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to think dh is 100% in the wrong?

(69 Posts)
PlumpkinPie Thu 03-Oct-13 23:03:47

This is long so thank you for sticking with it.......DD (almost 11) and Dh clash. We also have ds, 4 (who adores dh and the feeling is mutual). Dh had always been the type who prefers not to have any confrontation or to disagree with anyone. When dd was small he'd always say "Mummy will be cross with you" or " Mummy says it's bedtime". He was never ever the bad guy. I don't know if this is relevant. Anyway nowadays DD reacts to him and he to her. I have heard her be cheeky or challenging to him - sometimes rude but other than with him she is very well behaved. Good at school and at home (for me). I tend to avoid putting them together especially with DS. Away from DH, DS and DD get on great together - she's brilliant with him though can throw her weight about at times, generally is very patient and generous. If DD and DS have a row, DH wades in blaming DD without finding out what was going on. Anyway, this evening I asked dh to collect dd (I wouldn't usually as they come in with thunderous faces having had words in the car on the way home) he took ds with him. Sure enough she comes in chatting away but he comes in ranting about her behaviour. He went off to watch tv and she explained what happened (both to blame - crossed wires/bad reaction) and said she was upset they fought so I suggested she go talk to him. She went in and said I don't want to fight with you...and he roared back "well why did you so..." Then he refused to speak to her and stormed off to bed an hour later as he is "too full of rage" to deal with her.
I feel as though we have a huge problem on our hands. I know she is less amenable for him but I feel that his reactions are out of proportion for a 10 year old. I also think he will have similar problems with ds as he spoils him and refuses to discipline him. His stock answer is "well I don't know how to be a parent do I?" hmm
I feel I am constantly reassuring dd that she is okay but then he'll not speak to her for days over a silly incident and I think that's a terrible lesson to teach her. I also don't think he's fostering any respect in her towards him. A friend says it's between them and I shouldn't stress so much but it makes life uncomfortable and tbh I'm not too impressed with his behaviour confused. Am I BU in thinking it is totally he who needs to change and not her? HE thinks she needs to change.......

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Oct-13 23:05:33

He's (allegedly) the parent here. He needs to start acting like one.

nameimadeupjustnow Thu 03-Oct-13 23:07:33

She's 10. The problem behaviour is entirely his, and he better sort it out sharpish. This will get worse, and he will not 'win', if that's his intention.

Hegsy Thu 03-Oct-13 23:09:32

He ignores his own daughter for days? WTF? That is just wrong on so many levels. You are right he needs to grow up and stop acting like a child himself.

attheendoftheday Thu 03-Oct-13 23:13:21

Your poor dd. Is there any way you could talk him into going on a parenting course? He is in the wrong and needs to change.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:17:14

He needs to grow the fuck up - she is TEN and it's clearly not a recent issue. FFS. This would be a deal breaker for me, I couldn't have my child put through that in her own home.

cocobongo Thu 03-Oct-13 23:17:59

he is an absolute tosser. doesn't speak to her for days? unbelievable.

YouTheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:12

He's right about one thing. He doesn't know how to parent... at all.

Your poor dd. The way she behaves towards him is a direct result of his behaviour. He's supposed to be an adult.

wigglesrock Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:31

He doesn't speak to his 10 year old for days shock . His behaviour is cruel and unacceptable. I have an 8 year old, I know what they can be like.

You don't want your daughter to think that this is how people deal with rows and anger, he's full of rage - Jesus Christ, she's 10. Your daughter & son will quickly think that this kind of anger and huffiness is normal in adults - not a great blueprint for future relationships.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:25:05

His behaviour is emotionally abusive. I would really struggle to stay with a guy who treated my little girl like that.

AmberLeaf Thu 03-Oct-13 23:27:04

but then he'll not speak to her for days over a silly incident and I think that's a terrible lesson to teach her

Bloody right it's a terrible lesson.

That is emotionally abusive. Don't let her grow up thinking that is a normal way for a man to treat her.

Your DH needs to grow up, or fuck off IMO.

sweetestcup Thu 03-Oct-13 23:28:42

Arent you worried about the effect of this emotionally abusive behaviour on your DD, especially as she grows?

