AIBU - to expect a friend to tell me what I've done wrong?

[RingEir]

I am looking for a bit of perspective on this please. I am v. v. stressed at the moment (work, baby, the usual) so i know I am not seeing the wood for the trees. I live abroad and the other day called one of my old (best) friends on skype, for the first time in months. We talked for about an hour and a half, mostly about our many problems. At that point I heard DH banging about in the kitchen below and (as we had recently had a massive row about lunchtime) I thought I'd better go and said so to my friend. We hung up, cordially enough I thought. When I went down to the kitchen, it turned out the lunch wasn't even started. A couple of hours later I sent a follow-up message to my friend, saying that the lunch thing had been a false alarm, that baby was still asleep, that I was going to try to get some work done and that I hoped she enjoyed the rest of her day. No reply. A few days later I sent her another message re: sth else. No reply. And she is ignoring any posts I put on fb etc. So I am assuming now that she is not talking to me. In retrospect, I can see that she might be irritated by my first message, but is this enough to warrant the silence? Is there something obvious I am not seeing? Should I write to ask her? or just leave things be?

I know this may sound trivial, and that I am obsessing about it, but I am very down right now and these incidents affect me very much.

Thanks for reading.

[AngelsLieToKeepControl]

Why don't you call her? There could be a problem with her internet or computer.

[SantanaLopez]

Either you Skyped her for the first time in months and only talked about yourself for the hour and a half and she's not pleased or she's being very childish.

[farrowandbawl]

Do you do this often?

Find yourself distracted by other things? mobiles? other people? do you talk about yourself more than listen to what she has to say?

Do yout hink that she feels as though your life and everything going on around you is more important than listening to her for 1/2 an hour?

How would you react if you got those messages after leaving a conversation the way you did?

[DoJo]

Are you posting messages directly to her, or do you mean she isn't liking/commenting on random posts you are making on Facebook? I think you have inferred that she is ignoring you without considering that there may be other reasons that she is not responding to you. Why not just give her a call?

[RingEir]

Thanks for answering.
Angels - no problem with her internet/computer, she is posting away on fb every day
Santana it was the first time in months, but I was the one who took the initiative, and I am almost always the one.
FandB good points - 1. You're right I do get very distracted by other things, I have an awful lot on my mind at the moment. 2. I feel I listened to her as much as she listened to me, but that might not be her perception. 3. I would probably be a bit pissed off, but I would not completely ignore a friend because of it.

[RingEir]

No I wrote her two private messages. The reason I haven't phoned her is because if she really doesn't want to talk to me I don't want to force her.

[humphryscorner]

I have had a good friend and we wouldn't see each other for months. When we did have a catch up I would actually speak for about 10 mins And then the rest if the night would be about her train wreck life!

It was draining, in the end I just avoided her.

[farrowandbawl]

Posting messages is (forgive me, this is IMO) lazy.

Call her. Explain everything you have said and apologise. Try not to blame something else or her.

It could just be that she feels that she has a lot on her plate too and that you are not listening OR even that she feels as though she hasn't been able to talk to you properly because you have so much going on and didn't want to give you more to deal with.

It could be that this has happened a few times now and she's had enough. You don't listen to her and cut her off abruptly (even if you didn't mean to) so she can't be bothered with her side of the friendship anymore.

The only way to find out is by having a proper conversation with her. With no distractions on either side.

[RingEir]

Ok, I guess I'd better phone her then, but honestly I wasn't being lazy, we mostly communicate through messages because we are both so busy. And it wasn't until after she didn't answer the second message that the penny dropped that sth was wrong.

As regards who listens to who, honestly I don't think either of us are great listeners. I have seen this friend monopolise conversations with other people many times and not let them get a word in edgeways. But she is not aware of this and often complains that people interrupt her. I confess that I am guilty of this too, but I think we are pretty equal on this point.

She certainly has a lot on her plate too. And I care about this and worry about her. It's difficult for me to have a no-distractions phonecall, much as I would like to - there are things beyond my control like the baby crying.

[RingEir]

And just to say, thanks for all your insights, it's helped me see things more clearly.