To want to have a bit of peace at Christmas in my own home?(92 Posts)
Just had probably the most stressful phone conversation ever with my mother!!!
We are buying a house, and my parents are moving into the top floor as a granny annexe because my mum is disabled and my dad needs some help looking after her (it's a 3 storey house). They will have a bedroom, shower room and living room on the top floor.
We will share use of the kitchen, but the rest of the house is ours. There is no spare bedroom.
The house is most likely not going to be completed until the end of November, and according to Persimmon, they need two weeks after it's built before we can move in - so that's going to be the middle of December. We are renting the house we are in at the moment, just waiting for the new house to be built.
We are putting on a conservatory as soon as the house is finished, obviously weather permitting for the laying of the groundwork - this will be a shared area, but will be quite large (9m x 3.3m).
My mother, without discussing it with anyone, decided to invite my grandparents and uncle down from Scotland for Christmas, to stay in the new house. She has decided that she and my dad will sleep on a sofa bed in their living room, my grandparents will sleep in my parents room and my uncle can either sleep in my DS1 or DS2(not yet born....) bedroom.
I initially agreed to this after much ranting at DH on the proviso that the conservatory was built and this would be the "living space" that was used when they were down- not our family living room. This was initially ok as the house build was well ahead. It has since fallen behind so we are back to probably only getting in mid-December.
Today, my mum starts going on about Christmas again, and I pointed out that it was now more unlikely that the conservatory would be built do maybe she and my dad could go up to my grandparents as obviously the deal was they'd only come down if we were settled and the conservatory was built.
She started going on about it being one of the few Christmases they have left (the very thing she berated my MiL for when DH's Nan was still alive!!!) etc etc.
So now I am properly dreading Christmas. I am even considering retaining the rent on this house until January and becoming an antisocial recluse over Christmas because I am so angry an upset about being pushed and guilt tripped into spending my baby's first Christmas in the very way I didn't want to - 7 adults crammed into my living room for a week, having to pander to other people's times, needs and wants instead of my children's, not being able to lie on my couch and snooze, watching what I want on tv after being up and down half the night with the baby.
I know writing this down makes it seem so selfish, but my mother has a history of "showing off" and I know that this is why she has to have Christmas the way she wants it, with no real thought to the fact she is imposing on MY living space and my first Christmas with my new baby and DS1 as a big brother.
I even suggested she could go up there with my dad - my grandparents don't like travelling and are in their mid 80s, but she puts a huge amount of pressure on them every year to come down at Christmas, despite the roads being very busy and the weather so poor.
I can't rant to DH about it as he has just spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital with severe PTSD, and the stress of hearing me on the phone to my mother earlier was even too much for him - so goodness knows what he will be like if she insists on going ahead with it. Waiting for my brother to call me to chat but he is ill as is his wife and DS so I fully expect not to hear from him tonight.
I'm just so frustrated at being effectively forced into what will be a really stressful christmas, after having just been through the worst period in my life while DH was in hospital, and about to have a new baby at the start of November.
I'm hurt that my mother thinks it's ok to try to guilt trip me with my grandparents deaths and I just feel like screaming about it all
Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, or is my mother?
Given how you feel & the amount of illness in your family I really don't think living with your patents is going to work out
Tell her no...it's not going to happen. End of.
I also don't think its going to work out. She's invited people to stay in your house without asking. Fine if she wants to invite people to stay in her bit and not to intrude in the rest of the house but if not she needs to know that she must discuss this with you. She clearly doesn't get that the rest of the house is yours and if you're going to live together this is pretty crucial
tbh I think house sharing with your parents is at the root of this. It is their home too and if there is no spare room, you are going to either not have any guests or accommodate them as above. Didn't you discuss this before buying the house? You've accepted the concept of living in an extended household, do you really expect it to be as like living without anyone else?
Doubly YABU not to realise new build homes are often late to complete and expecting to be fully organised for Christmas anyway.
Whats with your parents living upstairs? How long before they start to suffer mobility problems which will compromise their stair climbing?
We are having a stair lift fitted for my mum.
We discussed people coming over to stay- the only people who do stay are my grandparents and initially agreed that they could come at Christmas IF the conservatory was finished- that's the extra space we need to accommodate them really.
