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to expect DP to pay more rent as he earns more....

(95 Posts)
Jewels234 Fri 04-Oct-13 23:13:25

I have lived with DP for almost a year now. We earn about the same amount.

He has now got a new job and will earn about £20k more than me. We currently split everything 50:50. Friends think that he should pay more now. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

To give some context, we rent, and don't have children. Should he be paying more now? If so how do I broach the subject?

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 23:56:28

I'd see if he volunteered to make a larger contribution to your joint costs - whether that was rent, bills, holidays, whatever.

If he didn't, I don't think I'd be able to ignore the creeping realisation that I was lumbered with an ungenerous bastard who didn't want to pay his fair share.

Then I'd LTB. wink

blueraincoat Sat 05-Oct-13 01:34:17

I earn a fair bit more than DP and despite his protests have geared the amount of rent I pay accordingly. We sat down and talked about it with me instigating it but I think if he came straight out and asked me I wouldn't have been happy about it.

lessonsintightropes Sat 05-Oct-13 01:35:49

Yep it's all different. I earn double what DH earns, the differential was still massive but less when we moved in together. He and I are both sensitive about it as I don't want to subsidise him nor he take more than his fair share but we do have shared expenses (i.e. mortgage and bills). What we worked out for us as being fair is that I pay 30% more of our shared expenditure and I get to keep some of my extra (which I almost always spend on stuff for us). This will change radically when we have DCs as he will be the SAHP. It's about what works for you both. We're all different and please don't listen to the inevitable shouty militants you will get telling you how to live your life!

Lweji Sat 05-Oct-13 01:45:32

What olgaga said.

From my point of view a partnership is a partnership.
Room mates should share 50-50.
Partners should end up with the same spending money.
It may seem fine for now.
What if he or you lost his/your job?
What if one decides to be a SAHP?
What happens if you decide to move to a more expensive place?

nappyaddict Sat 05-Oct-13 02:48:31

See I sort of think if you are thinking of becoming a family then that's the time the discussion of joint accounts, proportion of paying rent and bills etc should come. Before then I do think you should pay 50/50 unless the higher earner wants to buy things for the two of you that they maybe wouldn't have bought when there were on a lower wage, move to a more expensive house, change to a more expensive car, go on more expensive holidays, meals, nights out, take a taxi when you could walk/go on bus etc.

Idocrazythings Sat 05-Oct-13 03:17:05

I think if your rent contribution is not leaving you short then you should leave it. You haven't been together that long and you were managing before with what you were paying (I presume). If it's leaving you short or getting you into debt then talk about it. As soon as he gets a pay rise if you're asking for a cut of it you could look grabby. Sometimes well meaning friends and family can cause a lot of unnecessary problems in a relationship

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sat 05-Oct-13 03:29:02

My DP and I split the mortgage and council tax in half but he pays more on our household joint account as he earns a third more than me. Whatever we have left is our own. It works for us smile

livinginwonderland Sat 05-Oct-13 07:36:50

DP and I live together and split things according to what we earn. He earns twice what I do so pays more towards bills and rent, but I work in a supermarket and get a discount there, so I pay for groceries. You just have to figure out what works for you as a couple.

LondonMan Sat 05-Oct-13 08:18:04

There's nothing wrong with 50:50 as an arrangement, in appropriate circumstances. Both earning, neither short of cash for spending, and not significantly different appetite for joint spending.

Circumstance in which contributing in proportion would make sense is where there one is earning much more than the other, and consequently wants more expensive house/shared car/holidays than the partner can afford.

Circumstance in which equalising spending income would make sense is if one is not working or has insignificant income.

I think OP will look grabby if she suggests a change now. The time to negotiate a change is when marriage or children are on the cards. Between now and then sound him out on other options so that the ground is prepared in a non-threatening way.

Blokescantbuypressies Sat 05-Oct-13 08:19:18

At some points in our relationship I've been the sole earner, and therefore paid all the bills. I still earn much more than DW and pay all the mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc and most of the food, petrol. Oh, and one lot of private school fees.

