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To think using donor eggs is selfish

(158 Posts)
Dilemma81 Mon 30-Sep-13 10:28:25

I have had multiple miscarriages. I have been trying for a baby for over 5 years and the last ivf round has now failed. Although i’m in my early 30s, using an egg donor has been mentioned several times now because it seems my eggs are not good quality. Whilst I wouldn’t ever judge other people’s choices for using an egg donor, I have been up all night wondering about the ethics of going down this route for us. I don’t have religious beliefs so that’s not my problem. But is it selfish to go down this route? If I think about the child, how would they feel when they are a certain age to learn that I’m not their biological mother? Part of them would surely be missing and they surely would be wondering who they are. On the other hand, I’m desperate for my husband to be a dad and I know he would be up for the idea of donor eggs. But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it. Very interested to hear what people think.

Terez4za Sun 29-May-16 22:22:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wishful75 Sun 19-Jan-14 15:36:10

So you are being unreasonable as you would be the biological mother and you would be underestimating the biological influence you would have on the child.

I never buy the nature argument because we dont apply it to medical intervention with regard to illness.

wishful75 Sun 19-Jan-14 15:30:25

yes that's correct, the birth mother is indeed the biological mother.

With the advance of science in this area its becoming increasingly understood that epigenetics (how genes are expressed etc..) and the environment the baby grows in play an extremely significant role in the creation of the baby so its fair to say that the contribution of the birth mother and her biology play a greater role in influencing the outcome than either of the genetic parents. In that sense the recipient of an egg donation is more the actual parent!

SuperScrimper Sun 19-Jan-14 15:08:06

I think it's utterly immoral to hide their genetic history from a child. What of one day they need a transplant or happen to over hear something. It is disgusting that in this day and age people think it's ok to hide something like that from a child.

I found out my DM was adopted as an adult and I can tell you it has ruined my relationship with her. She let me go for genetic testing for breast cancer as my DGM had suffered from it, knowing perfectly well that I wasn't actually related to her.

Lies and secrets always out. What is just accepted by a child is a horrible shock for a person in their 20's.

Caitlin17 Sun 19-Jan-14 14:52:21

I don't think it's selfish. The donor made her own decisions.

I'll probably get flamed for this however but as you will carry the child, the birth certificate will show the 2 of you as parents, the 2 of you are bringing the child up, the donor mother will have no involvement why is there a need to even tell?

(In saying that I'm assuming the egg is provided by an anonymous donor rather than a friend or family member)

I'm not convinced by all this " have to know about my DNA" stuff and I say that as someone who doesn't know and doesn't care.

cingolimama Sun 19-Jan-14 14:48:23

thanks Cou!

Coumarin Sun 19-Jan-14 14:44:25

I want to applaud your second paragraph Cingo

cingolimama Sun 19-Jan-14 14:29:43

Can I just clarify that women who conceive with donor eggs ARE THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHERS of the child. They are not the genetic mothers.

Also, can we have done on this and other threads from posters who say "oh, I could never (shudder) do IVF or use donor egg" followed closely by "of course, I never had any problems conceiving". Really you know nothing.

OP I'm so sorry you're having difficulties and I forgive your silly thread title. It's a tough road ahead, whatever you decide. However, could I offer one piece of advice: Yes it's going to be difficult. But keep your eyes on the prize. Imagine a child in your arms, to love and cherish. Keep that image in your head and heart and it may give you courage.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 15:28:06

sorry for the multiples

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 15:24:44

yabu to use the thread title you have, sorry.

that aside, its a personal individual decision, too difficult to make if you have recently undergone the trauma of an unsuccessful ivf process.

for me, adoption or fostering would be preferable.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 15:24:30

chimney, ivf does not defy nature. icsi does, but not ivf.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 15:24:09

chimney, ivf does not defy nature. icsi does, but not ivf.

drbonnieblossman Sat 18-Jan-14 15:22:58

yabu to use the thread title you have, sorry.

that aside, its a personal individual decision, too difficult to make if you have recently undergone the trauma of an unsuccessful ivf process.

for me, adoption or fostering would be preferable.

