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about DH staying away for (part of) DD's birthday

(60 Posts)
OrangeSunset Sun 13-Oct-13 07:28:35

DD's birthday is in a few weeks. DH has been invited to a sporting event the day before, and it transpires they are planning to stay over in the city where the event takes place.

DH is rubbish with dates, and when it was booked, didn't realise that DD's birthday was the next day. When I reminded him last night, he got a bit uppity and said his mate will be driving there and back, so they will be back the next morning (ie. the morning of DD's birthday).

AIBU to be annoyed by this? The city is only 1 hour away, and so it's entirely possible for him to get the train back after the event to enable him to be here in the morning.

If he stays and waits for a lift, its likely to be hours before they get back. I would feel a bit bad for DD having to explain why DH isn't there for her birthday when she wakes up.

To be fair to DH, it was only last night that he realised the clash...hoping that having had some time to think about it he will reconsider..! But still interested in opinion....

PenguindreamsofDraco Sun 13-Oct-13 09:39:44

Given the follow up on long hours, is the real problem that you feel that you, and your daughter, are right down at the bottom of his priority list? For myself, I wouldn't be too concerned about him not being there in the morning (but he explains it to her, not you), but I would be very concerned if I felt that he placed his family right down the pecking order behind anything else he wanted to do.

Chocotrekkie Sun 13-Oct-13 09:50:47

I wouldn't be happy that he doesn't want to spend the day with your dd on her birthday when it would be so easy to do so.

Having to work is totally different to choosing not to come home after a day out to see her excited face when she wakes up.

pixiepotter Sun 13-Oct-13 10:01:54

YABU lots of times kids are at school on their birthdays, or their parents have to work.

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 10:06:59

I wouln't think it's a problem. Just as l

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 10:07:37

Just as l

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 10:09:04

Just as long as my fat fingers don't mess it up he's there for the rest of the day.

Twooter Sun 13-Oct-13 10:12:22

Yanbu. Assuming her birthday is a Sunday, so will be the last birthday for years until it falls on a weekend, I feel he should be there. Lets face it, his mate isn't going to be in a rush to drive back, and if your dh is getting a lift he won't be able to dictate what time they're going to get home.

Rubybrazilianwax Sun 13-Oct-13 10:17:51

It wouldnt annoy me tbh. We would have a birthday tea or whatever wgen dh got home. We've had lots of birthday parties start at 2.30 after school, my dh has often just been home from work for the last bit or has missed the party but has had cake after. Likewise I was in New York for one of ds birthday. Its only a birthday after all

Yabu. Take her out for, or make her, a special breakfast and then meet up with your dh later. I don't see what the problem is.

Mia4 Sun 13-Oct-13 10:25:29

On one side op I think its unreasonable to put so much stock in ensuring parents are there on their child's birthday when they wake up. If he is going to be there mid morning then I think yabu if he will be gone a lot of the day then he I'd bu. If you make it a thing that you both have to be there then you may well find tears hysteria and tantrums when you actually can't.

Would you turn down a wedding invite the day before for a birthday? A work conference? Or work that morning or day? Seeing an old just in town friend? Not to mention sickness. Best to get them used to the possibility though it'snot for you to explain- your eh should have to. Regarding the meltdown when mum or dad isn't there- ite alway q possibility. My sisters went the same ideal as you but both shot themselves in the foot insisting on it because one found she couldn't attend a wedding the day before if she kept it up and one had noro- both times my dns' were distraught.

Mia4 Sun 13-Oct-13 10:28:39

Stupid phone. However op I don't think yabu sounds like this is the last straw in his making you both less of a priority. That's if I'm right from your updates.

If that's the case then yadnu to tell him that and insist he does.prioritize you both a good amount of the time.

Mia4 Sun 13-Oct-13 10:29:46

Even more stupid phone inserting bookmarks!

PresidentServalan Sun 13-Oct-13 12:21:49

YABU - lots of children don't see their father first thing in the morning on their birthday (shift work, non resident parent etc) and he will be coming back in the morning anyway.