As this means that DW can save a bit more she has paid for the last few holidays we have had.

Swings and roundabouts, and it's all our money. We're twenty years and two children in though, so you and your DP might take small steps towards this attitude.

Jaynebxl Sat 05-Oct-13 08:27:49

I think it depends on whether you both see this as effectively a flat share bit where the two sharers are romantically involved, or whether you are both seeing it as a long term committed relationship leading to kids, marriage etc. Idf it is the former then you should split it all 50 50 buy if it is the latter then hopefully he would take more financial responsibility as he now earns more.

Jaynebxl Sat 05-Oct-13 08:28:22

I think it depends on whether you both see this as effectively a flat share bit where the two sharers are romantically involved, or whether you are both seeing it as a long term committed relationship leading to kids, marriage etc. Idf it is the former then you should split it all 50 50 buy if it is the latter then hopefully he would take more financial responsibility as he now earns more.

Jaynebxl Sat 05-Oct-13 08:29:20

Hmm and I clearly felt my post was so important I managed to post it twice grin

MimiSunshine Sat 05-Oct-13 08:33:36

To be honest I'm not really sure what it's got to do with your friends?
Was your BF there when you were discussing his finances?

I'd say if the 50:50 arrangement has been affordable so far then stick to it. I can't see why you'd suddenly need to change things and it just seems a bit grabby.
If it's not comfortably affordable for you (and presumably your BF would already know this) then discuss it.

FWIW I earn a lot more than my BF and we split everything 50:50 I suggested a percentage split but he said no. So I am left with a larger disposable income but ultimately that benefits us both as we're saving for a deposit so it all within reason wink goes in to savings to try and catch up to his amount

2rebecca Sat 05-Oct-13 08:37:39

2k isn't much of a difference.
I think long term if you are going to be partners rather than just flat mates then pooling income is part of being in a serious relationship for me. I wouldn't marry or have kids with someone without pooling our money and assets.

bearleftmonkeyright Sat 05-Oct-13 08:38:51

I think if you're living together you should be able to talk about this easily with him whatever you decide to do tbh. If you decide to have children together then things get evermore complicated and if you give up work to be a sahp and he then sees his money as being "his" then that could leave you financially vulnerable. I would definitely, definitely talk about it in terms of planning for the future if a long term future and children is what you envisage with him. But as previous posters have said, there is nothing wrong with splitting the rent 50-50 at the moment. DP and I did exactly that when we bought our first house together and we now have three children and I am a part time working SAHP. He supports us all happily as did I when we had our first and I worked full time. It has to be a partnership of equals regardless of who earns the most.

2rebecca Sat 05-Oct-13 08:39:27

Sorry just saw 20k not 2k. I'd be discussing that if together long term, not for the rent as obviously the rent hasn't changed so no logical reason for him to spend more but if he starts spending money just on him and not on the 2 of you then you are just flat mates not a partnership.

DontmindifIdo Sat 05-Oct-13 08:47:21

See, if you are just living together, no dcs, not married (or engaged), and not been together for a long time, then you should pay half the bills like you were flat mates.

Saying that, when dh and I first moved in together, he did pay more of the rent, but then I was happy to rent a smaller property, he wanted a second bedroom as a study (for him) and a garage (for his bikes, the car was on the road). I told him what I could afford, if he wanted a bigger place, he had to fund the difference. We paid all other bills 50/50. At the time, I was earning £18k, he was earning £70-80k (self employed so varied). But before living with him, I'd rented a house with a friend and paid half of everything, I didn't see that moving in with a bloke should mean he subsidises my lifestyle. Once you've made commitments like marriage and/or dcs, then that's different, but when you are first living together you pay your own way.

Fairylea Sat 05-Oct-13 08:56:06

Well I may be quite old fashioned (maybe) but having been married to someone who was truly selfish and awful with money I think I would if you have plans to have dc in the future then I would want to see a joint pooling of money and an equal split of spending money left over in a trial run of sorts for having children. If I had done this with ex dh it would have showed me what a selfish idiot he was.