Hopasholic Thu 03-Oct-13 23:33:26

So your DD had the maturity, at aged 10, to go and offer an olive branch & he threw it back in her face shock

He'd be out of my life & up shit creak before the sun had set.

He is damaging your daughter by choosing to behave this way. I'm not being dramatic either, he really is. sad

BlackeyedSusan Thu 03-Oct-13 23:54:39

it is horrendous behaviour. I have been at your daughter's end of it. when my dad was ill but i did not know that at the time i did not recognise dv when it happened to me later until it got very serious.. consider what you need to do to break the cycle and stop her ending up in an abusive relationship.

oh and my dad ws emotionlly abused and neglected too. break the cycle.

mumofweeboys Fri 04-Oct-13 00:07:03

Relate for some family counselling, head off issues which are oing to get worse when dd becomes a teenager

nennypops Fri 04-Oct-13 00:11:02

His reactions are not just out of proportion, they are totally inappropriate for any father. He sounds considerably less mature than your daughter. If it wasn't that it would send him into a massive sulk for days, I'd suggest you show him this thread.

ecuse Fri 04-Oct-13 00:18:50

Is DH DD's dad? Either way, it's pretty horrendous behaviour.

LyraSilvertongue Fri 04-Oct-13 01:18:58

Cold-shouldering her for days after an argument is so very wrong. She could be left emotionally damaged by this treatment by her own father.

Does he show her any love at all, ever?

Maybe some family counselling would help.

Balaboosta Fri 04-Oct-13 07:17:18

Not a good situation. Totally your business to worry about, can't believe your friend said that. You have to do some work on this. Sorry.

Faith48 Fri 04-Oct-13 07:23:18

OP I had the exact same situation except I was in your daughters position. I had a horrible childhood because of it, my DB could do no wrong and I was to blame for everything. Eventually I lost all respect for myself and went off the rails because I couldn't stand being at home. My DM couldn't stand the atmospheres so she stuck with my Dad and as a result I would be extremely happy to never speak to them again and they feel the same way. It affected me massively, please stick by your daughter.

ElleMcFearsome Fri 04-Oct-13 07:39:54

Ugh, the silent treatment. My DM was the queen of this. Withdrawal of love and the silent treatment was pretty normal to me when I was growing up, culminating in, on June 1, the year I was 15 she ceased talking to me. Didn't say another word until the morning of my 16th birthday - (mid February the following year) to ask me where I was going as I appeared downstairs with a suitcase. I was moving out to go and live with my (very unsuitable) boyfriend. And I mean not a SINGLE word. She just looked right through me. 8 months of the silent treatment, all through my GCSE year at school and everything else. My DF hated confrontation and was trapped between his wife and me and totally ineffectual.

We eventually mended the fences and have a good relationship now but it has really left me scarred. I deal really badly with confrontation, with upsetting people, and I used to be terribly clingy. It took a lot of therapy for me to work through it all.

As previous posters have said, please try to explain to your DH how damaging this is. Maybe he could have some counselling to address his stuff, followed by family therapy, as others have suggested.

RevelsRoulette Fri 04-Oct-13 07:42:13

How can someone be a parent for 10 years and turn round and claim they don't know how to be one?

If you were in any paid employment for a decade and announced that you had no idea how to do the job - you'd be fired.

Does he have any idea at all how pathetic he sounds?

OrchidLass Fri 04-Oct-13 07:43:13

Wow I think this is a massive problem. He is treating his own daughter in an appalling way and it WILL have a detrimental effect on her and her future relationship with him and others. It may sound like an over reaction but I really couldn't be with someone who treated my child in this way even if he is her father.

invicta Fri 04-Oct-13 07:47:28

Why does he feel like this? Do you know the cause of his resentment towards his daughter? I think you need to find this, and then try and build on a new relationship between the two. It's a very sad situation to be in, and must be stressful for you also acting as the go-between.

DoItTooJulia Fri 04-Oct-13 07:48:43

Those saying it's a deal breaker or LTB situation, what do you think will happen during contact, when it's just the kids and the dad. Genuine question.

when mum wouldn't be there to diffuse the situation. Or comfort dd?

Is it worse to stay to make sure the kids are ok, or is it enabling the behaviour?

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