed period of time every day to do something active with him. To wear him out a bit and give your parents a breather, that they know they can count on having every day.

I have no idea how suitable/practical this is for you, it's just a thought.

[CailinDana]

Yanbu. Poor child being assailed by three adults for something he didn't even do! If you are in the room you discipline, simple.

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

That would annoy me, as in the over reaction,

My mil and Fil, are burping cheerleaders. What's this you may ask.
As in i stop feeding ds as he has wind, pick up 3 month old Ds, start winding him
"Come on, come on, you have to break your wind, come on, oh he doesn't like to give it up does he, come on come on" and repeat till Ds burps.

Everytime!!!

Sorry for the hijack, it's been annoying me all day and can't say anything to DH.

[puntasticusername]

yellow omg, that sounds insufferable!

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

Puntastic, it makes me want to scream.
If he even makes a teeny crying noise of discomfort when I go to wind him, it's "no,no,no, no,no, no, oh come on its not that bad"
More annoying is if you just sit him up now he burps himself after about 30 seconds, but he doesn't even get a chance as there are two people in his face distracting him.

[themummyonthebus]

At yellow. When the now 3yo started smiling my Mum would say every time, "That's not a smile, he's trying to do a poo."

I'm leaving tomorrow thank goodness. For various reasons it's been worse than usual - DH not with us, first time with DC2, first time staying over in over a year (parents normally come to us). I have been trying to make sure we've been going out lots but the weather is crap so we've been out for shorter times than usual, and again it's been more difficult with the 24hr nurse-a-thon that my DC2 seems to be on. They've also both been quite disturbed at night so I'm a bit sleep deprived and lacking in energy. And Dad will be quite happily playing with him and suddenly say, "I'm too tired to play now," sit down and pick up the newspaper and totally switch off from him, which of course he finds difficult to understand.

They do love him, I think I have to accept that DDad is getting too old to be left with him alone. It's really sad as I had a wonderful relationship with my DDad's Dad and I would love my children to have that relationship with the DDad I used to worship (I'm a real daddy's girl) but he's just turned into a selfish old man

[puntasticusername]

yellow eek! Just smile and think happy thoughts. Silver lining, silver lining, at least they love him so much and take such joy in him!

themummy Aw, I feel for everyone involved. Think you're right, things are changing for your family, and reading between the lines I should think your dad is as aware as anybody of his changing capabilities. Like they say - getting old isn't for wimps

[themummyonthebus]

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

I will try I fear in a few months when I will try and do blw, the possible gagging will be too much for them. As today he couldn't concentrate on burping and was just looking quickly back and forward to them. Poor wee thing.

Themummy, one more day then you are free, then as an above poster said, maybe leave it a bit till the baby isn't so Velcro like. But well done on lasting a week! my limit is a few hours with my mum and sometimes even less with pil.

[IsItMeOr]

Sounds like your parents are just getting a bit old to have much hands on time with a 3yo. And a week would be too long a stay just for me with my parents ;).

It sounds like you are all rather on edge. I must admit that I have been known to shout like that when I see 4yo DS going to do something non-life-threatening but really irritating if I'm feeling stressed out.

My tip is to only have colouring pens in a defined space, e.g. at the table, to avoid the worst consequences of creativity.

[Nanny0gg]

This afternoon we were all sitting in the lounge when he picked up a yellow marker and looked as if he was going to draw on the armrest covers of my parent's light green sofa.

Sorry. I would have shouted at that too. May not have needed three of us, but I wouldn't have waited to see who was getting in first.

[themummyonthebus]

Nanny0gg, what would you have shouted? Because I was starting to say something when both my parents jumped in and I'm not sure if what they said was too much or not? I would also have been very angry if he had actually done it.

Isitme - my suggestions at what are appropriate things to have lying around have not gone down well. I've been a bit fed up of him being told off for playing with something unsuitable that had been put out for him to play with (antique child's rocking chair anyone? Oh, but he's rocking too much ). And he was allowed to colour in something this morning (a book) that I would never in a million years have allowed him to do. Talk about mixed messages.

Anyway, I can accept I was being unreasonable for not having reacted strongly enough over the initial incident and try not to tip into unreasonable territory by drop feeding. Although I'm still not 100% sure what level of reaction was appropriate.

[themummyonthebus]

With the book, I mean it was a nice book about colours and Dad felt the reds weren't red enough so found him a red pen and let him loose.

[OrchidLass]

This is very familiar! My dad was a bit like this too and mum was always telling him to calm down round the dcs when they were toddlers. I always tried so hard to make sure they didn't break or damage anything, which thankfully they never did but my god it was stressful! Looking back, i do think think that by the time they retired they had worked so hard for so long to provide 'nice things' for them and their home and garden became so important to them that it really upset my dad in particular if something was going to get damaged.

[Sparklysilversequins]

My parents were like this too. I think elderly people sometimes forget what children are like and only see the things they perceive as "naughty" especially if they are quite authoritarian in the first place as you say your Dad is. I think they forget the realities of young children and almost see them as the enemy (if that makes sense?).

I wouldn't stay there for a week it's too long. My parents tried this a couple of times with lots of digs re my lack of discipline so I just stopped going, then they didn't like that either .

[themummyonthebus]

My Dad still works, can't afford to retire

Orchidlass, you're right about that. I was brought up to be respectful of the things in our house (lots of nice furniture) and they are not well off, so even though the sofa is the most horrible piece of furniture in the whole house I totally agree with preventing any kind of damage - this was the first time DC1 had shown any destructive tendencies this week

I don't think I'll be visiting again by myself. It was supposed to be helpful as DH is away for the week... And the first time of meeting DC2.

Now I've just got to work out how to pack while feeding DC2 and corralling DC1

[pixiepotter]

I think the example you give was an instinctive reaction to not wanting some irreperable damage to an expensive item.
And I wouldn't call what they were doing disciplining they were just telling him 'no'

[NoComet]

All can say is your DS probably doesn't care. DCs are amazingly adaptable.

My DDad is short tempered and prone to snap at you for not a lot. He is even more old school than me and DH (and we shout and smacked occasionally)

I've asked the DDs do you mind Grandpa being snappy? No we love grandpa, it's just the way he is.

[Sparklysilversequins]

My eldest calls his Grand Dad "Grumpa" .

[Nanny0gg]

I would have shouted 'No' whilst lunging across the room to grab the pens (I'm not in my seventies!). He wouldn't have necessarily realised he was about to be naughty, but I would have wanted him to realise pretty sharpish.

See, I can see why you're upset and your DS sounds like a perfectly normal 3 year-old. But are your parents used to three year-old boys? I am now, but they can be a shock if you are used to a more docile girl (which I assume you were as your father is so strict).
So they may see you as 'soft' whilst they appear 'hard' and I think you might both be a bit defensive about the whole thing.

[CrohnicallyLurking]

Have you tried a sling for your Velcro baby? I found mine invaluable, I had a cheap moby wrap type thing from eBay. I never did get the hang of feeding in it, but it gives you your hands free (to lunge at pen wielding toddlers?) while still holding baby.