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To hate being criticised.

(23 Posts)
sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 11:51:07

I think I have a real problem with this, and wonder how others cope.

I don't make decisions lightly. I think things through, research, weigh up options, then make a decision which I think is quite pragmatic. Day to day, I have my own routines at home and at work, which work for me.

So what really, really annoys me is my DH or my Senior partner at work wandering in, and telling me that they would have done it a different way, and that I've done it wrong!

Today, I've had DH out of the blue decide that he would actually have preferred us to send the dcs to private school, and that it is only because of my "prejudices" that I didn't go to the open day at the local private secondary - despite the fact that I had discussed it with him numerous times, was told it was my call, looked at the fees/entrance exams etc and decided that it would be far more sensible to stick with the excellent state options, told him my view, asked his, was told he didn't have time to think about it and he was leaving it to me.

So why decide to criticise my decision at 7am this morning?

Then I come to work, where I am the highest grossing, but worst paid, fee earner, and have to make decisions constantly and regularly, because others can't be bothered, until they decide periodically that they need to show a bit of authority and question every bloody thing I do.

Honestly, I don't know whether I am just a control freak, and bad at taking criticism. Is it me or them?

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 11:51:37

Actually, reading that back, I think I am a control freak!

WinkyWinkola Thu 03-Oct-13 11:54:36

Do you really?

I think people look to you for your solutions and then find holes after you've consulted them.

Why are you the lowest paid but biggest fee earner? Now THAT would get on my nerves. Time to look for another job or negotiate salary?

Ignore your dh. You did all the research and leg work about schools. What did he do? And on a whim he wishes he'd chosen private? Well he still can do private but on what rationale ?

Zoe6789 Thu 03-Oct-13 11:56:06

I think your husband is being unfair to you. There will ususall be consequences (pros and cons) to any decision that matters. You have to take responsibility for taking the final decision and you do that. It is easy to sit on the side lines handing over the responsibility for making the decisions and just piping up with criticisms and pointing out the flaws and the cons. That's a far easier role.

notanyanymore Thu 03-Oct-13 11:57:44

You don't sound like a control freak at all to me!

nickelbabe Thu 03-Oct-13 11:59:55

I don't think you sound like a control freak at all!!

You've been given responsibilty for decisions, which you have made, and then you've been questioned on it afterwards (in a rather dirosry way from your post)
that's not your error, it's theirs.


WinkyWinkola Thu 03-Oct-13 12:00:42

And even if you are a control freak, it sounds like you carry a lot of responsibility and like to cover your arse in a professional way.

But you're not a control freak.

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 12:01:54

Really? I actually thought you were all going to tell me I'm being over sensitive.

The job thing is because I want to work school hours, and it is usually impossible in my profession - I put my foot down years ago and insisted, but the end result is that I don't want to rock the boat. It seriously pisses me off though.

jackstini Thu 03-Oct-13 12:05:39

It would annoy me too!

I would definitely see if you can get some kind of performance linked bonus for your job.

Re DH - he needs to make a call - either he contributes time to making decisions & therefore has a say, or, he leaves it to you on the understanding you will not be questioned after!

Wonder why he suddenly brought it up this morning though.. hmm

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 12:06:20

Winky, you have made me feel so much better. I was sitting in my office about to explode with the whole thing.

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 12:07:57

He brought it up this morning because I asked him if he wanted to look around a grammar school at the weekend. He said he'd leave it to me...

123bucklemyshoe Thu 03-Oct-13 12:14:12

You work school hours & are the biggest earner. .they are lucky to have you...not the other way round. You must be very good at what you do & super efficient.

Re your husband he doesn't have a right to an opinion. He abdicated that when he didn't take any responsibility. Now if he wants to change that he has take everything that goes with it. It's easy to criticize from the sidelines...

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 12:40:47

Super efficient, and still have time to Mumsnet;)

DeWe Thu 03-Oct-13 12:42:46

I don't think anyone likes being criticized.

It slightly depends on how you approach decisions too.
Re. your dh. If your dh finds you push your decisions through anyway he may not bother pushing his side. It's hard to tell whether you do this an OP.
For private schools my dh is very anti. When we discussed it, he couldn't get through the "it's a lot of money" and in all honestly I gave up trying to discuss it on a level footing with him.
He would say it was our decision. I don't feel I really had my say on it, (he's not like that over everything, just has a thing about private schools) and I don't know we'd have gone private, but I do feel I'd have liked to discuss it more thoroughly.

On your senior partner, I'd think it was part of his job to let you know if he'd rather things were done differently. If you've made a decision that he wishes to be done differently, if he doesn't say, how will you ever know?

DIYapprentice Thu 03-Oct-13 13:46:18

You need to tell them that unless they involve themselves in the decision making process, they don't get to criticise - it's as simple as that.

It's very easy to pick apart what someone else has done, nothing ever gets done perfectly, does it? But let them try to do things on their own and hold THEIR work up for criticism.....

Tailtwister Thu 03-Oct-13 13:54:22

Well it wasn't just your decision was it, you discussed it together! I hate it when people say 'it's your call', when what they really mean is they want the option to come back and blame you. I would tell him straight that the decision wasn't made just by you, it was something that was discussed jointly and you made the final call because he was too much of a wuss to do it himself.

As for the work situation, that's unacceptable. You need to renegotiate salary or look elsewhere.

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 14:40:38

Right, I'm going to speak to DH calmly tonight, and make sure that I have genuinely heard him. DeWe, I am worried that you are right and maybe he just doesn't get heard.

I am quite aware that I always end up making the major decisions, but to me they are usually no brainers. Also, if I didn't make a decision, I am quite certain it would drift and wouldn't be made at all. Thing is, it's fine if it's a blocked toilet, or a holiday, but something like a school choice is a BIG DECISION.

You can probably tell that this is a regular circular argument we have...he says I am a control freak and can't take criticism. I defend myself, and then question and doubt myself as soon as I'm alone.

As for work, I know I am a mug, but the alternatives are just not appealing. I have looked around, but it would involve a longer commute, almost certainly longer hours. I don't care about the money, if work would just let me get on with it and stop throwing their weight around when they are in the mood.

What is strange is that I am beginning to realise that this doesn't happen in other areas of my life, it's just work and DH.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Oct-13 14:47:36

I'm not seeing a control-freak that can't take criticism. I'm seeing a DH and employer that can't come up with persuasive/better arguments at the time a decision is being made and then whine about the outcome.

Grumpla Thu 03-Oct-13 17:14:48

I often think I'd be much less controlling if other people were more reliable. And less twattish. I think you may have a similar problem.

It's not you it's them!

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 17:47:18

Grumpla -yes! That's it exactly. DH is lovely and not a twat but is sometimes guilty of twattish behaviour.

Conversation not going to happen tonight, it would seem, as he's had a tough day and is going for a drink after work. Which is fine, but you see why I have to make the decisions. Right now, he's probably forgotten the dcs even go to school.

Sorry to rant, but sometimes you just need to, don't you?

123bucklemyshoe Thu 03-Oct-13 17:55:46

Husbands generally aren't twats otherwise lovely women like you wouldn't stay with them) -they just have a great propensity to be idiots

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Oct-13 18:03:50

God I love you lot! I was expecting a real flaming this morning, but you've made me smile all

jackstini Mon 07-Oct-13 11:03:21

Hope you got your chat over the weekend Sitting and things are a bit more sorted!

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