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AIBU?

To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

139 replies

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:16

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

OP posts:

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TheOneAndOnlyAlpha · 13/10/2013 14:18

Hmm. First instinct is to say poor guy. The pressure he's under from you can't help matters. Be sensitive.

juneau · 13/10/2013 14:20

Has he ever had this problem before? It sounds like performance anxiety to me, probably brought on by the stress of a year of trying. Is there any way to take the pressure off? Could you try and let him initiate sex i.e. put your fertile 'window' on the calendar, or something? I can only imagine the pressure you both feel under at this point, and it's really not sexy.

TidyDancer · 13/10/2013 14:20

You have my sympathy but honestly, putting him under such pressure will not be helping.

juneau · 13/10/2013 14:22

P.S. 'Angry' isn't sexy either. Is taking a break for a month or two to let things calm down an option? If you're 40+ I'm guessing you'll shout 'NO!', but otherwise it might be a good idea.

Diamondsareagirls · 13/10/2013 14:23

Oh, OP you need to take a step back and really think about what this must be doing for your relationship. I know it must be so frustrating but taking this approach will damage things with your DH. I really think you need to take a little break from trying and take the time to connect properly as a couple and talk about the reasons why this is happening.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 13/10/2013 14:23

I am not sure I would orgasm if I felt under massive pressure to 'perform' either.

It's very stressful for both of you. But still doing some shagging that is just for fun/pleasure, or not necessarily to end in him getting you pregnant is surely still important for your relationship.

anotetofollowso · 13/10/2013 14:23

I identify with your desperation and disappointment. So I really don't mean this to be judgemental or harsh. Try to remember that he wants a 2nd child too, and that he wants to please you. If you can treat this as a mutual problem rather than something he is doing to you then it might help. Is there any way to have a few glasses of wine and talk about why he thinks this is happening ?

Very best of luck OP. This is so hard.

Fuzzysnout · 13/10/2013 14:24

So sorry you're going through this. Take care of each other though. No doubt DH is not doing it on purpose and your understandable anger and frustration will only make it worse not better. Upsetting each other in the bedroom will not resolve anything.

Ultimately you may have to persuade him back to the doctor, but give each other some time. Being seen purely as a baby making machine is no more sexy for a man than a woman and is not going to allow him to perform.

Could you, would you be able to orgasm for someone who was angry and frustrated with you?

It's so hard but think about having a little break and rebuild your relationship first otherwise it will all be for nothing.

Take care and be kind to both of you.

DropYourSword · 13/10/2013 14:24

I can sympathise with how desperately you want to conceive, but your DH is not some sort of performing seal! Maybe you're putting too much pressure on him.

Hissy · 13/10/2013 14:24

Bloody he'll woman! How would you like it if your H was on here bitching about your 'failure' to do your part?

This is so wrong, on every level! Wake up and see this please?

Back off the whole thing a bit, chill out and if it happens, It happens.

MyNameIsWinkly · 13/10/2013 14:26

Bloody hell, telling the OP its her fault for putting him under pressure is really unfair! There's a very small fertile window, and you can only have something like 6 cycles of clomid EVER. So there is a certain degree of "now or never" which comes from the facts of the situation NOT the op.

OP it is shit that he won't see the GP and for that, I don't blame you for being angry. Alas anger will be counter productive. Keep talking and talking some more.

MissMarplesBloomers · 13/10/2013 14:26

Why not fool around a bit , let him ejacualte for pleasure wherever he wants then have a nice cuddle and DTD after a bit when he's recovered.

Performance anxiety can really ruin it for a man, don't presume its a voluntary thing.

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:27

He told me he doesn't want to know when I'm fertile as this makes him over think things so wants me to initiate sex. Our fertility consultant has told us we should have sex every other day from CD 10 to CD 20.

I know he feels under pressure but I'm the one who has had to go through the testing, the physical pain of MCing, the constant questioning from HIS mother about why I'm not pregnant (he's got the high sperm count, I'm the one with the problems).

I know I'm coming across as a heartless cow but after a horrendous year I thought the drugs would be our solution & this is yet another barrier to deal with.

OP posts:

AllThatGlistens · 13/10/2013 14:27

Bloody hell that's a huge amount of pressure to be putting on him!

lemonstartree · 13/10/2013 14:29

'Angry' ? I wouldn't be bale to orgasm either if I expected my partner to be ANGRY with me if I could not.

Get a grip. honestly. do you want a child or HIS child? a child at any cost? Imagine if the tables were turned?

TheRobberBride · 13/10/2013 14:29

Really, OP YABVVU for being so angry at him over this. It sounds like he is suffering from performance anxiety. He deserves sympathy and understanding not vitriol. Could you orgasm under such pressure? I know I couldn't.

I'm truly sorry for your miscarriage and I understand how frustrated you must be by the situation. But you really really need to back off.

DontCallMeDaughter · 13/10/2013 14:31

OP, we are in the same boat. It's called delayed ejaculation and it's basically the opposite of premature ejaculation only rarer and harder to treat.

PM me if you'd like more info, I don't want to be posting intimate details here. But suffice to say we've had all of the rows and I know how you feel. We've found a way around it to avoid the awful emotions but it's not pretty

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:31

In addition to what I said earlier we've only been given 4 rounds of clomid. I'm now on round 2 which means I've only got 2 left.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 13/10/2013 14:34

You poor thing. It must be really difficult but please just take the pressure off. Maybe even take a month or two off ttc get back on track and start again. Could you actually start again and not tell him? Then the mental block wont happen.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 13/10/2013 14:35

You are being extremely unfair on him. My DH has the same problems and I'm carrying DC#2. We have also both had fertility issues.

My DH can't perform to cue either. We used artificial insemination to concieve both children. He would do his thing on his own into a softcup, (bit like a mooncup) and I would put it in. He found it really took the pressure off him.

You need to calm down and talk to him. If your not careful you may lose him over this.

DontCallMeDaughter · 13/10/2013 14:36

And just for all the people who think OP is being unfair... Don't judge unless you've walked in her shoes... It's a fucking nightmare, damaging to the self esteem when DH can't ejaculate and really upsetting when you're ttc. It's emotional agony every month for both people involved....

lizzzyyliveson · 13/10/2013 14:36

Not sure if you can get this on the NHS but you can ask a private clinic to arrange for artificial insemination of husband's sperm. It will be discrete and sympathetically handled. Your husband can do the deed without telling you which day he did it. All you need to do then is get to the clinic on the day and they will inseminate.

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Bowlersarm · 13/10/2013 14:37

Poor you OP. But poor DH as well. Clearly he's not coping well with the pressure, and 'pressure' is coming over loud and clear from your posts. Be kind to both of you. I doubt he isn't ejaculating on purpose.

Bowlersarm · 13/10/2013 14:38

Sorry, that sounds insensitive, I didn't mean it to be.

MistressIggi · 13/10/2013 14:39

Have the people rounding on the OP read the sentence "he won't go to the GP"?
Why won't he go? Too embarrassing? Ahhh. Bet the OP found it fairly embarrassing to go through all the investigations she'll have had to get to this point.
No of course being angry with him won't help, but does she have the right to feel miserable and frustrated? Of course she does.
Can he ejaculate by himself? Maybe he could do that to relax a bit, or even as a way of obtaining the sperm I suppose, though no idea how easy it is to insert

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