UptheChimney Sat 18-Jan-14 15:14:37

But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it

But you had IVF? Surely, that's a procedure which "defies nature"? I don't get it.

And no, using donor eggs is not selfish, in and of itself.

Slatecross Sat 18-Jan-14 14:04:51

Bohemian chew on my big hard biscuit

mrsjay Sat 18-Jan-14 11:39:59

an egg does not make you any less a mother as anybody else what about sperm is that selfish too ? i hope you manage to reach a decision about this but i think you have to talk this through with your Drs really, the baby would still be yours

eurochick Sat 18-Jan-14 11:24:22

OP, there is a lot to get your head around with any kind of fertility treatment. I struggled with the concept of IVF full stop. I hated the artificiality of the process. Between egg collection and transfer, I missed my embryos, which seems ridiculous, but I wanted them back in me. Donor egg/sperm adds an additional level of issues to get your head around. It's not for everyone. It might not be for you. Your clinic will offer counselling if you are thinking about the DE route. This should help you work through your feelings. Personally, we decided to move to adoption if we were not successful with our own eggs and sperm. But that was just where I came out. A number of women on the Conception board have gone down the DE route. BTW, did you know that in the womb the embryo apparently picks up DNA from the mother, so even if the egg is not yours, the embryo will pick up bits of "you" as it grows. There are some articles about this you can track down if you are interested.

formerbabe Sat 18-Jan-14 11:04:28

I don't think it is selfish.

However, I would never donate my eggs, nor would I want to become pregnant with someone else's eggs.

I do know that is very easy for me to say, as I have not had any fertility problems.

Slainte Sat 18-Jan-14 10:59:30

Thants how exactly are women being devalued by donating/receiving eggs???

Slainte Sat 18-Jan-14 10:56:11

Nature didn't know you were a bad match Bohemian, what a twattish thing to say.

Does that mean that all couples struggling with infertility are "a bad match"? angry

Cheesy123 Fri 17-Jan-14 09:49:49

There is more to being a mum than just giving birth or having the same genes.

janey68 Fri 17-Jan-14 07:03:43

I agree that you shouldn't use a donor egg OP, as you obviously think its wrong.

However, I entirely disagree that it's selfish . Certainly no more so than having a child any other way, in that having a baby is inherently 'selfish' in that we do it because we want to. I would far rather a couple think through carefully all the implications of deciding to bring a new life into the world, than see babies being conceived without a second thought by a couple in a crap relationship, or a one night stand. And what about the children who are raised with a lack of stimulation, emotional support etc? Now that's selfish... Now that's selfish... To have a child without accepting the responsibility that goes with it.

As witnessed on this thread, there are altruistic women out there who are freely giving the greatest gift to people who will raise a child in a loving and happy home. If you have a problem with that, then it's important that you don't do it

EmmaBemma Fri 17-Jan-14 06:47:00

I don't believe that nature "knows" anything. Shit happens, is my view- anything else is dangerously close to saying that people somehow deserve to have infertility problems.

Thants, I have been an anonymous egg donor twice. I didn't claim any payment. Nobody "used" my body- the previous few eggs I managed to squeeze out were a gift freely given.

BohemianGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 06:16:47

I believe nature has a way of sorting things out.

My first husband and I never had children, we didnt use contraception. We were together 4 years.

Both he and I have gone into other relationships and remarried. He's certainly managed to have several children as have I. Neither of us have fertility problems

I think nature knew we were a bad combo.

Dromedary Fri 17-Jan-14 03:34:23

If you choose the donor carefully based on sufficient information and they are if at all possible traceable once the child is 18, and if you are able to accept that the child will not be your biological child, but will be your husband's biological child (I think some people can find that difference hard), and if you feel that you can be good parents (not everyone is suited to parenthood), then I don't think it's more selfish than having your own biological child. Make sure the child understands it from the word go and they will very probably take it in their stride.
It would, however, be far less selfish again to adopt a child who needs parents. Not saying that you should though, more than the rest of us.

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