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AIBU to have turned my friend down

(33 Posts)
Bathsheba Sun 06-Oct-13 21:15:10

I guess I'm feeling guilty and that I've been a bit crap to my best friend...

Loads of background - I have 3 dds - aged 9, 7 and 3. dd1 and 2 are at school all day. Dd3 is at preschool for 2.5 hours each morning. 2 mornings a week I work at the school while Dd3 is in preschool (voluntary working). Another day I go to a mums group in this time slot.

So out of dd3's 5 sessions, I'm only really at home for 2 of them. I have a DH - at the moment he is working in the US 50% of the time and when he is here he works long hours. At the moment he us away and I'll admit some days I am struggling. Just with the constant noise and questions and bickering and fighting....

My best friend is a SAHM with 1 DD at school. I love her absolutely buckets but she keeps wanting me to do things with her in these 2 mornings a week that I have alone. I understand that she doesn't always want yo see me with DD3 in tow but I really really need these 4 hours a week to myself. Tonight she specifically asked me round to hers tomorrow before nursery pick up, rather than after it.... I felt so bad saying that I really need the time dd3 is at nursery to myself.

AIBU to try and keep these 2 morning sessions a week completely to myself or should I be depending time with my friends without Dd3...

bootsycollins Sun 06-Oct-13 21:18:28

Your needs come first, your sanity and well being is at stake, if your friends as lovely as you say she'll understand. Besides, if you prioritise your friends needs over your own you'll only end up resenting her.

Donkeyok Sun 06-Oct-13 21:22:19

At the moment you need this time for your own sanity. Therefor all dc benefit, you and your dear bff and your dh when he returns. You need to listen to your body, or you'll wear yourself out or worse become resentful. Why not plan something for the 2 of you to do another time which is suitable such as a monthly girls night out or something similar.

SeaSickSal Sun 06-Oct-13 21:23:38

I can understand you wanting time alone. But I can also understand your friend feeling hurt you don't want to see her.

Could you not say once every 3 weeks or so meet up with her at these times? Or alternatively meet up in the evening when your DH is home.

As I said I understand the need to be alone, but if you sound like you are taking her friendship for granted a bit

CrapBag Sun 06-Oct-13 21:26:23

I understand that you want this time to yourself, its hard when you don't get much, BUT do you really mean every single session, every single week?

I have an ex friend that never had time to see me, a supposedly close one, I was expected to fit in around her whenever she deemed it fit to see me, I got fed up of waiting tbh. She managed to see other friends regularly so I got fed up.

What I am trying to say (very badly) is that sometimes you do need to make an effort to see friends. You don't have to commit to something regularly, not even every week but surely you can meet her for one of these mornings once in a while?

I often feel like not bothering to see people and I do have to make a conscious effort sometimes (usually when I am depressed), but I always seem to feel better afterwards.

CrapBag Sun 06-Oct-13 21:28:17

"As I said I understand the need to be alone, but if you sound like you are taking her friendship for granted a bit"

Exactly what I was trying to say. This was how I felt with my ex friend. Hence her being an ex friend (that and she is a bit of a knob as well tbh). But I did feel very taken for granted that I would be there whenever she had time in her schedule for me, which wasn't often.

Doubtfuldaphne Sun 06-Oct-13 21:29:11

I get three hours a week to myself. I look forward to it all week and no one is allowed to take my precious three hours away from me! Yanbu!
I'm sure she would understand!

tolittletoolate Sun 06-Oct-13 21:30:41

she's probably as lonely as anything and would love to catch up with her friend.
I had a very good friend that I saw lots of until she got a job and I literally didn't see her at all.

minkersmum Sun 06-Oct-13 21:33:17

I too completely understand the need for this short period of solitude. The first morning when dh goes away to work (he works away 3 days a week) and dcs are out the door to school I like to just chill. Enjoy some piece and quiet and gather my thoughts.....or go on mn or watch crap tv grin

LouiseAderyn Sun 06-Oct-13 21:35:54

I think you should see your friend or she is going to get fed up of never having her needs within the relationship considered.

