To wish that just sometimes DH would bloody well think for, and do things, himself!!?(27 Posts)
My DH is a lovely bloke and is great in many ways, however he really pisses me off in that he always tries to get the kids to do everything for him, which they then inevitably can't do, and he keeps barking instructions at them, makes no effort to do the job himself, and then I end up having to get involved.
Take today, for example. I went out alone to get the weekly food shop. Got home and one of the doors at the front of the house was open. DD (aged 8) and her friend were sitting in DH's car, which was parked on the road, and our two dogs were running around on the road and on the path. DH was sitting in the house watching TV. He'd told DD to go and turn off the radio in his car (which he'd left on), and she'd let the dogs out. She couldn't work out how to turn the radio off and he kept giving me instructions to tell her how to do it, and it was just quicker to do it myself. he then shouted to DD to 'tell the dogs to come in' and of course the dogs won't do as DD says, so again I had to get involved in that too, to get the dogs in safely. All the time whilst DH just sat there.
He also asks the kids to do things such as run baths for him. So they'll run it and he'll ask if it's the correct temperature, and then he'll keep shouting instructions upstairs such as 'add a bit more cold' or ' how deep is it now?' and it takes so long with all the instructions and to-ing and fro-ing that he could just go up and run the bloody bath himself. I end up going up to help the kids do it as they can't do it and he gets ratty with them. Or he'll send them up to get something for him which they can't find and again it'll be about 20 minutes of 'look here', 'look there', and once again I'll end up going up to find the item.
He also just seems totally incapable of thinking for himself. If he has to do anything child related then there are 20 questions. He had to pick DD up from brownies the other night as I was getting ready to go out and he must have asked me 10 times what time to pick her up. Or any other job he does, such as bath our 4 year old, he tries to draft me into it, asking questions and where things are.
I'm just fed up with it really. We both work full time, not sure if that will make any difference or not to the answers. He probably works slightly longer hours than me, but I do everything in the house generally.
I told DH from the point at which DS1 could walk (ok slight exaggeration) that he was not to use him as a personal servant, as DH seemed to think he could just give stuff to DS1 to take into the kitchen for him, or get the tv remote control for him, rather than move himself.
If he tries any unreasonable requests while I'm within hearing, I usually just say to DH that he should do it himself.
I do ask DS1 to get stuff for me now, since I had DS2, but only when it's really a bit tricky for me to get it.
Re. things like the timing issue - yes, DH is sometimes guilty again but I don't repeat it more than once, I'm far more of a PITA than that, I just say "I've already told you, can't you remember it?!" Or "it's the same time as it was last week, and the week before and in fact every time he's ever been" and amazingly he usually manages to remember it then! Just sheer lazy "thinking" and I CBA with it.
He sounds completely clueless about the demands he's placing on his children. Is there such a thing as child/parent counselling? If so, he should be toward the head of the queue for it. I'm sorry that you're caught in the middle all the time, it must be very wearing.
Although, to attempt to be fair, he sounds so lazy that if the DC did actually refuse to obey the orders they're given, I doubt he would be bothered enough to get up himself and do anything. As long as they stay out of shouting range they'll be fine.
How many 8 yos 'decline' to do something their dad asks them to do, as if they're turning down a final drink in a country club?
It is expected in our house that kids do something if you ask them to. The difference is that they aren't asked to do anything unreasonable or age-inappropriate and they aren't skivvies for us. If my DS leaves his coat on the floor I tell him to hang it up himself, but then by that token the same goes for me - I don't get to make him run around hanging up / fetching / switching off my things. I'm also a human being with working arms and legs.
Nonsen e. There's nothing in the OP suggesting that if 8yo DD declined to switch off the radio he'd have made her do it.
And stop doing everything in the house. I bet you do his laundry, so tell him he can do that himself from now on as you are very busy doing all the other stuff. I'd still wash your own stuff, mind, as he sounds so accomplished at being inept that he'd be sure to wreck anything of yours that went in.