As soon as the extra space is there, it's not a huge issue.
My DS will happily sleep in our bed with us or on a blow-up on the floor in our room, so again a non-issue for the future.
Yanbu. Ive got Christmas worries but they're ,
nothing on yours. Id tell them to leave you alone to have a quiet Christmas with the new baby.
How is living on the 3rd floor going to help your mum?
Anyway, the rest of the house isn't just yours. It's shared. You share a kitchen. Do you really expect them to come down all them stairs several times a day for drinks etc? No. They will in reality stay downstairs because it's easier. They will go into the living room and the conservatory. How can you not have anticipated that she will invite family, and of course they will come downstairs. Are they not your family as well. Or did you really think this wouldn't happen or that they would remain upstairs, and trudge food and drinks up?
I think the bigger issue is the fact your Mum (if I've understood correctly) is strong-arming your GPs and uncle to travel down from Scotland for Christmas, when you say they (the GPs) find the travelling hellish.
Wouldn't it be better if your Mum and Dad went up to them? Or does your Mum's disability make travelling difficult?
Your priority needs to be your dh IMO
It sounds so stressful & he's already very ill
Will he be ok with living with your parents? How much help will they need? And you'll have a newborn
YANBU. Keep the tenancy until January for all your sakes. Also think that if you feel like this about Christmas then how on earth are you going to live with them, them having a living room upstairs is not going to stop them invading your space by the sounds of it.
YAsososoNBU. You are a saint for agreeing to live with your parents in the first place. Your mum's Xmas plans sound hellish - put your foot down. You need to look after yourself so soon after having a baby and DH so soon after his hospital spell. Best of luck, what a tough situation.
I think the house share sounds like a bit of a nightmare.... Could they not have bought a small house or flat very nearby if its a new build?
Keep renting your own place until January, for everyone's sanity.
As for future, you need to agree that any house guests will only be arranged with everyone's agreement.
I think you need to rethink this living arrangement.
It is not going to work.
Yanbu - you are just putting the needs of your husband and children (and, rightly so, yourself) first!
I live with a husband with stress related health issues and young children and that is hard enough, without your mother putting extra pressure on you!
Do what you feel is right for you. A new baby and new house AND Christmas is enough to handle in one chunk by anyone's standards! Good luck - I really hope you are able to make your mum see sense. x
You just can't do this. Brand new baby, a DS who's going to be completely thrown by the new sibling AND a house move, a DH who has very recently been very unwell - you have to stop this in its tracks. You're not unreasonable or selfish or anything - you have to just tell her it's not happening this year.
YANBU. Yr DM sounds like a nightmare to be honest - and your priority has to be your dreadfully sick husband. Why is he barely an afterthought in this?
This sounds dreadful. YANBU one bit.
TBH I don't even understand it at all. If your GPs are in their 80s then your parents must be in their 60s at the oldest. Why on earth are they wanting to live in a granny annex at the age of 60ish? I understand your mother is disabled but even so... a granny annex in your 60s? My DH is in his 60s and he lives a perfectly normal busy professional and personal life. It would be many a long year before anyone got him into a granny annex, even if something terrible befell me to become disabled. These days 60 is still young.
I guess you're probably stuck with the whole idea now, but you probably need a family ground rules conference.
So you're about to have a baby and your DH has PTSD? Bloody hell, you don't sound selfish at all... Maybe slightly insane to have agreed to this in the first place, but that's by the by.
I think ihearsounds has a point that they may well not stay upstairs on a ongoing basis so you might find your privacy pretty invaded anyway, particularly if your mother doesn't see it as 'your' space.
I think you need to lay down some ground rules sharpish and cancel the Christmas she's planned. It will be a nightmare.
who is paying for this house? Is it a 50/50 split or is it just you buying and them moving in?
You can tell her no, or put up with it. Alternatively, you could rent a cottage with your dh and dcs and leave her to it. I assume she also wants you in charge of feeding and entertaining everyone?
I am also doubtful that this will work out as a living arrangement. It is clear that her wishes trump yours and she see it as her house. I think you need to concentrate on the needs of your dh and baby. Not to mention your own well being.
YANBU. Tell them they are welcome to entertain but you are staying in your current rental!
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