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To not want my bridesmaid to get a cut & colour 2 1/2 hours before my wedding?

(142 Posts)
Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 19:33:58

Getting married on Friday, low key registry office do with lunch & a boozy evening afterwards. Only 5 people attending the ceremony including DP and I.

My bridesmaid is my dear best friend, (let's call her Kerry) she is the kindest person you could ever wish to meet. She has done so much for me and I love her. However, she's a bit of an airhead bless her.

She was supposed to get a cut & colour on Saturday but our other friend the hairdresser cancelled. Our friend the hairdresser (let's call her Ann) said don't worry, I'll do it when I come round to do Famzillas hair on Friday morning. Kerry says that's fine.

I have a 6mo Velcro baby, who Kerry obviously knows and knows how un-putdownable she is. I was relying on Kerry to give me a hand with DD whilst I did my own make up and Ann put my hair up. But obviously now Kerry needs Ann to give her a cut & colour when she comes at 9.

She has it all planned out in her head and it sounds doable if DD didn't exist. But she does so I feel like I will be literally holding the baby for the entire morning desperately waiting for her to hurry up. We have to leave at 11.20 and as well as doing my own make up, getting my hair done and getting into dress etc.. DD will need her breakfast, a BF, a bath and then getting into her own outfit.

I would never let DD CIO. I am so stressed, this was supposed to be low key and easy but now I feel like a massive bridezilla. I keep saying I don't think it's gonna work and she keeps reassuring me that it'll be fine.

Am I being a bridezilla?

PotPourri Tue 15-Oct-13 17:45:08

You need to be clear with her about the things you are worried about - be specific. And have a back up plan about what happens with the baby - is there a neighbour that could hold the baby for a while?

If you hadn't really discussed her needing to hold the baby all morning, then it's not fair to expect her to know that is what you expect.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 17:46:57

But did you even tell your BM? I mean tbh it would have made sense to me to get the hair done when at yours of that's what the hairdresser said. I would have felt bad being awkward and saying "actually no can you do it - instead".

And honestly it probably wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd be on baby duty, I'd just assume baby would just be kicking about on the floor or with someone else. I doubt she meant anything buy it.

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 19:46:00

I obviously don't expect her to hold the baby all morning, just for about 45 minutes whilst I do my make up. Also a cut a colour for her would take about 2 hours so she would be spending a very large chunk of our short morning getting her hair done. Getting it styled I don't have a problem with obviously. Spending almost all of our morning sitting in my lounge making a hairy mess whilst I get ready for my wedding day alone and totally unaided I do have a problem with.

And there's no way she would assume there is someone else about to help. She is my best friend, she knows every last little detail of my life. She knows I have no parents, siblings, inlaws etc to help. She knew she was going to be the only one there and she knew that she would be helping me with DD as we've been planning the night before and the morning of our wedding for weeks.

I can't ask another friend to help. Can you imagine the thread? "Friend sends STD card for wedding but turns out I'm not invited, she just wanted me to hold the baby all morning whilst her bridesmaid got pampered and she spent the morning alone in her room doing all her wedding preparations..."

Sorry, I'm really stressing at the thought that I'm being a bitch. blush

To the poster who asked if she has kids, no she doesn't. We're in our mid twenties so still quite young and I get that she doesn't get it.

She has said she'll try to leave work early and get it done on Thursday. She finishes work at 4.30 and I've even offered to pick her up from work and drop her off, then pick her up again 2 hours later. This is a good 45 minutes both ways on the night before my wedding. I'm trying to compromise!

Have also text the childminder about having DD Friday morning if BM doesn't get her hair done Thursday.


Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 09:02:59

I think you are sounding a bit like a control freak.
You can get your make up done while the BM has the colour on her hair. It takes a while to 'take'
It is probably just as well you are not having a big wedding if this one issue is stressing you out - but the main issue is you need to sort out the problem with the baby because it seems like you have created what you call a 'high needs baby' The baby should be able to sit in a bouncy chair or even have a nap. You could ask advice from your health visitor?

