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To hate that my Dp ALWAYS wants to chill?

(35 Posts)
Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 16:28:47

Been with my Dp for nearly 5yrs and he has always been happy to go with the flow and let me make the decisions on most things, where we live where we go out, when we were to have a baby etc. Fast forward to a flat and baby later he's the same and there are things that I just wish he'd want to do. He's quite happy to come home from work and play GTA (don't get me started on that one!) and then at the weekend relax as he's been at work all week. He works shifts so some weeks he'll only work 2/3 days but will then what to chill as he's NOT at work.

This pretty much leaves me to come up with things to do, going to the park, out for dinner (with ds), to families or day trips (these are very rare). 99% of the time I have to really sell this to him and try and convince him to want to do something, I love to be out. I do bits on my own too and he's normally at home 'chillin' but I think it's good for us to do things as a family.

I recently spoke to him about going on holiday next year and he says he doesn't want to go as he won't feel relaxed as DS will still be a baby (15or so months) and wont be independant yet, plus he won't remember. He Just doesn't see the point in spending money to go away to pretty much do what we do here. Turned into a big argument as I'm pro holiday for reasons that are common sense to me but Dp just doesn't see the appeal.

I'm very tempted to go alone or with a family member as I need a holiday.

He says there is no pleasing me and I always want to do stuff all the time.

We are only 30 and I'd hate to be an old lady full of regrets. AIBU?

stowsettler Thu 17-Oct-13 16:32:37

No I don't think YABU. I'm in a similar relationship: I'm a very busy person, always need to be doing stuff but DP is much more fond of staying at home, playing music, reading. However DP does do stuff with me and DD at weekends, we go out together some evenings and we've booked a few long weekends away. He would also come on holiday I think - under sufferance though. We will see next summer!
TBH if my DP didn't do anything it would drive me round the bend, so I don't think YABU.

isitsnowingyet Thu 17-Oct-13 16:35:41

YANBU - your DP sounds either lazy or depressed (?) - and not as dynamic as yourself. Not sure what to suggest...perhaps a rocket up his arse?

SaucyJack Thu 17-Oct-13 16:38:28

YABU if he'd always been like that, and you still chose him for your life partner anyway.

MortifiedAdams Thu 17-Oct-13 16:41:08

I dont like abroad holidays much, and dont much fancy taking toddler dd on one as I dont think it would feel like a relaxing break. I wouldnt be happy at being told I had to do it either. Id be telling dh to take dd without me or go with a friend and leave me at home.

I also like to just relax in the evenings. However, on a day off, I still.need to get out somewhere at some point.

Does he have time with the baby alone?

PoppyAmex Thu 17-Oct-13 16:42:01

It just sounds like you're incompatible.

Lulabellarama Thu 17-Oct-13 16:43:04

TBH if he's always been this way you've got what you signed up to. People rarely change.

My parents split up over this very issue, it wore my mum down over the years.

AnandaTimeIn Thu 17-Oct-13 16:43:11

Yes, organise a holiday with someone else and let him stay home taking care of DD.


Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 17-Oct-13 16:44:58

YABU if he has always been like this.

PuppyMonkey Thu 17-Oct-13 16:46:37

"Holiday" with a 15 month old? Oh yes, I remember those. confused shock

moogy1a Thu 17-Oct-13 16:47:05

God he sounds boring.

NeedlesCuties Thu 17-Oct-13 16:47:46

Does he do any of the looking after of DS on his own? Or is he always chilling too much to allow you to go anywhere on your own - gym, shopping etc?

moogy1a Thu 17-Oct-13 16:48:24

Does he smoke weed?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Oct-13 16:54:23

I was thinking that moogy
He's not going to change so you need to decide what you want from life.
Stay with him for the next 20+ years waiting for him to get some gumption or go and find someone who you are more suited to?
The decision is yours!

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Thu 17-Oct-13 16:58:51

YANBU about everything up to the holiday. I agree with Dh there that it just won't be fun.

DisappointedHorse Thu 17-Oct-13 17:03:43

I have one of those, he's incredibly chilled to the point he needs a rocket up his arse to do anything. Don't get me started on the decorating. Or GTA!

