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WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

(294 Posts)
bonkersLFDT20 Wed 09-Oct-13 11:10:53

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.


LadyBigtoes Wed 09-Oct-13 11:36:56

I have to agree if you went to far as to change your name to his, you can only expect this kind of thing and it's hard to see what the difference is. Your surname is arguably as important a part of your identity as your first initial yet you were happy to see that go.

BUT if it bothers you for whatever reason, it's OK to let the school know how you would like to be addressed. I do politely ask mine to call me Ms myname myname, some of the teachers and the HT seem deeply baffled that I have dared to challenge the patriarchy, but they do try!

PansOnFire Wed 09-Oct-13 11:38:00

They are using the polite and widely accepted format. Nothing to do with the 1950s or taking away your identify - if that's how you feel I'd be questioning why you changed your name in the first place. Most people wouldn't give that a second thought would they ? I like having my husband's initial though so I probably don't understand.

LadyBigtoes Wed 09-Oct-13 11:39:02

Rofl at whims.

There can't be many acts more whimsical than throwing away the name you've had all your life because you're the woman, he's the man and it's traditional.

Kemmo Wed 09-Oct-13 11:41:35


Would really piss me off.

bonkersLFDT20 Wed 09-Oct-13 11:41:48

I have plenty of other things to worry about. Took me about 30 secs to email the school.
I'm not getting worked up about it.

My son is doing very well there.

Yes, I realise the contradiction in my views in the fact I changed my name when I got married. Actually, I sometimes wished I hadn't because I've kept my maiden name professionally and it causes all manner of problems.

curlew Wed 09-Oct-13 11:42:54

Is it a private school? I wouldn't expect that sort of incredibly old fashioned formality from a state school.

But just drop them a note asking them to change the data base. No problem.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 09-Oct-13 11:43:06

I didn't change my name on marrying because I am a feminist, but I think this is less a quaint tradition and less a symbol of patriarchal oppression.

They'd changed it if I asked them, but my children like the look of us under the sake name on lists at parents eve.

However, I retract 'whims.' It was silly and dismissive and I am going to ask for ten of the best next time the Head writes to me.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 09-Oct-13 11:43:55

more a quaint...
Fuck me, time for a lie down with Spare Rib.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 09-Oct-13 11:45:18

In the bigger picture of life this isn't important. Really who has the time to be this picky??

cavell Wed 09-Oct-13 11:48:14


Mr & Mrs R Bonkers is the correct form, where "R" is the husband's initial.

Ladyflip Wed 09-Oct-13 11:51:43

My godmother sends my birthday card addressed to Mrs [Husband's name] Flip.

The cheque inside goes in my account though.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 09-Oct-13 11:51:49

Mr and mrs R Bonkers may be 'correct' in terms of antiquated etiquette rules but that doesn't mean it's 'correct' morally, socially or culturally in 2013.
I am firmly in the 'keep your own name' camp but I can see a vast difference between mr R bonkers and mrs K bonkers, as opposed to mr and mrs R Bonkers.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 09-Oct-13 11:53:25

Also have to say it wouldn't bother me either.
Somebody said its not the 1950's and they should be more modern, but then went on to say its more likely that the woman would open it anyway. Bit ironic really

MsJupiterJones Wed 09-Oct-13 11:53:47

I thought it had been well established on MN that people are able to have concerns about smaller things and bigger things at the same time? It is so rude to imply that the OP has nothing else to worry about when you have no idea about their life.

It annoys me too OP. I took DH's name for personal reasons (I wasn't 'losing a name I'd had all my life') but I still use Ms and expect to be addressed by my first name or initial. I don't think these things are incompatible in the slightest. I would send a polite note, if it's such a small thing I'm sure the school can rectify it easily.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have changed your name to what is essentially a new family name for the whole family (even if originally your DH's surname) but to still think that people calling you by his first name as well is a step too far
We don't get this from the DC's school but we do occasionally from other sources .... I always notice, especially as it's usually me that's the primary correspondent/ organiser with these organisations.
If they can't give both our initials I'd rather there were none I think.
Or just address it to me !

QueenofKelsingra Wed 09-Oct-13 11:58:05

Mr R Bonkers and Mrs K Bonkers would indicate that they are divorced though.....

and ehric - it is morally, socially and culturally right for me (and actually all my married friends agree) to be addressed traditionally thank you. and last time I checked I was alive and well in 2013.

stay Miss K Notbonkers or become Mrs R Bonkers. You have the choice, don't then complain because you only want bits from one side or the other.

holidaysarenice Wed 09-Oct-13 11:58:07

I'd rather the school could focus of dc's education and not have to faff about sorting this out for you.

Grip given. There are bigger things to be concerned about.

bonkersLFDT20 Wed 09-Oct-13 11:58:45

Thank you jupiter.

"would indicate that they are divorced though" Queen

- I don't think it would in this day and age and as both living at same address. Just a modern etiquette concession to modern day sensibilities and equality ?

HowlerMonkey Wed 09-Oct-13 12:03:27

Fair enough, HangingGarden grin

HowlerMonkey Wed 09-Oct-13 12:05:46

I'm pretty sure the school will keep focusing on DC education whilst simultaneously managing to respect the individual nomentclature choices of all the children's parents.

BurberryQ Wed 09-Oct-13 12:06:13

if you gave up your name to become an addition to your husband, what did you expect?
did you really think the school would address it to to 'Mr R and Mrs C Bonkers?'
Get a grip, get your own name.

HowlerMonkey Wed 09-Oct-13 12:06:13

Nomenclature, dammit.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 12:07:11

Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
out loud.

Am I the only one who thought that would be reason enough for insisting on using Mr R and Mrs. P ..., let alone addressing the feminist ideology behind sharing a surname.

I agree Howler ... or they could do as many schools do and address to the parents/carers of Child'sName.

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