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AIBU to decide to be a sahm

(58 Posts)
NCFail Sat 05-Oct-13 22:21:59

Single parent with no support from exP or family.

Have a child with autism who has struggled in mainstream & now in a specialist unit. Still struggles with school.

Have decided to be a sahm... Have worked, part time for since child was born, now 9yr.

Lots of reasons like constant exhaustion, no respite ever, have made myself unwell in the past through constantly being on the go and have the transition to secondary to get through.

Financially I am very slightly worse off but have made changes to negate this.

I just feel terribly guilty and a little less of a person. I am planning to finish some studies / do some volunteer roles whilst off...

AIBU to be a sahm or should I just get a grip, man up and go back to work?

NCFail Mon 07-Oct-13 23:57:59

Thank you so much to everyone for your honesty (yes even LessMissAbs smile)

What I am hearing overwhelmingly is that I need to stop judging myself so harshly and concentrate on caring for us both first & foremost smile

Thank you for sharing your own experiences and for the empathy you have all shown. I did expect so many people to get what I do every day.

I hear your words of caution - actually looking into finishing my masters in due course smile

Today I walked & bathed the dog, saw friends, did the shopping & hoovered... after yesterday's 4hr tantrum / meltdown it was a perfect 'reset' of physical & mental energy grin As a result we had a positive evening grin

The decision right for where we are now grin

everydayaschoolday Tue 08-Oct-13 00:16:40

I haven't read all the thread. But I agree with posters saying being a carer is a job in itself. You do need to be well rested and healthy (physically and mentally) to look after yourself and others. So don't feel guilty about doing what feels right for you, because your ds will also benefit. All I'd say, make sure you're confident on your finance calculations to be able to get by. I'm about to do this - walk out of a well-paid profession and register as a carer for dd.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 08-Oct-13 00:39:21

Isn't it sad Op thst you even had to ask the question...

I have a legal background- I should be earning 3 times what I do now. I constantly get asked when will I be getting a 'proper' job.

I found a playscheme for ds in the last holidays. Its £350 per week- 25 hours of care. 10-3. He doesn't get a personal budget for social care so I would have to fund the playscheme. How many people could afford to pay £14 per hour care for just one child? I have 3 dc& expecting another in January. The youngest dc is 5, he has no diagnosis but possibly has asd too.

Dp needs surgery in the next few months. Im nearly 6 month pregnant. I will take 2 weeks off when I have the baby. We quite simply will lose our home if I stop working.

So I work from home. I work all day & when they go to bed. I get so exhausted I feel sick. Dp works shifts. My mil died 3 weeks ago so now we've no one to help.

If I could get out of my situation I would. You do whst you need to do for you & your ds.

Take care.

NCFail Tue 08-Oct-13 00:44:43


I wish you had a way out too hmm Sounds horrific - so sorry for your loss.
Please take just 10 minutes out of every day to stop and relax... That might sound like nothing but I bet you are not getting it...

Please take care of yourself - I hope things ease a little soon xxx

DameDeepRedBetty Tue 08-Oct-13 01:04:50

Hi NCFail

I employ people for about an hour and a half a day, to walk other people's dogs. I appreciate this may not work for you, and quite clearly it's not commensurate with your original professional skill base, but it might be the sort of thing that keeps you sane and slightly more solvent?

I've already got something similar going with one of my own dsis's who has an adorable but difficult ASD son, whose issues are making her choices limited.

DameDeepRedBetty Tue 08-Oct-13 01:05:44

And Shelley mahoosive hugs xxx

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 08-Oct-13 15:02:34

NCFail- I'm really pleasedfor you. Maybe one day your son will appreciate what you are doing for him. Maybe he won't. Either way, you will know that you're doing exactly the right thing by him. The fact that you had a positive evening speaks volumes. Take care flowers

Shelley- hope you can find yourself a similar solution some time in the future. flowers

FauxFox Tue 08-Oct-13 15:34:12

YAtotallyNBU my DS has ASD and i feel so lucky DH can earn enough that I can be there for DS (and DD of course). I work from home freelance but if i'm honest it is pocket money for extras not vital income and I dip in and out around what the DCs need. If I were a single parent I would make the same choice as you.

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