To be this upset about my birthday

[Psychobubble1]

Ok so I have a birthday coming up next week and have a had a bit of a year this year. Also, I'm starting a very intensive training course on the week of my birthday. I knew this would coincide back in spring, so told my husband quite clearly that I would really like a bit of a fuss made of me this year, ideally a one night spa break or something. I have never asked for anything like this before in the 15 years we have been together. However, I really needed it to be different this year.

So... I just found out yesterday that he has not sorted anything out (I am 100% positive this is not a smokescreen for a surprise). He did not sit me down and explain this to me - it just came out in a normal conversation about our plans for the month. He got defensive when I said I thought we were doing something for my birthday weekend and simply said 'well I never promised'.

Both he and I have often suspected that he is somewhere along the Aspergers spectrum. I thought I'd made my peace with this some time ago. I love him and have put a lot of work into not taking his difficulties with empathy and sensitivity personally. I try to get emotional support from others around me and manage my expectations around what he can do. Hence why I am now quite comfortable telling him very explicitly what I need or want on any occasion. He is very focused and single minded and finds it hard to shift tasks, therefore he often works very long hours and is not around much to help with the house or children.

It just seems that despite clearly stating what I wanted for my birthday he chose not to do it and I feel really hurt. In fact I'm surprised by how hurt I feel about this and then feel guilty that I'm being spoilt or demanding. He complained of not being able to get childcare and not having enough money, this initially made me feel more guilty. However, he is well paid and could have easily managed it if he had booked and organised it in advance. I earn a fraction of his wages and managed a three day foreign trip for his 40th. I simply put a little away every month and asked his mum to take the kids for us. I always make a fuss of him on special occasions and try my best to look after him. I always seem to spend more on him than he does on me. I cook. I clean, I pick up his socks, I look after the kids, I also hold down a good job. I'm worried that maybe I have been silently resenting not getting my needs met for a long time and that this incident has brought the whole thing to a head. I am now seriously questioning if I can go on with this marriage for the rest of my life. Am I being completely unreasonable and blowing this out of proportion, or is he totally taking me for granted? I really can't work out if I'm being a prima-donna or a doormat and would value an outsiders view.

[CrohnicallyLurking]

He's taking you for granted.

Asperger's could be an excuse for not taking hints. But as you clearly stated what you wanted, he has no excuse.

[CoffeeTea103]

The Aspergers doesn't excuse him. You told him well in advance. He was being very inconsiderate and probably takes you for granted.

[Psychobubble1]

Ok so I have a birthday coming up next week and have a had a bit of a year this year. Also, I'm starting a very intensive training course on the week of my birthday. I knew this would coincide back in spring, so told my husband quite clearly that I would really like a bit of a fuss made of me this year, ideally a one night spa break or something. I have never asked for anything like this before in the 15 years we have been together. However, I really needed it to be different this year.

So... I just found out yesterday that he has not sorted anything out (I am 100% positive this is not a smokescreen for a surprise). He did not sit me down and explain this to me - it just came out in a normal conversation about our plans for the month. He got defensive when I said I thought we were doing something for my birthday weekend and simply said 'well I never promised'.

Both he and I have often suspected that he is somewhere along the Aspergers spectrum. I thought I'd made my peace with this some time ago. I love him and have put a lot of work into not taking his difficulties with empathy and sensitivity personally. I try to get emotional support from others around me and manage my expectations around what he can do. Hence why I am now quite comfortable telling him very explicitly what I need or want on any occasion. He is very focused and single minded and finds it hard to shift tasks, therefore he often works very long hours and is not around much to help with the house or children.

It just seems that despite clearly stating what I wanted for my birthday he chose not to do it and I feel really hurt. In fact I'm surprised by how hurt I feel about this and then feel guilty that I'm being spoilt or demanding. He complained of not being able to get childcare and not having enough money, this initially made me feel more guilty. However, he is well paid and could have easily managed it if he had booked and organised it in advance. I earn a fraction of his wages and managed a three day foreign trip for his 40th. I simply put a little away every month and asked his mum to take the kids for us. I always make a fuss of him on special occasions and try my best to look after him. I always seem to spend more on him than he does on me. I cook. I clean, I pick up his socks, I look after the kids, I also hold down a good job. I'm worried that maybe I have been silently resenting not getting my needs met for a long time and that this incident has brought the whole thing to a head. I am now seriously questioning if I can go on with this marriage for the rest of my life. Am I being completely unreasonable and blowing this out of proportion, or is he totally taking me for granted? I really can't work out if I'm being a prima-donna or a doormat and would value an outsiders view.

[abbathehorse]

Oh gosh, I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting a fuss made on your birthday from your husband. Every year, let alone every 15 years.
My mum is married to a man who, while lovely in many respects, is emotionally distant and over the years it has really got her down and made her feel undervalued. She stopped looking after herself. You sound like you are aware of his limitations and assertive, but if even spelling it out to him doesn't work, it must be difficult. In fact Aspergers or not, if you explicitly asked him and gave him lots of notice, there's no excuse. I think you need to have a talk with him and tell him how you feel.

[Psychobubble1]

Sorry, bit of a newbie. I Seem to have a reposted the original message in the reply section . Thanks for the speedy responses.