Still, it would help if your friend would just sort her hair out before Friday ;)

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 16-Oct-13 09:08:19

Regardless of the reason, a bm should expect to be at the bride's full disposal on the morning of the wedding, particularly a relatively early wedding. The daughter and the hair are almost irrelevant - the bridesmaid should be making breakfast or telling op how beautiful she is, or checking that the flowers have arrived on time, or whatever, not spending nearly all the time getting herself ready.

deXavia Wed 16-Oct-13 09:17:54

So who has the baby for the lunch (maybe you) and for the boozy evening (presumably not you)? I do think alternative child care is the answer if she can't get it done on Thursday evening. You're not being Bridezilla but you are now out of time as the hairdresser let you down upfront and understandably your BM doesn't get how difficult it will be.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:19:41

So bridesmaid translates as skivvy then?

Note to self never accept a bridesmaid offer. No one tells me when I can get my own hair done.

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 16-Oct-13 09:20:49

Not skivvy, friend and supporter. She isn't just there to make the photos balance hmm

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:21:57

When are they allowed to get ready then?

lborolass Wed 16-Oct-13 09:29:17

There are some pretty harsh posts here.

I think it's quite reasonable to expect the BM to be around to help in the morning before the wedding and it's certainly not unreasonable for the OP to want to enjoy getting ready without worrying about her DD (45 mins for make up though shockgrin)

It makes me laugh that the go to answer for all problems is a sling - should this be worn over the wedding dress?

Hope you have a good day OP

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:32:42

She is going to be around.though. A cut and colour doesn't take long. Sure she will make any relevant calls while colour is setting or whatever.

It was the hairdresser that suggested it.

Pogosticks Wed 16-Oct-13 09:46:29

YANBU. Of course the bridesmaid shouldn't spend most of the morning getting her hair done, when she can do it another time. And especially when you don't have parents, you need practical and emotional support and attention from someone on a significant day.

Maybe I am biased as I really felt it not having my mum on my wedding day. I didn't get to do that 'bride walks downstairs while parents shed tears of joy' cliche bit.

Good luck with the wedding and congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful day.

claudedebussy Wed 16-Oct-13 09:51:25

of course yanbu.

not at all. good luck, hope it goes well.

Conina Wed 16-Oct-13 09:51:50

Gosh. OP first I hope you have a lovely day. I too had a Velcro baby and I'm glad you've discovered the phrase high needs cos until I did, I felt so crap as a parent what with comments like previous posters who just didnt "get" what it was like.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you
may have to focus on what you can kinda control. The hair thing has grown to this big problem. I get why totally but lets work out solution s. Theres the cm and your dp. Sort out with one of them. Even just for an hour yhen take dd back and dress her. Side step the problem and have a calmer day today.

[Flowers] for the bride x

PansOnFire Wed 16-Oct-13 09:57:47

YANBU at all - it's not like you're having a massive bridezilla wedding, it's very low key. I don't think it's UR for you to expect your bridesmaid (aka good friend) to watch your baby whilst you get sorted. Most people struggle to get ready for a normal day with a 6 month old!

I think your friend is being a bit selfish, it might not be her fault that the hairdresser cancelled but to agree to have her hair done on the morning of your wedding was quite stupid. You probably come across as someone who just gets on with it so she probably didn't realise that she'd be needed, or she doesn't realise that a baby doesn't always just slot into your plans. Either way, she's UR and I think the appointment should be rearranged. Surely, if the hairdresser is a mutual friend you could talk to her about it? One of them should see sense! Good luck.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:00:40

Haha oh I've developed a high needs baby!? Oh do fuck off with your ignorant comments. Bully for you and your fucking perfect non-reflux babies.

What a horrible thing to say. Maybe I should ask my health visitor how to deal with judgemental bitches who think I created my own child's health problems with exploding in a fit of rage.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:23:28

Sorry, as I said it's been a terrible year. Probably shouldn't have posted on AIBU if I wasn't prepared for a flaming but I never thought someone would actually accuse me of creating my daughters problems.

