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AIBU?

to expect DP to pay more rent as he earns more....

94 replies

Jewels234 · 04/10/2013 23:13

I have lived with DP for almost a year now. We earn about the same amount.

He has now got a new job and will earn about £20k more than me. We currently split everything 50:50. Friends think that he should pay more now. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

To give some context, we rent, and don't have children. Should he be paying more now? If so how do I broach the subject?

OP posts:

Report

Darkesteyes · 04/10/2013 23:21

Your friends have a point You should both be paying towards the rent in proportion of what you earn.
20k more than you is a huge amount

utreas · 04/10/2013 23:21

YABU you should pay the same and not expect him to subsidise you.

LessMissAbs · 04/10/2013 23:22

I wouldn't fancy being subsidised by a man. Its not the 1950's. It would make me feel bad.

Each to their own I suppose, but I prefer to pay my own way in life. If you can afford the rent, I can't see why you shouldn't pay half?

RevelsRoulette · 04/10/2013 23:26

I think it's important to have a discussion about money. You live with him, you sleep with him, you can have a conversation about money with him.

You not only need to discuss a fairer way of organising your money now, but you need to discuss a way to organise the money if you have children. Who will pay for what? Will you have family money and be a unit financially or will you keep everything separate and pay amounts into a joint pot, etc.

Perhaps pay an equal percentage of your wages into the pot for now. If you pay 50/50 when he earns so much more, then you are paying a far higher percentage of your income and that isn't fair.

ChazDingle · 04/10/2013 23:26

i think if you can both afford half the rent then continue as you are. If he is earning more then it will hopefully work out that in holidays, nights out etc he will start paying more, if it doesn't then you need to look at relationship

BillyBanter · 04/10/2013 23:27

It depends. If you had children then I would say yes, for sure. But without kids then it depends on how you are comfortable between the two of you, what your future plans are etc.

As for subsidising you I'm not sure what the difference is between paying proportionate rent and, assuming you will be doing stuff together and he will want to spend his extra money, him paying more when you do stuff. He may wish to save the extra and then if you split that is his money not yours, which is fair enough. There isn't enough detail to say otherwise.

Either way it's up to you two to decide what works for you, not your friends.

Minx179 · 04/10/2013 23:29

YANBU. I'm not sure how utreas thinks he would be subsidising you, when you are in a partnership. It would be an unequal relationship if you spilt all the bills 50/50 when one partner is earning significantly more than the other.

I'm not sure how you could broach the subject. Has your partner mentioned what he plans to do with the extra cash at all? Do his plans appear to revolve around benefiting you both or him alone?

Donkeyok · 04/10/2013 23:31

Well you've only been together a year so I would think you need to retain your financial independence by paying the same. That's what I would advise my dd. However 27 yrs with my partner we have both had different jobs where our incomes and roles, children, caring for elderly parents etc vary. We have always had a joint account since we moved in together. Its worked for us but if you were the higher earner and you disagreed on how to spend your own money it could cause resentment.
Perhaps he could pay for things which you feel you couldn't afford but he wanted you to share such as a meals out, naice sofa or luxury holiday.

LessMissAbs · 04/10/2013 23:33

Why would it be relevant if someone earns more whether or not their earnings "benefit" their partner?

There must be something wrong with me. I've never entered into a relationship thinking about what I can get out of it financially.

Pity, as I could have made a fortune...

bebanjo · 04/10/2013 23:34

Some couples are like this, I nave never understood it and could not be in that kind or relationship.
If it works for you fine, if not tell him.

Caterpillar0 · 04/10/2013 23:36

I definitely wouldn't ask for a bigger contribution from him now, if you've been going 50/50 in rent up to now and you can afford your share. One year in I would stay financially independent. The longer you're together the more your finances will merge and the higher earner will inevitably put more in. In the near term, as others have said, he'll probably put more into cabs, dinners, groceries etc.

BillyBanter · 04/10/2013 23:36

I don't understand how splitting rent and bills proportionately rather than 50/50 is the OP revoking her financial independence?