BrokenSunglasses Sun 13-Oct-13 12:24:55

I don't see why it has to be an issue if he's going to be back in the morning.

That depends on how reliable the friend is though, and if he'll decide to hang around rather than just getting up and coming home.

If your DH can trust the friend to be coming home early, then it doesn't have to be a big deal.

Floggingmolly Sun 13-Oct-13 12:36:44

Will you be one of those mums who insist on their dh taking a day off work on their kids birthdays? hmm

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 12:37:25

I think it's more of a concern that, when booking, he had no idea that it was the day before his dd's birthday.

However, if he is only an hour away, he can be home by, what 8am? I don't think that would be a problem, she could wait until then to open her presents.

MusicalEndorphins Sun 13-Oct-13 12:37:48

It's only as important to your child as you make it. If he actually did not realize the date of the event was the day before his kids birthday, better to not give her unrealistic expectations. My step dad was at work when we woke up, and only now when I thought about it did I even realize that! We still had birthday breakfast with our mother, and a special dinner and cake later on.
However, I don't see why he can't come home after the event. Regardless of birthdays etc., he has no important reason to stay away overnight does he.
Personally, if it were ME in place of your dh, I would want to be home for my child or partners birthday, and only a very important reason(having to work, someone critically ill) would keep me out the entire night before.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 13-Oct-13 13:08:39

What kind of father doesn't remember his own daughter's birthday?

What would happen if you wanted to go away for the night/next morning? Would there be no one there to celebrate with DD? Why does he think this is appropriate behaviour/parenting?

He seems pretty selfish to me - particularly since the place he's going to is an HOUR away. That's shorter than a lot of people's commutes to work.

Are you left to pick up the 'family occasion' slack often OP?

lborolass Sun 13-Oct-13 13:13:29

It wouldn't bother me at all but then I don't get all the fuss about birthdays anyway so probably not the best person to ask grin

Your DD will only be upset if you make a big fuss about it though, why not just explain that Daddy will be there later in the day and have twice the excitement.

SanityClause Sun 13-Oct-13 13:19:33

I think all you can do is suggest to him that your DD may be upset if he isn't there on the morning, and suggest he gets the train home.

It's up to him to build a relationship with his DD.

Obviously, it does depend on how you "do" birthdays. We have presents in the morning, regardless of what else will happen later in the day, and I don't think any of the family would be happy to miss this, even for another family member's day.

But, if your usual celebrations are different to this, it may well be less important to your DD to have him there for the morning.

curlew Sun 13-Oct-13 13:24:02

Or you could have a special birthday lunch.

Unless you are a fully paid up member of the "precious moments" club?grin

BooCanary Sun 13-Oct-13 13:36:15

it's one of those classic 'different things matter to different people' issues. Everyone has different life experiences, and there's not necessarily a right or wrong.

For example, I would be very upset if DH was back late for my birthday, whereas DH really wouldn't give a shit if I did the same on his birthday.

I would feel the same as you do re. the DCs birthdays, but my DH would just think '<shrug> I'll be back by midday so what's the problem?'

When my DH was a child, his family used to open Xmas presents in the afternoon once everyone had had their lunch and a nap/walk, and then they'd sit in silence watching telly for the rest of the day. And the 'menfolk' would go to the pub whilst lunch was being prepared!!!

I can't understand that at all. In my family, we would be up at 6am excitedly opening presents, the day would be spent with visitors, games and lots of socialising.

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 13-Oct-13 13:51:13

Birthdays are a very big deal for a five year old. If she was going to be 2 and oblivious, or 12 and old enough to understand why he wouldn't be there - fine, but it will be tough for a five year old.

He should be there, especially if his only excuse is that he will be one whole hour away!

whois Sun 13-Oct-13 13:54:51

I'm usually all for each partner having a life, but if the city really is only 1h away by train then I would rather he came back the night before. No really need to stay over is there.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 13-Oct-13 13:57:01

Nope no issue we often both work on children's birthdays so we have the party on the next most suitable date and have a birthday tea to mark the day itself. No complaints ever from them.

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