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To be sceptical over DP seeing estranged children?

(83 Posts)
JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 13:24:38

DP hasn't seen his children from first wife for two years, they are just turned 6 and 7. His ex told him to take her to court for contact after a minor disagreement which followed months of her cancelling contact as and when she fancied. He didn't do so, which I think is downright wrong. He got a call from her solicitor on Friday offering that they call him this week and see him at the weekend. So effectively, he's still done nothing to try and see them, his ex has offered them up as she probably needs help with them and he could enter their lives again only to leave if he falls out with his ex again. I'd say it was his choice and keep out of it but I have children to consider too. AIBU to be sceptical about it all?

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:57:09


I dont think you understand his situation at the time.

Some fathers who have had alot of hurt over their first children and have decided to cut contact for everyones sake have gone on to have another child and been a great dad.

Just because he has had to cut contact with his other children, that doesnt mean hes going to be a terrible father to any children you have together.

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 13:57:27

Sorry x-posted with you.

It's a huge sticking point though isn't it? Perhaps he is/has been burying his head, a lot of men do walk away because it just becomes too painful. But he's got an opportunity to build bridges - he should be snapping it up.

Do yo think if he did resume contact and stick to it that would fix it, with how you feel about him for it, I mean?

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 13:59:25

Hes got the opportunity now on his exs say so. Again he has to jump when she says so.

What happens when she changes her mind or he doesnt do as she asks?

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:00:23

Tiger I know he wouldn't be a bad dad to mine. But you shouldn't only be prepared to be a good dad to children whose mother you're in a relationship with IMO. Fenton he will take up the contact but if his ex stops it again, he doesn't have it in him to fight to reinstate it. So it's the children who are hurt again.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:02:03

Tiger - precisely my point. It'll stop again and the children will be hurt. It's all (get it formalised in court) or nothing IMO as his ex has such history of being obstructive.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 14:02:29

Hes got no fight left poor bloke.

Im sure that if your and your dp wasnt in a relationship and you wasnt a nightmare then of course he would keep in contact.

He doesnt see his previous children because things are not nice with his ex, not because hes not in a relationship with her

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 14:03:32

I wonder if there's any way he can get on better terms with the ex, so that she plays nice this time? Have they ever tried any kind of mediation to settle on a contact agreement?

He sounds like he's a bit frightened of her.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:04:04

But tiger that isn't being a parent, let alone a good one. You put your own feelings aside and fight for your children if the need arises.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 14:04:06

Just because you have a court order, that doesnt mean the contact is set in stone.

The ex could still stop contact and then you have to go back to court again and again spending more money, time and again stress and hurt for everyone

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:05:45

He isn't frightened of her! They're always going to disagree because she wants him to have them 50/50, his job doesn't allow that and he wants to see them once a month and extra in holidays.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:06:11

He has the money Tiger.

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 14:09:29

Okay frightened of what she'll do then.

and once a month? That's a rather poor offering of his time.

He's not sounding any better as this thread goes on.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 14:14:53

I think you have come on here for people to clarify your judgement on him.

You dont need clarification, if you dont agree with a decision he has made on a massive part of his like and you feel its changed the way you see him then i dont understand why you are with him.

In your op, you mention you are pregnant but he does not yet know. What are your plans for this pregnancy?

And if you dont feel he would be a good father due to his former actions, then why have you allowed this pregnancy to happen?

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:15:57

What can be worse than stopping him seeing the kids? Sorry to sound confrontational, I just feel fed up of everyone excusing him. He's a grown man, these are his children, he is the only father they have - he needs to step up.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 14:17:34

But he isnt going to op

He needs a partner whos going to be supportive of his decision.

You are never going to be supportive of him. Therefore the relationship isnt going to work as resentment will form.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:19:57

I don't care about what he needs, I care about what the children need

AmberLeaf Mon 07-Oct-13 14:20:35

He needs a partner whos going to be supportive of his decision

Supportive of his decision not to bother with his children? or at best see them once a month?

Yeah I think I'd judge that too tbh.

lunar1 Mon 07-Oct-13 14:23:04

Why on earth are people excusing him? I would walk through fire to see my boys.

I think once someone abandons their first children they should be bloody sterilised, and not continue to procreate. It's not something where you can just keep on trying till you have the children you want to keep fgs.

Seems there are a lot of nightmare ex's on mn

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 14:26:43

I said 'frightened of what she'll do' meaning pissing about with contact again.

This was before I realised she wants him to have them more and he only wants once a month.

I haven't defended him at all - what he's been doing is inexcusable.

I think a very small minority of posters may have sympathised with him.

JeremySmile Mon 07-Oct-13 14:26:50

Thank you, lunar1! Sense at last.

It's all very well him graciously accepting this offer of contact, it's my children who will be hated and resented for keeping their daddy from them which is what his ex tells them. It's my children who will be pushed aside by him as he focuses on them. I'm not saying he shouldn't focus on them, I'm saying he shouldn't have stopped focussing in the first place then we wouldn't be in this situation

Fenton Mon 07-Oct-13 14:31:54

You seem to be tying yourself up in knots there OP grin

I think LTB in this case, and I don't usually say that.

Step-parenting and being with a NRP is very erm, challenging, - he doesn't sound like he's equipped to take it and your relationship doesn't appear strong enough to take it.

I think I would bail out now.

Gingersstuff Mon 07-Oct-13 14:35:42

He only wants to see his kids once a month??! Yet he wants more with you hmm
I think you should leave.
And with all due respect, your partner sounds like the kind of knobend who needs marching to the hospital so that he can't reproduce any more.

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 14:43:14

But he has produced more.

The op is pregnant by him

froken Mon 07-Oct-13 14:45:22

What a mess!

Ya-all-bu why won't he have them 50/50? He is their father, he shouldn't just be able to opt out of half the responsibility for his children just because his job doesn't fit in with being a parent, he should change jobs.

You are being unreasonable worrying about your children being resented when the much larger issue is your dp's children who havn't seen him for years. Could you take your dc away for the day whilst your dp gets to spend time with his dc alone?

Poor children sad

PeppiNephrine Mon 07-Oct-13 14:46:34

How can you think of having a child with a man who so casually tossed aside his children?
You should have more respect for yourself.

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