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Husband sending photo to PIL

(81 Posts)
DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 01:11:24

I've lurked for ages on this site but never actually posted, however I now really need to know if iabu as I am so pissed off I cannot decide whether my husband really is an insensitive dick or if I am being totally over sensitive.

We are going to a family wedding later in the month, I was really worried about finding something to wear but was quite excited to find something the other day really quickly. My sister lives in a different part of the country and is also attending the wedding, she asked me to send a picture of me in the dress, so I duly get my husband to take various shots of me in said dress on the ipad. When I see the pictures I hate them. I am very critical of myself anyway and hate photos of myself so I should have known I wouldn't like them, but in the changing room I thought I looked ok in it. I said that I hated the photos, that I thought I looked huge round the middle and went on about how depressing I found it looking at the photo especially as I liked the dress when I tried it on. Anyway I told my sister I wouldn't be sending the photos as I hated the way I looked, she said she was sure I looked great, blah, blah, blah. So to clarify my husband was well aware of how I felt about the photo. I realise at this point that I should have deleted them but I didn't.

Fast forward to tonight and I happen to be going through my mail outbox and what do I find but an e-mail to his parents of ME IN THE DRESS! He wan sitting next to me at the time, when I asked why he had done it he didn't even have the grace to admit he'd done it. When he ( sort) of admitted he had and I told him how upset I was about it (added to the fact I do not get on with his Mum and Dad) he did not even apologise, he just tried to make out that I was making a huge fuss.

Now I know people will probably flame me and tell me to get a grip, that there are real problems in the world, but I am so upset by it, I just can't believe he could be so insensitive. Actually I can believe it and that is probably the problem. Is it just me or would you have been upset too? To know how strongly I felt about it, to know I don't get on with his parents and to then forward it to them! I suppose it just makes me question my relationship with him if he thinks it is ok to do this and doesn't even see the need to apologise ! Bearing in mind we've been together 21 years, aibu to have expected more or have I blown this up into something ridiculous?

pinkballetflats Thu 17-Oct-13 14:06:26

How very odd - no explanation whatever as to why he did it? And yes, he had no right to send it to anyone - it's a picture of you, and just you, and whether you like it or not is not the issue. Whether he thought you looked good in it isn't the issue. This issue is that he didn't respect your feelings - which is a substantial issue. He may not have meant it but he was insensitive and then doubly so to not hear you and project his own ideals onto you.

Can I just say though that since the photo was taken with an iPad it's likely that it's not a true "real-eye" representation to how you look to others and you likely look far slimmer than you think you look in the photo.

Hope the talk goes well.

fabergeegg Thu 17-Oct-13 13:59:01

He might have done it because he's proud of you and wanted his folks to see you looking (as he may have thought) at your best. I agree it was insensitive, immature and somewhat dishonest. But at the same time, there could have been some nicer feelings in there too. Otherwise, I can't see why he would have bothered. Does he feel the need to seek his parents' approval? Or does he want to give them positive information about you because he wants you to get on better with them? Someone who hasn't detached from his parents might well be too immature to realise he was offending you. But that's idle speculation...

My mum is too vain to ever think there' a good photo of herself. We tried not to have any she didn't like but it was impossible and in the end I felt that the feelings of the people who love her should also be factored into the decision about whether or not to have photographs about. That's not to suggest your husband was right to do what he did, though.

JackNoneReacher Thu 17-Oct-13 12:09:18

That was mean of him.

But what really confuses me is how it sounds like he lied about sending the email but then admitted it. (Bit like a 4 year old). So now I don't understand why he sent it, why he lied or why you didn't ask him why he sent it (or lied about sending it).

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Oct-13 12:04:19

Depends on whether or not you see your ILs who you don't get on with as your family, doesn't it though, spindly. Assuming you had ILs who you didn't get on with, that is.

spindlyspindler Thu 17-Oct-13 11:56:33

I'm really sensitive about photos of myself, and I would be irritated if my OH did this, but I can honestly say that one member of my family sending another member of my family a photo of me, fully clothed and uncontroversial, that I considered to be unflattering and would not have wanted people to see, would not cause me to seriously "question my relationship" with either of them.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Thu 17-Oct-13 11:25:49

feckless I like your style!

Until we discover why he emailed the photo, this is the Thread of Frustration.

Did he think 'I want to retch looking at his frock, controlled experiment time, let's see if my folks hurl when they look at it too'?

I imagine after 20 years, OP, only you know if he is capable of that level of cruelty.

Perhaps, in the kindest way, you could spend some time and effort on your own self-esteem, image, wardrobe, exercise plan, whatever it takes to get you to a place where you feel proud to see photos of yourself, and if your OH emails them to anyone you automatically know its because he wants everyone to see his gorgeous wife.

Fecklessdizzy Thu 17-Oct-13 09:50:12

Does he know they don't get on?

Seems like a mad question but I don't like my MIL. She's petty, racist, snide and could hold a grudge for the rest of eternity. I've never gone into details with DP as she's his mum and he doesn't need to know, whereas I don't mind telling you lot as you don't know me from Adam and might well all be imaginary anyway ...

madoldbird Thu 17-Oct-13 09:48:34

I'm guessing there is more thsn meets the eye here, unless he often sends photos of you, him and the DCs to his parents.

