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AIBU?

To be pissed off at BIL's and SIL's money issues?

210 replies

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:12

Lets's begin this with the story - this is about DP's Brother and his wife.

DP and I are both low earners (both

OP posts:

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MaidOfStars · 09/10/2013 15:19

YANBU. I agree that you can never know the details of how people are struggling, even if they appear outwardly wealthy. But it seems highly improbably that they aren't aware of your financial circumstances, so moaning about their own is lacking a huge amount of tact.

(I don't really like people moaning about money anyway, simply because you can never "know your audience", no matter how hard you predict).

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:21

Oh, yes you are entirely right - they are more than aware of our circumstances.

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 09/10/2013 15:23

Well then, it's a cat's bum face from me then. Not good form, on their part.

nilbyname · 09/10/2013 15:24

Sorry, but 50k while is a great salary is not one of the highest paid jobs, needs another 0 on there!

Perhaps instead of feeling like it's about you, which their money problems are not, try and sympathise a bit....like you say it's all relative and with 2 mortgages to manage, cars, kids etc, I can see that 50k might not quite stretch. If you think, well sil could go out ans work, but perhaps after Childcare costs and not being able to qualify for any tax benefits, the. It would not be financially any better?

Sorry you are having a hard time, money troubles are the worst!

Ragwort · 09/10/2013 15:25

I have relatives like this, it really annoys me but I just have to bite my lip and keep quiet. I know they earn much more than DH and I because they were saying how hard it is now that they are no longer receiving CB. But at the same time as moaning about how hard up they are they are constantly upgrading their mobile phones/wardrobe/cars etc etc etc.

I have learned to say nothing, there will always be people better and worse off than you - just tell yourself you are the nicer person .

BeCool · 09/10/2013 15:25

their situation re income/expenses isn't that much different from yours though is it? But they are paying a mortgage and you are paying rent?

It's never nice to hear people moan about money, but you seem to be saying that they ABU because you consider them to be so much better off than you are?? And I don't see that they are. Income is a little higher but they have one more child. They run 2 cars - so double the cost of running one. Presumably they no longer get CB but you do. Yes they have a 2nd house but it is possible that doesn't generate an income but covers its own costs.

I thought it was perfectly normal to take wine if you were invited somewhere to dinner?

I don't perceive your BIL/SIL as rich.

kinkyfuckery · 09/10/2013 15:26

I cant imagine 50k stretches far when you have two cars and 2 properties to pay for.

sweetheart · 09/10/2013 15:27

I think you might be being a bit unreasonable. £50k income for a household isn't that much more than your joint income, he will be in a higher tax bracket so his take home pay may not be that much more. You never know what is going on in someone else's life, does he have debts from studying or is he now having to pay to gain qualifications for his job. Having a 2nd home to let doesn't automatically equal loads of money - buy to let mortgages are worked out on the income from the property NOT your individual wealth.

Weeantwee · 09/10/2013 15:27

I've found that family who have a bit more money to spare tend to moan the most. My grandparents did it to my parents (you'll never guess how much that cruise cost?!) and my in laws do it to me and DH. Just shut your ears. Yanbu but there's not a lot you can do to stop them.

Mollydoggerson · 09/10/2013 15:28

SIL needs to get a job or stop moaning ! (said in gest before I am flamed to death).

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:29

He earns £50k at the moment, they're looking at another maybe 18-24 months of that max, before he is looking at earnings closer to £900k.

I made that pretty clear in the OP, didn't I?

They OWN one house (which they rent out) and pay a mortgage on another. And the rent from the rented one more than covers their mortgage payments, they tell us that.

We rent a tiny 2 bedroom flat, and pay over £800 a month for the privilege.

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Mollydoggerson · 09/10/2013 15:30

I'm sure their mortgage is high for the privilege of their house also.

WipsGlitter · 09/10/2013 15:33

Hmmmm, my sister's SIL moans about money all the time, but she severely over-streteched herself on a second property that's now in negative equity, her DH had to pay into a partnership in what he does thing tens and tens and tens of thousands, she's trying to retain a career so they have to pay childcare for two again think £1300 per month!! Letting out a house is maybe only covering a mortgage (I let out the house I bought before I met DP and the rent doesn't even cover the mortgage!!)