I do think that you need more time to yourself, so would be inclined to reduce the volunteering or other activities for a while and use one of those extra days to have time alone.

mumofweeboys Sun 06-Oct-13 21:42:06

Same sort of situation but I'm the opposite, I love to use the alone morning to catch up with my friends without the kids causing chaos.

Bingdweller Sun 06-Oct-13 21:49:46

YANBU - I could have written your post myself! I have got round a similar issue by arranging absolutely nothing for one of the days and using the other day for shopping, coffee or meeting up with friends. My DD is in nursery 12-3pm so this works for me.

bettykt Sun 06-Oct-13 21:52:07

Meeting up with her once or twice a month should be okay, otherwise when will you ever see her? Time to yourself is sacred but it's also nice to spend time with friends too, it can be a great tonic.

Bathsheba Sun 06-Oct-13 21:56:50

Sorry I should have said that it's not the only time we ever see each other - we see each other generally 3 or 4 times a week but always with a combination of children. When my DH us home we often head out for coffee in the evening or for wine...

She is wonderful and I adore her but I am shattered and completely "children-ed"'s been a particularly tough day child wise....

CoffeeTea103 Sun 06-Oct-13 22:00:14

Yanbu, off course you shouldn't feel bad. She has only one child and probably can't comprehend what you go through especially when your DH is away. Maybe once or twice a month is ok, not every time you have some free time without the kids.

Bathsheba Sun 06-Oct-13 22:01:47

I will see her tomorrow - I have a whole pile of stuff to take round to her house...its just I really planned to take it after I picked DD3 up from nursery, rather than before..

nennypops Sun 06-Oct-13 22:04:34

Surely something like one morning a month wouldn't eat into your time too much? Or perhaps you could cut down on the amount of voluntary work you do at the school?

CrapBag Sun 06-Oct-13 22:05:17

I don't like always meeting my friends with the children around though. You just cannot have a proper conversation, particularly with the one who constantly leaves you to go and play with her children, after she has invited you over, it infuriates me and leaves me sitting these like a total lemon.

CrapBag Sun 06-Oct-13 22:06:25

Plus if her child is at school, she may not want to always meet when you have your youngest with you. Its probably fair that she may not want a child around when hers isn't there.

SaucyJack Sun 06-Oct-13 22:07:20

YANBU. Four measly hours a week to yourself is nothing.

SoleSource Sun 06-Oct-13 23:16:02

YANBU but you could try and see her at night, invite her and her DD over.

Loopylala7 Sun 06-Oct-13 23:43:29

YANBU, I feel like this a lot. I have one day a week where DC is in nursery, then I'm either in work or being mum, so love to use my one day to sort out my washing/hoovering/food shop etc etc. I have a lovely close friend who seems to think this is a good day for us to meet. She is a SAHM, and whilst I'd love to, if I don't get on top of my housework on this day, I feel completely behind. Irritates me that she cannot see this. Can you suggest a better time slot? I've just started refusing and saying I can only meet when DH is home in the evening with DC.

MistressIggi Sun 06-Oct-13 23:47:14

With your dh being away, I wouldn't volunteer so much. Then your time wouldn't be so pushed. I'm sure they're very glad of a volunteer but really think of the space it would open in your week, even if you still did one morning.

exexpat Sun 06-Oct-13 23:51:35

Does she realise that you only get 4 daytime hours a week to yourself with no children? And that when your DH is away that is your only child-free time at all? If so, I think she is being unreasonable to demand you spend a large chunk of it with her, when she (by the sound of it) has school hours five days a week to use as she wants. And if you regularly see her in the evenings when your DH is at home, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me to only meet her in the daytimes if you have DC3 with you.

When I was a newly single (widowed) parent, for a while the only time I ever got to myself was the few precious mornings when DD (4) was at nursery - they were gold dust to me.

jessieagain Mon 07-Oct-13 00:00:27

I would stop the voluntary work if I was you. Then you would have 2 extra mornings for yourself.

I like to see my friends child-free, much easier to have a chat.

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