To not allow ds2 the Hello Kitty wellies he wants?

[lecce]

He is 4. Took him to Asda today for the sole purpose of buying wellies. Recently, he has begun running around in shops, hiding, lying on the floor and singing loudly. He was warned before we went in that if he did this, I would buy a plain pair of wellies and not let him choose.

It began well and he chose Hello Kitty wellies. As it turned out, there were no others that fitted him anyway. He loves HK. On the way to the till he bolted and I ended up having to chase him around like an idiot. I caught him, put the wellies back and walked out. He screamed for about 20 minutes then we got on with our day.

Later, we had to go to another shop to pick up a few items for tea. We discussed expectations before we went in and I told him that if he was good I would try and get him the HK wellies myself during the week. He began well but bolted while I was paying, causing me to run after him while people were waiting behind me.

Now I don't know what to do. He needs new wellies but it doesn't feel right to get him these after his behaviour. On the other hand, I like 'punishments' to be natural consequences and, though it was a natural consequence that he couldn't have the wellies today as I was too angry to stay in the shop, it doesn't follow that he can't ever have them. This behaviour is new. He has been walking since he was one, no buggy since 2.5 and never had reins, so that is why I am a bit taken aback by it and hoping it will not continue (ds1 has never done it in his life). It seems a bit mean to force him to be stuck with, in his words, 'boring wellies' if he stops the behaviour now, but I would feel a pushover walking in with them tomorrow. Rain is forecast later in the week and, tbh, I can't really justify spending £10 now and then replacing them as we are on a bit of a budget atm.

Should he get the HK wellies he so desires?

[hiddenhome]

Yes, everyone needs a bit of Hello Kitty in their life

Get him to do a few small tasks around the house for you then present him with the wellies.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

Maybe he can have the HK wellies but he has a harness/ little life back pack on when you are out as you can not trust him.

PS I know that your ds1 didn't do it and no doubt you have parented them pretty much the same, but ime number 2 comes along and challenges all boundaries! (well certainly in our case!) You may need to adjust what you are prepared to do to keep each child safe.

[amistillsexy]

If you get him plain, 'boring' willies, will he wear them? I think you did the right thing not getting them today, but to say he's only getting plain willies will, I fear, create a rod for your own back, when he refuses to wear them.

My 'natural consequence' for bad behaviour in the supermarket is more practice in supermarket shopping. I would start off with a trip tomorrow to get one thing, then out, and lots of praise if he behaves. Then the next day, get two things, and so on. Build up the time spent every day until you are satisfied he's behaving as you want him to for a reasonable length of time, then reward him with the HK willies.

If he's not behaving by the time it rains, get him some cheap black PE pumps to wear in the rain and point out that his feet are getting wet because he has no willies, because he chose not to behave in the shop. It will only serve to speed up his decision to behave!

By the way, many people find supermarkets overpowering due to the overload of sensory stimulation. Two of my three boys AND my DH are dreadful in the supermarket. DH doesn't run around screaming or do knee skids in the aisles, like the boys, but he does go into a total dream world and is impossible to communicate with after about ten minutes of shopping. Is it possible that your DS is overwhelmed by it all? If so, little and often is the way to build up his resilience, so you always do home 'on a high'.

[YouTheCat]

Get him boring, functional wellies. He's old enough to not run around a shop especially if he already knew HK wellies were at stake. You have got to follow through or there was no point in saying it.

[BillyBanter]

on the one hand no one actually 'needs' fancy wellies. No child died because their wellies were a bit dull.

On the other hand they are probably awesome so I agree with hidden about finding something he can do that makes it ok for you to get the wellies.

On the other other hand HK wellies on boys is a making a stand for feminism or gender equality or something so I doubly approve of getting him HK wellies.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

We had a Hello Kitty welly meltdown today with DD. The ones in Debenhams had glitter on and she wanted ones with frigging dots on .
They should be banned! You did the right thing.

[CoffeeTea103]

Get him the plain wellies. He is 4 and old enough to understand how to behave. You need to follow through.

[CreatureRetorts]

I think you're setting yourself up for trouble later down the line - its not a natural consequence that he doesn't have the wellies - it's a consequence that you've chosen.
Try more positive approaches - tell him what he should do, praise him for what exactly he does wel instead of bribery.

When I take ds shopping, I try and give him tasks - eg help me find the eggs/ potatoes etc. I also keep it short as 4 year olds and shopping don't mix!

[MissStrawberry]

Start again. Talk to him about what wellies he would like. Does he want them enough to behave - explain exactly what you expect - or would he rather have the plain ones but he still can't run off and get lost.

I bought MM ones for DS2. Paid more for wellies than I needed too but he was small and they brought him so much pleasure I thought why the hell not.

[kiriwawa]

I'd do what hiddenhome/Doris suggest and buy him the wellies.