My sister is also always going on about economy drives etc and her husband must be on £100k plus. But they just fritter it away willy nilly!!

So, it's really hard to tell from looking at 'thing's people have how much spare cash they actually have.

Depending on where you are £50k is not a lot - I know, I know lots manage on far less.

shewhowines · 09/10/2013 15:33

It's the same when people go on about how fat they are and how they need to lose weight, when the person they are talking to is double their size.

Just not appropriate. YANBU

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:34

I'm confused at the people who are saying they don't earn much more than us - we earn £26k and they earn £50k! It's almost double

Trying not to drip feed so will include more that I didn't realise was important:

They own one home outright. It was not a buy to let mortgage - they bought it, lived in it for 10 years, paid it off in full and now rent it out.

They have a mortgage on their current property

They do still get CB (why would they not?)

They also get tax credits - more than we do actually, which I find odd

He has no debt from studying as PIL funded it entirely (as they did with DP)

It is normal to take wine - we had already bought a bottle and some flowers. Then they called and asked us to provide the alcohol for the evening, for everyone. So we went and bought 2 more bottles, and some beers.

OP posts:

SodsLawRules · 09/10/2013 15:35

But op are you not doing the same thing? There maybe a family with two adults both earning under 10k each, have never had a holiday and have nothing left over to save towards their own house. They are probably reading your op thinking how unfair it is that your moaning when they are far more worse off than yourselves and your bil and sil.
Moral- eerybody deserves to moan.
There are children starving all over the world. However If you go for a meal in a resturant and your chicken wasn't cooked properly, would you not say anything because of it?

TheFabulousIdiot · 09/10/2013 15:36

why are you letting it worry you so much though?
Perhaps you just need to do a bit of one-up-manship about how you are considerably poorer than they are.

WipsGlitter · 09/10/2013 15:36

What job goes from £50k to £900k in two years!! I want it!!

SodsLawRules · 09/10/2013 15:36

But op are you not doing the same thing? There maybe a family with two adults both earning under 10k each, have never had a holiday and have nothing left over to save towards their own house. They are probably reading your op thinking how unfair it is that your moaning when they are far more worse off than yourselves and your bil and sil.
Moral- eerybody deserves to moan.
There are children starving all over the world. However If you go for a meal in a resturant and your chicken wasn't cooked properly, would you not say anything because of it?

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:37

Also, I think my issue is more that they know they will, in a couple of years, be really well off. And we have nothing like that to look forward to.

So they can be struggling now, as are we, but there is an end in sight for them. We don't have that, and currently we earn half what they do. Our incomes are unlikely to progress at anything other than a regular rate, if we are lucky.

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 09/10/2013 15:37

Yabu. Jealousy is not nice. Their moaning about their problems has nothing to do with your problems. If your friends with them as well as relatives then they probably aren't treading on egg shells to be more formal and feel they can act naturally around you. It's not like they are asking you for loans is it?

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:39

Wips ugh, I know! I can't say because there is a LOT of detail here, and the job is really specialist and I know SIL is on MN so I can't risk it.. sorry!

sods No. I am not complaining about our financial situation. We are considerably poorer than most of our friends, but thats life! We don't complain. But it pisses me off that they do.

OP posts:

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DSM · 09/10/2013 15:39

I am not jealous

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bigkidsdidit · 09/10/2013 15:41

OP your post to be implied you had 35-40 coming in, plus child benefit, which is quite similar to 50 with no cb. You didn't say it was 26k total, that's why people are sayig what they are.

angelinterceptor · 09/10/2013 15:42

I dont think YABU - my DB and DSIL are the same.
They live in a big house which my parents gave them when they built a new one for themselves. My parents pay ALL their other running expenses as they get lumped together.

We live in rented - cannot get a mortgage even though repayments would be less than we currently pay.

They are behaving extremely rudely IMO

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