Bearbehind · 04/10/2013 23:37

I think the £20k needs putting into context. That's a hell of a pay rise if you are both on £15k now but if you are on a lot more than it becomes less significant.

Either way, if you mange by splitting equally now, my pride wouldn't allow me to take a back seat just because my parter had got a pay rise.

BeCool · 04/10/2013 23:38

If you were struggling financially then yes, I would raise the subject of splitting rent/bills on a pro-rata basis. If you were married or had DC I would say the pro-rata route would be reasonable too.

But presumably as you've been OK with splitting 50/50 thus far, then I think it would be cheeky to ask. Any why would you want him to sub you just because he had a pay rise? What if you then get a pay rise?

Driz · 04/10/2013 23:41

I would continue splitting everything 50:50. But I like my financial independence. Presumably you live somewhere affordable to both of you so why should he lose out by getting a better paying job?

Donkeyok · 04/10/2013 23:42

I think independence is accompanied by legal rights if she is paying 50 % of the rent. For her own credit rating with bills and protecting her accommodation if they need to separate.

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 04/10/2013 23:42

I suppose it's whatever works for each individual couple, but fwiw, Dh and I have always split our finances so that we pay bills, save and have spare cash proportionately to our wages. At times that's meant he's paid more, at others time I did. It's always worked well for us.

That said, we both see all the money coming in as jointly ours anyway, so it's not really an issue we think about - more of a habit, really!

LoopThePoop · 04/10/2013 23:43

YABU about bill paying.

If he chooses to spend on meals or nights out I would accept.
Then again if you are referring to him as DP and not boyfriend I would expect finances to be joint and there to be no difference in any spending.

Finola1step · 04/10/2013 23:44

I think you should stick with the 50:50 agreement and save some of the extra income. I do not see why you are discussing such financial matters with friends and not your DP. How would you feel if your DP was discussing your salary etc with his friends?

BillyBanter · 04/10/2013 23:46

I think I'd rather rent split proportionately and discreetly and pay more on nights out rather than have him publicly pick up the tab every time we're in a restaurant. I think that would make me feel more self-conscious.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2013 23:46

IMO, when you live together instead of apart, you have both chosen to become one household - an emotional, domestic and financial unit. When we moved in together, we didn't 'split' the bills. Our salaries went into a joint account, from which all joint household expenses were met. We both had the same amount of personal 'fun money' paid to our personal accounts from the joint account. Regardless of the ups and downs of our relative incomes.

How do you broach the subject? Well, you're living together - where do you see your relationship being in a year's time? Five years? Ten years? Have you ever talked about this with him? It could be time to be talking about absolutely everything, if you haven't already.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/10/2013 23:50

Depends how serious you are.

To put his side of it, if he did pay more, and you split after another year, he can't just claim it back, even if you instigate the split and he feels rotten about it.

So I think you need to discuss it quite seriously.

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Justanotherforumname · 04/10/2013 23:53

YANBU if its a serious relationship then i personally think bills etc should be split fairly. In context I earn more than my DH (not by anywhere near 20k different but a decent amount) and since we moved in together ive always paid more - at my insistence. Since we got a mortgage together we have had the exact same amount left in our personal accounts each month (of which we do whatever we like - the other has no visibility / say at all) and everything else is in the joint acct and we both have to agree what its spent on after the house, bills.
I know lots of couples who dont earn equal but pay equal and each to their own but personally i would never feel right having more money than my DP.
I do feel you should at least discuss it though, at the end of the day whatever works for the two of you is the right way no matter what anyone else says...

Jewels234 · 04/10/2013 23:56

Thanks for all your opinions, it feels like everyone is a bit different and it's just what works for different people. At the moment we are so happy...so I might just see how it goes. Really appreciate your replies :)

OP posts:

olgaga · 04/10/2013 23:56

I'd see if he volunteered to make a larger contribution to your joint costs - whether that was rent, bills, holidays, whatever.

If he didn't, I don't think I'd be able to ignore the creeping realisation that I was lumbered with an ungenerous bastard who didn't want to pay his fair share.

Then I'd LTB.

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