For a number of reasons:
a) making him have a hated pair of wellies for at least six months is a draconian punishment for a few hours (at most) of bad behaviour;
b) a child that age does not understand (and nor are they able to take responsibility for) how short term actions can lead to long term consequences; and/or
c) there may well be some issues behind his behaviour that you're unaware of. DS has recently been DX with ADHD at 6. He did/does stuff like this a lot. I'm not saying that this is the case with your DS but you can't rule it out.

[lecce]

Thank you. I very much like the idea of allowing him to earn them back - it's giving him the opportunity to do that when I work f/t and he has just started school. Loves it but finds it tiring, so not sure about getting him doing chores etc at the moment. This is also why I can't take him on several short trips to the supermarket - though that sounds a really good idea and I would do it if our situation was different

Creature I do use positive approaches. I wasn't bribing him so much as pointing out the fact that, if he played up, I wasn't going to be in the mood for paying extra for fancy wellies. He loves being given tasks as you describe - he had one task on this trip as we weren't there for anything else - choose wellies and then leave. Sadly, he messed up on the leaving.

Think I will try and find a way for him to win them back.

[mojojomo]

Maybe you could have a quick supermarket trip with him. Tell him beforehand that you'll buy the wellies and one other thing (so he knows he has to be good while choosing the other item and paying for both.) Hopefully that satisfies everyone without backing down.

[CreatureRetorts]

It is bribery however you dress it up! He's only 4.

Win them back?! Sorry to be rude but you're end up with a kid who will only do things for something in return.

[thehorridestmumintheworld]

I think you should stick with the consequence you have said or else he will not believe you in future when you say something. A pair of plain wellies is fine and you can always buy him something else nice to wear, like a nice scarf or hat or whatever.

[YouTheCat]

Lecce, online shopping is your friend. That way you can do short supermarket visits for bread/milk/wellies and it's all good practice but less stressful for both of you.

[mojojomo]

X-post with your last one about why quick supermarket trips are difficult. Can anyone else take him this week? If not, I'd probably have The Chat and buy them as long as he seems to understand what you're saying about him bolting, why it's dangerous blah blah.

[SPBisResisting]

Why is HK so popular? She isn't a cartoon is she, or a book? And yet young children like my DD adore her.
She looks too much like the playboy bunny for my liking :o
Sorry OP, not helpful. Just a HK rant I have.

[Auntlinny]

Plain wellies, draconian? I would stick to what you said and get some plain wellies. I think that 4 is old enough to understand the consequence.

[HandMini]

Plain wellies. It's not bloody draconian. Draconian is refusing to get him wellies and letting his feet get wet. It's a v clear consequence / reward thing in my view.

[londonrach]

Two ways of approaching thus.

1. Tell ds you will be going shopping for x item (no more than 5 items) if behaves the hello kitty wellies are his. If not you have to follow through with boring wellies.

1. Just get the boring wellies as you already warned him and he is 4 years old not 2!!!!! Has he been diagnosed as someone suggested as normally at 4 the running away doesnt happen.

Very difficult as you already said you said no. Children think in the present not the past so be tempted to start new tomorrow with option 1. Good luck x

[HandMini]

Surely there will be some other thing coming up that he can have another go at being good for. Stick to your guns on the wellies.

[CreatureRetorts]

Lone voice here - but it's ridiculous to stick to your guns, resort to bribery etc to get the kid to do what you want. When he's a teenager, what bribes will you use then?

[Donkeyok]

You can get plain willies and give him a H K sticker to put on each time
de does a job or completes his days' reward chart. You can get plastic H K stickers with the correct glue you can economise and give him a reward he wants to achieve.

[SeaSickSal]

I initially thought that you needed to stick to your guns.

But then I thought, rather than just giving in - why don't you say to him that he can have the wellies but only when he shows he has learnt to behave himself in the shops.

On the next few shopping trips reinforce this by either saying 'You're still not getting the wellies because you didn't behave'. Or if he does behave tell him that he has improved and if he shows it again a couple of times he can get the wellies.

That way you won't haven given in and he will still learn to behave but he'll get the wellies too?

[lecce]

Creature I really don't think I'll end up with a child who only does stuff for rewards as I have been very careful to avoid that kind of approach. Sometimes though, it is debatable where stating a fact ends and bribery begins. Saying something like, "Put your shoes on as quickly as you can. If we don't leave now we won't have time to stop at the park on the way to the shops," for example. Is it bribery, or just stating a fact?

I get what you mean about 'winning them back" but I really meant find something he would do anyway and then saying it's so great he can have the wellies! Something like being kind to the dog (he worships her) or reading his school book (it's a novelty still - he's always keen to do it!) I realise I didn't explain it like that though.

I would love to get the wellies on line but I don't trust the sizes. He currently has size 8 and a size 9 we tried today were smaller!

Getting worried about the diagnosis thing now, though. Is it really so unusual for 4 yr olds to be doing this? He never did it when younger...