If he's 'always been lazy', though, it's going to be a big job to change him, and you will have to be pretty determined about it.
He doesn't sound lovely. He sounds bone idle. I can imagine situations where you ask the kids to do/fetch something for you but not all the time!
Today, with the radio - since you'd seen he was just sitting watching TV, why didn't you go and say to him 'DD can't work out the radio, you'll have to go and do it yourself', instead of taking the job on?
I can think of one redeeming feature straight off. He's not a martyr.
Does he have any redeeming features at all?
Because he sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.
Barking orders? asking children to run his bath? Unable to carry out simple tasks?
What a catch
Tell him the children are not his slaves! This is unacceptable.
He sounds like a petulant Teenager. Why do you have to tell him what time to pick dd why does he not know her schedule it is his daughter!
OP, as you say, your DH is a lovely bloke and great in many ways. He (and you) have also managed to raise children who are inclined to be helpful. Both of you should be congratulated for that.
You have given me fresh impetus to be like your DH.
The only problem that I can see is that his instructions aren't good enough. I don't see why an 8 year-old child shouldn't be capable of switching off a car radio, locking the car, bringing in the dogs and shutting the gate. I agree that you need to record him giving instructions. It might encourage him to give more precise instructions that your children are able to follow.
Yes, what did he do before he had
Stop interfering, tell the your children they are not his slaves and they do not have to do everything he ask. For example it's ok for him to ask them to clear their plates from the table but it's not ok for him to tell them to run his bath.
I would tell him that you and your dc children are not his personal slaves and as he can manage to do a days work as an adult then he can do it at home. I would tell him that you will pull him up every time he treats you and DC like this.
I bet he not even aware of how often he does it.
Agree with squitten, why did you not go inside today and tell him very firmly to get off his backside and sort out the mess he'd created?
When you intervene, stop the kids doing whatever it is. For example, the bath, just switch the taps off and tell him to run his own bath. For today you should have got the dogs in and brought the kids in and told him that his radio is still on and he needs to sort it.
Next time he asks the kids "Can you just get me..." you need to say "No they cant, get it yourself" and make sure the kids listen to you.
Its not good that he views his children as slaves.
Wow - really? You went out and dealt with all that? Because my response would have been to march into the house, switch off the telly and tell him to get his butt outside and sort that lot out immediately!
He just sounds like a lazy git!
Urgh he sounds repulsive. Lazy arse. You running around after him with your kids is also teaching them terrible life lessons.
I think he needs to be made to understand that the kids are not his servants.
It is one thing to train kids to help around the house as and when they become able to do so (I am all for that), but quite another for him to ask them to wait on him hand and foot, which is what it sounds like he is doing.
I think by intervening you are enabling him to continue the way he is. I feel a bit sorry for your kids being treated as his personal assistants, particularly when he is asking them to do things which are beyond them. I think you need to sit down and explain to him how unreasonable he is being and tell him that you are going to give the kids permission to ignore many of his requests.
He sounds vile. Feel sorry for the kids.
Record him barking orders, and play it back to him.
It might give hima shock.
Sounds like he needs one.
I think I'm going to have to stop intervening and just let him get on with it. It's hard though, in situations like today's one with the dogs, as sometimes it's unsafe and I have to take control. He'd have just left the dogs running around for ages.
He has always been fairly lazy, even pre-kids. He never asks me directly to do things but of course as the kids have got older he asks them and then knows I will step in. I have to sometimes as they get annoyed/upset as he gets cross with them for not doing as he asks, and sometimes he asks them to do things that they simply cannot do.
Good grief, what was he like before you had kids? Is this possibly something carried on from being pampered by his parents or does he think he's entitled to be waited on hand and foot for some reason!
I would sit down with him and have a word, asking someone to do you a favour such as 'would you mind making me a cup of tea?' is normal. Treating them as your servants is not and frankly I'd find it deeply unattractive. Stop stepping in and doing what he wants, tell him that adults don't behave like this!
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