I decide what we eat, what we watch, where we go on holiday, what we do at the weekends, most things. I'm far more of a doer. Over the years it's driven me mad but actually I just work with it now. I won't change him and my life is better with him in it.

He's happy to go on holiday but doesn't have the same need to travel that I do so I tell him I'm going away for a few days with friends, he's looking after the kids. He's fine with it. I decide how the house is decorated and book a decorator, he's fine with it.

There are times I just lose my rag and shout at him to just make a bloody decision but on the whole having a partner who is so relaxed is actually quite nice. He doesn't get angry, or controlling, is happy, sociable (as long as I arrange it!) a great conversationalist and I think is generally content to just be. After being in an EA relationship for many years I think it's actually what attracted me to him in the first place. Has yours always been like this?

If he really won't do anything with you at all though, that may be cause for concern.

BackforGood Thu 17-Oct-13 17:05:19

It just sounds as if you are 2 different sorts of people - nowt wrong with that, but the kind of thing most of us take into consideration before we start a family with someone. I don't see how you can really complain if that is what he has been like as long as you've known him.

rachyconks Thu 17-Oct-13 17:08:36

I'm not long back from hols with my mum & DD (DH couldn't go because of work). It was hard work, but it was great. Babies/toddlers are hard work whether you are at home or on hols. I'd rather be sat on a beach looking after my DD than stuck at home!!!

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Thu 17-Oct-13 17:13:01

He would do my head in.

We went to Turkey for a week with an 18 month old, we (and she) had a fab time.

BlingBang Thu 17-Oct-13 17:14:03

I understand to a degree. I'm at home and love getting the kids out for days out, walks, park etc. my husband lives to chill and just doesn't seem to feel the need. Feel I'm always suggesting stuff but hard to get motivated when you know they aren't that to it and have a long face, sometimes it's got really bad. I've end up finding friends who like what I like doing and we do all the outdoors stuff together, take the kids to caravan Hols (husband's idea of hell). We do lots of holidays but abroad. I take the kids myself sometimes if it's a few low key days away in the UK or with a friend.

I sympathise, it can be really hard when you ae out of sync - don't really know what the solution is.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 17:19:59

I would have gone insane from boredom by now if he was my DP, so I don't think YABU to hate what he's doing. However, he's not wrong to enjoy relaxing in any way he sees fit. We're all different. As long as he's not making you do more than your fair share regarding childcare/chores, etc., that's just the way he is and you either have to accept it or split up.

jamaisjedors Thu 17-Oct-13 17:22:44

My friend's DH is like this, and it drives her nuts sometimes, but honestly, from the outside he is a lovely man, would do anything for her, is a great dad etc. and so she just works with it.

Look on the bright side - at least you get to choose what you do - and yes, find other friends or family to do the things you want to do with.

I am always pushing to do stuff but I agree with other posters that he is right about the holiday - it really is not very relaxing, but then neither is being at home! Just don't spend too much money or expect to do the things you used to do on holiday (I got to read a whold book for the first time on holiday when DS2 was 4 and we were camping).

Preciousbane Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mydelilah Thu 17-Oct-13 17:33:25

YANBU. I disagree with posters saying this is how he is and you should accept it. He is a dad, and needs to spend time playing/ showing his DC new experiences both as a family and 1 on 1. This takes effort and is part of being a parent and raising a child.

To refuse to go on holiday (assuming you have the funds to do so) is mean and unfair on you if this is something you want for yourself and your child

We have had several holidays with our DC and we have a great time, nothing better for a 2 y o to spend the day playing on the beach, exploring, being in a new environment.

My DH would also far rather chill all weekend, but he gets chill time and family time (I do have to organise it most of the time though!)

wordfactory Thu 17-Oct-13 17:39:17

I think chilling some time is therapeutic. Imperative even.

But I wouldn't want it as the default setting. God no.

DH often books tickets for bands, plays, sports events. We always go away as a family two or three times a year and it's never all left to me!

OP you must be very frustrated!

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