I am now remarried and dh and I have a joint account and put all money in, pay all bills together and split whatever is left. He works, I am a sahms. We have two dc.

carabos Sat 05-Oct-13 09:11:25

I have a radically different approach to this. Having done the shared money, joint account thing in my first marriage and got royally shafted because I was the higher earner, I have no shared money with my DH of 20 years.

I am entirely financially independent - if we split up tomorrow nothing would change in my world. I can pay my rent, car, household bills without any input from him and that is the only way I can be comfortable. I have no idea what he earns (could make an educated guess) and I don't care what he does with his money.

We NEVER argue about money. The bills get paid, everyone eats. There is NO way I could look at a partner who was fortunate enough to earn themselves a big pay rise and think "I'll have a slice of that thanks very much" and anyone who tried that with me would find themselves quickly kicked to the kerb.

That's what independence is about for me - however, I don't know anyone else with the same attitude.

2rebecca Sat 05-Oct-13 09:19:53

I earn more than my husband but couldn't imagine having lots of money to spend whilst he has none.
We both work though and I can imagine I may feel resentful if he was at home all day whilst I worked, unless we had agreed he'd be at home to look after the kids. I don't want to subsidise someone else's idleness.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 05-Oct-13 10:31:00

Given the relationship is still new, no children or marriage then YABU to expect him to support you when you are perfectly capable of paying your share.

Its far better to retain your financial independance as no relationship is cast iron.

DontmindifIdo Sat 05-Oct-13 10:34:34

2rebecca - while that's fair enough, the OP isn't in this situation, they rented a place together and set their budgets on paying 50/50 when she was earning the same as him. She was quite happy with the budgets and her disposible income, it's only now that his income has changed that the idea of changing the budgets has come up, essentially, nothing will have changed for the OP, although if her DP wants to have a more lavish lifestyle now he has more money (such as renting a bigger place or eating out more often, buying new furniture for their flat/house, going on posher holidays) then he has to fund the difference as her budget is the same as before, he can't expect her to match increased spending, but it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to continue to match her previous spending as nothing has changed in her earning potential or expenses.

It woudl be all up for review if htey got engaged or married, or had DCs, but for now, I don't see why an adult with no dependents working full time should expect someone else to fund them.

middleeasternpromise Sat 05-Oct-13 10:53:07

I doubt this issue is so much about what you do now with money but how you actually feel in your relationship about financial matters. When you got together you were equal financial earners and the 50:50 split was logical. Beneath that you need to think about what you expect and he expects about money and other resources. Your friends have told you he should contribute more and this clearly strikes a cord with you. Apart from who has what - what has this year together told you about your individual financial priorities? Do you spend similarily? is there broad agreement on purchases or major disputes? do you each have to conceal some financial decisions otherwise it starts a row or does the boat travel smoothly? If you plan to stay together you do need to have a shared understanding about money and an attitude you are both happy with.

ShoeWhore Sat 05-Oct-13 11:12:51

I think what's really important here OP is not how you decide to organise the finances (lots of different perfectly valid ways to do that) but how the two of you approach and discuss it. It should be something a committed couple can have an open honest discussion about imho.

I used to earn significantly more than dh and therefore paid more into our joint account and used spare money to save, pay for hols etc. because I love him and wanted us to share those nice things together. When we got married we simply pooled everything. I've since been a sahm and because we've always had a joint approach I don't feel any loss of having "my own money"

That's just our approach though. The key is to find a solution that feels right and fair to both of you.

(In contrast we have some friends whose finances are totally separate and he earns lots more and buys himself lots of gadgets, expensive clothes etc while she scrapes by. I've heard him say things like "we wanted to go to x on hols this year but dw can't afford it" To me that seems a bit unfair, esp as there are children involved and she works part time! shock That's clearly rather extreme though!)

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