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to not want MIL to stay for 3 months

(172 Posts)
FatOwl Tue 01-Oct-13 02:13:47

We live overseas and MIL lives alone in the UK (but SIL and her other grandchildren live in the same street)

She is becoming more difficult as time goes on (over fussy, unreasonable behaviour, extremely stubborn etc). She is physically in good health though, though can be forgetful. She is 77.

She is coming for xmas and new year.

She can't fly long haul on her own, she gets too confused, so we are flying her out with dd1 who is at uni in the UK (we have to tell her she is "bringing DD for us" because she won't believe she needs support through the airport) - arriving about 18th dec.

DD will need to be back at uni for 13th of jan so we'll probably fly them both back around the 10th Jan. They will both be here around three weeks.

DH now says he wants her to stay until the beginning of march when he is flying back to the UK on business.

Now if dh and MIL has a close loving relationship, that would be fine, but they row almost constantly, which I find very stressful.

When I asked him if he could really deal with his mother for three full months, he said well, she needs the company, it will be nice for her to "miss winter"

By company, he means me. It would be OK while dd1 was still here, but by the time she goes back, the other two dds are back at school, and dh is back at work, it will be down to me.

She has stayed that long before and I ended up very down. I like my own space. I came downstairs every morning for three months to find her sat ready to go with her handbag with an expectant "what are we doing today" face on.

She doesn't like Shopping. Or walking. Or the heat. She has visited us several times before, so doesn't want to do the tourist things again.

When she came for that long time before I naively thought she would make her own plans- there is a big expat retired community here- but no.

Dh is away about one week in three, so isn't even here (but at least that means they are not rowing I suppose.)

For the record, I would not be happy if my parents wanted to stay that long either. They normally come for about two- three weeks and it's enough.

I sound like a complete cow, but would AIBU to say I don't want her for that long and she needs to go back with DD1 mid-jan?

gobbynorthernbird Tue 01-Oct-13 02:16:29

YANBU. Just from the title, YADNBU.

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Tue 01-Oct-13 02:23:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

homeagain Tue 01-Oct-13 02:25:30


BillyGoatintheBuff Tue 01-Oct-13 02:28:33

I would be miserable to have anyone staying for three months if they are expecting to be entertained all the time! argh! and your dh rows with her so added stress.

spatchcock Tue 01-Oct-13 02:31:14

YANBU. That is a reeeaally long time. Ask DH if he would feel happy looking after your mum for three months while you worked.

NatashaBee Tue 01-Oct-13 02:32:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazycanuck Tue 01-Oct-13 02:32:58

YANBU in the slightest, that sounds like hell on earth. Can you show your dh your op?

MiniMonty Tue 01-Oct-13 02:41:10

Honey - assert yourself - put your foot down and just say NO!
Posting here will give you support and advice (great) but you need to DO something REAL in the REAL WORLD and double fast !
If you don't then that invasion is going to happen and you only have yourself to blame if it does.
The monster in law is an eternal problem and one which you either confront full on or suffer for ever and ever...
Nip it in the bud, talk to DH and be firm about the idea that NO means NO. Sorry but...

You wrote a thousand words on the subject on this forum - but you're not confused so try it again:
"I won't have your Mother moving in here for three months"

Hmmmm - sounds good right - (say it out loud).
Now say it out loud in your kitchen over breakfast.

TheSteamingNit Tue 01-Oct-13 02:52:30

Three weeks? Manageable.
Three months? Fuck off. Fuck right off.

Amy106 Tue 01-Oct-13 03:20:59

Three months!! No, just no way. It is not at all reasonable to expect this of you.

Amibambini Tue 01-Oct-13 03:50:04

Oh. My. Days. You need to remind your DH the effect her last visit had on you. Three months is just TOO MUCH to ask. YADDDDNBU.

As an aside, what the hell is it with old people getting so bloody miserable? I had a couple of older rellies visiting London for just a few days recently and they were a right pair of miserable gits, and they weren't even staying with me. They didn't like anything I suggested, but couldn't tell me anything that they fancied doing, and barely concealed their lack of enthusiasm for the light sightseeing I arranged (and took time off work to do too!) for and with them. Urgh, so frustrating!