If he doesn't commonly email photos to them, then it's been done for a reason. If he's done it to wind you up then there's huge issues in your marriage. However you say you are very critical of your appearance, and that you looked huge round the middle. May I ask what size / weight you are? Do you need / want to lose weight? If so he needs to support you in this and understand why this would make you sensitive about your appearance.

It may also be that your appearance hasn't changed, but your perception of it has. If this is the case, he may be worried about you, and seeking guidance from his parents.

It is not about the photo per se, but there will have been a reason for him doing what he did. Whatever it was, you two need to talk asap.

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Oct-13 09:31:23

I'm guessing the biggest point is WHY send the photo to people who don't get on with the OP ? They're hardly likely to go "oh that's a nice photo, isn't it" - they don't like her. WHY send them a picture of her, especially one that she hates? Can't see any benign intent there, frankly.

Fecklessdizzy Thu 17-Oct-13 09:26:39

Um ... Sort of on the fence here.

I can totally get where the OP is coming from as I hate myself in photos and feel quite depressed that that's how I look to the world.

But the thing is, DP doesn't get it at all ... He put a photo of me at Tintagel up as a screen saver - I said AAAARGH! He said I looked like Guinevere, I said only if she was short and fat with experimental hair and wearing her son's T-shirt due to a mustard-related incedent earlier in the proceedings grin. So the poor sod took it off and replaced it with one of the DSs looking adorable in a school play - they said AAARGH! - at which point he gave up and ditched us all in favour of the Horsehead nebula, which has yet to object.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, if you don't have self-image issues it's hard to see what all the fuss is about!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Thu 17-Oct-13 09:13:00

Yes, he should have respected your wishes and maintained confidentiality because the freedom to show your vulnerable side to your partner and not fear that being exposed is important to build trust but this is definitley something you should just try to put behind you and forget.

It was a posed photo not a coincidental one. You had a nice, new outfit on not your pjs or casual gear. It was just to his parents, not to a newspaper. If every misdemeanor in marriGe was inflated to this degree we'd never get anywhere in life.

Hawkmoth Thu 17-Oct-13 08:50:47

What does he normally send to his parents?

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 08:45:36

I'm with pottering not sure I really understand the angst tbh.

mynameismskane Thu 17-Oct-13 07:22:02

Op, some people just love to pounce and attack on these boards, which is why they like to say you are overreacting without looking at, or even thinking about the bigger picture.

Has your dh said WHY he did this? Yanbu in how you feel at all.

eggsandwich Wed 16-Oct-13 22:25:37

Bath, yes she posed for the photo which she was going to send to her sister not her inlaws, but when she saw them she didn't want them sent to her sister as she wasn't happy with how she looked in the photo's, so my point is why would her dh send them to his parents when he knew how uncomfortable she was with how she looked in them, and quite frankly they were not his pictures to distribute to who ever he felt like.

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Wed 16-Oct-13 22:07:36

willingly posed for a photo that was only meant to be seen by one person and then she decided that one person couldn't see it either.

so in other words not a photo that was meant to be seen by others.

Bathtimesoaker Wed 16-Oct-13 20:16:30

Egg There's a big difference between sending a photo of a naked person who's just got out of the shower ans a person who has willingly posed for photographs in a new outfit, but simply doesn't like the photo.

eggsandwich Wed 16-Oct-13 19:04:02

Next time he comes out the shower, take a photo and e-mail his parents see how he feels, stupid twat!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 16-Oct-13 17:52:50

Yanbu I'd be pretty pissed off too (have a complex about I look in photos) and I'd keep badgering him till he told me why he sent it. There might be a sensible explanation for it but I'm confused as to why inlaws would want a picture of you at all let alone one you despise. No offence meant.

My DP once uploaded some photos of minutes/hours old DD to his parents digital photo frame thingy. One of them featured a very unflattering nearly naked me trying (and failing) to BF her. I mean it was horrendous. He said he included it coz it was beautiful (it fucking wasn't! I looked drunk). Point is he didn't do it out of nastiness but thoughtlessness.

ScaryFucker Wed 16-Oct-13 17:27:54

To be

ScaryFucker Wed 16-Oct-13 17:27:10

Perhaps Dave is Op's idiotic husband, who knows ?

Seems strange though because that poster doesn't appear to a very angry little poppet on other threads I have seen confused

Bathtimesoaker Wed 16-Oct-13 16:43:23

Danny, I do understand where you are coming from. I've recently had my wedding photos back and I hate what I look like in them, a double chin has appeared from nowhere, my hair is as flat as a pancake and my beautiful wedding dress made me look wide. I hate that on the day I was supposed to look lovely I look more like a drowned rat, so i do understand where you are coming from. I didn't want to show anyone our official photos but my DH sent them to my DM and PIL. I chose to see it as a compliment because he thinks I look amazing even though I don't and I very much hope it's the same with your DH. I'm sorry if I upset you but you haven't explained a back story so in light of just this situation I did think you were unreasonable. For the wedding, do you have enough time to find something else to wear? I hope you find something that makes you feel lovely and that you can make it up with your dh.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Oct-13 08:49:19

Whodafuck is Dave? As in, where'd that post come from, and why? thlconfused

ScaryFucker Wed 16-Oct-13 08:13:58

D'ya know what, Dave, I don't think I will grin

DavesDadsDogDiedDiabolically Wed 16-Oct-13 07:54:32

Oh Do Fuck Off Scary.

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