To everyone else who wished me luck, Thankyou. I'm glad there's someone else who understands what it's going to be like not having your parents there on your wedding day. I think I may be projecting a lot of my hurt surrounding that onto the day itself. If my mum was around she 'd take care of DD etc. I've coped alone with her as DP cannot afford to take time off work and tbh I think the wedding has really just hit home that I don't have any support.

And the posters who say they wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid because no one tells them what to do blah blah. If they can't give their best friend a couple of hours of her time on her wedding day, I'm sure the problem will never arise wink

Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 10:32:38

No one said you created your child's HEALTH problems! The suggestion is you may have created the need for your baby to be held ALL the time by holding her all the time! - and not getting advice on how to settle her somewhere other than having to be held!

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:42:37

You assumed I haven't got any advice and laid into me on that basis. I have seen health visitors, paediatricians, cranial osteopaths and bawled my eyes out begging for help in the GP's surgery more times that I care to remember.

Maybe you should stop and think next time you feel like kicking an obviously desperate mother when she's already down.

Alwayscheerful Wed 16-Oct-13 10:44:17

I try and avoid dying hair at home due to the mess in the bathroom and on the towels but I can tell you nail varnish remover is good to at removing splashes of hair dye from the toilet seat and tiles.

I try to avoid having a colour on the day of a special event, I would rather have it done a few days in advance and avoid the tell tale signs around the hairline and on the scalp. Recently dyed hair is better after a couple of washes.

It might be a little selfish but YANBU to expect a little help on your wedding day and wanting your friend to help you, she is probably just excited and too young to realise its all about you and your day.

You sound very stressed already, just try and relax and enjoy the day.

GiveItYourBestShot Wed 16-Oct-13 11:00:04

Hi OP, wanted to send you some thanks. Of course your bridesmaid shouldn't be getting her hair dyed in your house on the morning of your wedding! I'm glad you've been able to talk about it with her and reach a compromise. FWIW, my dad rocked up late on the morning of my wedding because he'd been consoling my brother, his girlfriend had dumped him and he'd decided to bring a random stranger to my wedding instead. But I didn't care because my bridesmaids and I were having a laugh (and some booze). It needs to be as stress-free as possible. I hope you have the day you want.

therewearethen Wed 16-Oct-13 11:02:34

DD2 is a bit of a Velcro baby, I give her a bottle on my lap whilst attempting to shove some make up on every morning and it's hard work when she's grabbing everything. Doing this on my wedding day would stress me out completely!

Can you say roughly where you live, maybe a viper is free to help out? wink

choceyes Wed 16-Oct-13 11:06:57

OFcourse YANBU.
I had a velcro baby and she didn't even have any health problems. She simply didn't want to be put down - so sling it was. So what? I hate when people say that you CREATE the need for baby to be held all the time - so what? They are babies, they are so young that's what they need! What's the other option, let them CIO? That would have stressed me out even more! My frist DC was totally happy to be put down anywhere. Presumably I parented both of them the same, not all babies are the same.
Hope you have a lovely wedding day OP.

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 11:14:27

"it seems like you have created what you call a 'high needs baby' The baby should be able to sit in a bouncy chair or even have a nap"

Attitudes like this make me really sad

My first was like this and it was so lonely and depressing. I remember getting a motorised swing when she was about 8 weeks and being able to eat a meal with 2 hands for the first time in two months.

Some babies are just like this - and OP, they DO grow out of it, I promise.

But why would you kick someone who is already suffering with smug comments like that?

Do you know what? It was a bloody struggle with my first but I held her as much as she wanted and never left her to cry and she's a happy, well adjusted five year old now.

I treated her sister exactly the same, and she just happened to be one of those babies who did sit happily in a bouncy hair or nod off on a playmat - I did not 'create' anything in either of them.

Your bridesmaid is BU, OP, as is the friend who suggested crowbarring the appt in on the morning of your wedding.

Good friend's have a bit of respect for important moments in their friend's lives and do what they can to help. You only need a couple of hours from her, it's not too much to ask.

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 11:14:50

(arrh! please forgive the rogue apostrophe in good friend's!) blush

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