I really, really don't want to turn into a decrepit Debbie Downer.

ifink Tue 01-Oct-13 03:56:52

YADNBU!!! just no way in hell. We live overseas aswell but thankfully the GPs don't seem to like Oz that much (too hot, too far blah blah) but when they visit its a matter of weeks not months! I hear you re the expectant 'look' MIL asks every bloody morning 'so what's the plan for today' and if I ask her what she would like to see she says 'nothing, I only came to see the kids' - so WHY ask what the 'plan' is???confused

MrRected Tue 01-Oct-13 04:01:53

Lone voice of dissent.

She's no spring chicken. She may be a giant pain in the ass BUT she is elderly and deserves some leeway. Avoiding the winter must be a good thing for her.

Could you not just talk to her about this? She probably relishes her space as much as you do. Talk to her about your expectations and ask her what she'd like/want wrt food, outings, bus timetables etc.

Having been through this myself and living with huge regret when DMIL passed away thousands of miles away, I have radically changed my tune. 90 days to make an old lady happy. It's not such a big deal.

ILoveMakeUp Tue 01-Oct-13 04:04:54

Three weeks? Manageable.
Three months? Fuck off. Fuck right off.

My sentiments entirely grin

CruCru Tue 01-Oct-13 04:05:12

Dude - even if she was your best friend and you got on brilliantly, 3 months would be much too long.

Problem is, if she were someone's child, you could book her in for a weeks activities (tennis camp, ski school) but that would be weird in this case.

Why don't you get DH to work out some form of itinery for her? It sounds like he doesn't realise what hard work this is going to be.

CruCru Tue 01-Oct-13 04:06:42

Also - does she know that he wants her to stay until March? She may not want to (my mum would hate leaving her house empty for so long).

MrRected Tue 01-Oct-13 04:11:38

I think this thread is so sad.

As I get older I am mindful that before too long I will be your MIL. I will try not to be cranky and set in my ways, but will probably cock things up. Travelling 10000 miles will probably out of my comfort zone and would probably make me anxious.

No matter how hard the journey or how old I was, I am quite sure I would move heaven and earth to see my kids if they lived so far away. I hope that they would accommodate me with warmth and open hearts.

bunnymother Tue 01-Oct-13 04:14:11

It's just far too long. YANBU. At all.

skyflyer Tue 01-Oct-13 04:15:21

YANBU, Jesus just the title of your post brought me out in a cold sweat!

We're in a different country and MIL comes 3-4 times a year for 5 days max, any more than 5 days and I start to lose the plot.

Fucking hell, 3 months!!

vvviola Tue 01-Oct-13 04:20:00

My parents stayed with us for 2 months over last Christmas for similar reasons (distance, avoid winter etc). My folks are fantastic, help out with the DC, muck in around the house, supply plenty of wine for dinner, went travelling for 2 weeks, went on day trips.... and it was still a teeny relief to get the house back when they left.

I know you said she didn't make her own friends the last time, but could you help it along? Find out her hobbies and bring her down to the local club etc, persuade someone to take her under their wing a bit? A bit of work for you initially but might give you space in the long run

vvviola Tue 01-Oct-13 04:26:03

Another thought - can you make her feel useful? I have some difficulties with MIL, and I find we get on much better and she is more respecting of my boundaries if she is feeling useful - little things like walking up to collect Dd from school, playing with the kids while I put the dinner on.

Would that help at all? Could she be the "adult at home" (I'm guessing if you have a DD at university you might have other school age children who don't need minding so much as an adult around) to let you have a couple of days doing a course or something? (Sorry, am presuming you're a SAHM)

garlicvampire Tue 01-Oct-13 04:33:03

Hang on, it'll "be nice for her to miss winter" but she doesn't like the heat?

There's no way my mum would enjoy it. She was angling to stay with rellies in Singapore for a while, but a ten-day visit practically boiled her. She went off that idea pretty quick!

DH is BU. Time you clarified this smile

Amibambini Tue 01-Oct-13 05:15:59

MrRected - but would you reasonably expect to have your kids, their partners and families to put you up for 3 months? Really?

ZingWantsCake Tue 01-Oct-13 05:27:38

why doesn't she just move in?!grin

like fuck would I have that.
reading the title made me feel sick.

I think you should say no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

I have a strong view on this

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