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To want dh's family to acknowledge Dewali?

(156 Posts)
nesticles Mon 30-Sep-13 02:19:32

I am Hindu and dh is english not religious. For 3 years I have willingly hosted ils for christmas dinner, cooking a turkey even though I am a strict vegetarian. I always make a huge effort with presents (that normally get returned even if it was on the list ils gave me) and making everything from scratch (helps that I love cooking) cos I know it is important to ils and dh.
I have a bit of history with ils (not aproving of me because I am indian). They kicked up a huge fuss around indian wedding etc.
I have been with dh almost 10 years and we have a 7 month old ds. My religion is quite important to me and we want to bring ds up knowing and selebrating both Christmas and dewali in the traditional way. The last 3/4 years ils have completely ignored Dewali and not tried to understand me or what I believe. DH and I weren't living together before that and I was studying abroad and at uni so didn't expect it. I guess I just thaught as I have become part of their family they might've wanted to acknowledge who I am. I don't want ds to see this dismissal of my beliefs and am wondering. Am I expecting too much? Am I just cross because of the history? Am I angry because even after dropping hints about dewali with dates they have still ignored it? Am I just simply expecting too much for something that is just not their festival? Am I really upset because I go to so much effort for something I don't believe in but respect and they can't give me the same respect? I wouldn't expect mil to cook a curry (she would never do! can't stand foreign food) just a "happy Dewali" phone call will do. I would even understand if she called me up in the summer and asked me when Dewali was (dates change every year) even though it's easy to just do a Google search. Please tell me am I just asking too much?Or am I really cross because my parents by tree, decorate house, give presents to dh and ils and generally make a huge fuss over Christmas even though we never did it growing up? They feel dh is part of the family and we need to respect everyone's veliefs and selebrate them. Dh understands but doesn't know how we can make a change. I can't understand why I can't just let this one go as I do with so much else when it comes to ils. Thank you for reading my nightime ramble.

Chunderella Fri 18-Oct-13 07:42:50

That's great news OP! It will be brilliant for DS to have all the people he cares about sharing important occasions with him.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Fri 18-Oct-13 14:23:29

Oh, that's lovely of your FIL! Give em a Dewali to remember. (and I still want to come grin )

Chopstheduck Sun 20-Oct-13 08:58:40

aww that is lovely! I am really pleased for you smile

nesticles Tue 12-Nov-13 23:37:52

Hi everyone, Just back for an update. We had the party and Fil got in to the spirit of the event but Mil was really rude and kept whispering in to dh's ear how different it all was...and what went wrong or how unorganised some things were. I didn't know this till later. I'm still glad we did it but dh has told me they can't come again because they just make him angry. Ds loved every second of it and the fireworks and food was all hoovered. I am glad we tried. Thanks for listening. x

mitchsta Wed 13-Nov-13 16:05:35

Re: Kicking up a fuss around your Indian wedding... please don't assume that, had you been a fair-haired English rose, your inlaws would've made life any easier for you. It's quite possible that they'd have found fault with anything you did - when it comes to weddings, ILs were made to whinge about napkins, cakes, cars, guests, etc... your Indian wedding was just too obvious for them to overlook if they're the whinging type. Quite possible that no woman out there would ever be good enough for their precious son either. Try not to see it as a personal attack on you - more of a reflection of them as ignorant moaners individuals.

Re: Christmas... I'm Catholic. I enjoy celebrating Christmas from both a religious perspective and naff-Christmas jumper/mulled wine perspective. However, I'm also a vegetarian. And as accommodating as I am to my OH's meat eating, there's no way I could bring myself to cook a Christmas turkey. Just no. It's great that you're trying, but TBH it sounds like you're trying too hard. A vegetarian shouldn't be expected to cook a turkey. You would be very much excused from this duty by most normal human beings if you didn't want to do it. Let DH do the turkey if that's what he wants.

Re: Dewali... Considering your inlaws "can't stand foreign food" I think you're going to have to accept that it'll take some explaining about why Dewali means so much to you - and how much it would mean if they would join you, DH and DS in celebrating. It's great that your son is so young, because you can teach IL's about Dewali as you teach him. Then (hopefully) they'll appreciate what it means to you all. I don't know much about traditional Dewali food, but isn't a lot of it snacks - picky things and sweets, kind of like bright buffet food? Maybe a little background on what you'll serve them might help - so they don't expect to be force-fed plates of curry.

I definitely think an invitation and a bit of an explanation about why you want to make a big deal of Dewali now your son is here would be a good start. Good luck xxx

mitchsta Wed 13-Nov-13 16:11:35

Ooops! Should've RTFT. I think you should keep inviting ILs. I know you said DH gets annoyed, but the more times they celebrate with you, the less 'different' they'll think it all is in the long run.

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