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My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

(510 Posts)
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 28-Sep-13 10:31:10

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything. blush

izchaz Thu 10-Oct-13 10:57:53

Cheers Pumpkin :-) just really hope OP hasn't taken the bashing to heart.

ConfusedandDazed24 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:10:40

Lovely post izchaz x

izchaz Thu 10-Oct-13 10:03:46

Ewe, I read your initial post and thought "the way she speaks about her daughter is often how I help my (adult ASD) best mate, I wonder if her daughter is undiagnosed ASD?" I then read the rest of the thread, chewed my fists over the inability of some to hesitate and consider before posting utter utter balls, and realised that your birthday has been and gone. I do so hope you've had a happy birthday, that your friends can meet with you this week for a bit, and I'm so very glad you and your daughter had a nice dining experience at the Italian. Please don't be disheartened by some of the less "thought out" responses you have had, your attitude and approach to helping your daughter adjust to the world are brilliant. You have handled a veritable bashing here with aplomb and dignity, whilst also receiving some excellent advice and support. Please take a second to be proud of yourself and your achievements and your daughter, who obviously has an excellent role model on whom to focus her growth.

BeCool Wed 09-Oct-13 23:52:06

OP - Happy birthday for lat Sunday. It was my birthday too. I didn't fancy doing too much this year as my DC were with their Dad, and it's been an odd year - but I had an OK day all in. I hope you ended up having a nice day too (I've never had such lovely weather on my birthday before).

Read most of this thread - you are doing such an amazing job with your DD. I'm going to try and channel some our your calm and patience with my 2 this week.

thanks for Sunday

Nanny0gg Wed 09-Oct-13 23:44:12

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 - There was no need to shout.

All that you were asked to do (as of course, anyone with important things to do couldn't be expected to read 500-odd posts before putting their oar in), was to at least read the OP's posts. That way you would actually see how the thread was going, before posting something clearly at odds with it and somewhat irrelevant.

However, you prefer to get arsey about the suggestions made, (as is your right) so you carry on, dipping in and out (as many do), whilst missing the point.

Not quite sure what that achieves, but don't mind the rest of us; we'll just carry on answering the OP sensibly.

DSM Wed 09-Oct-13 23:37:32

I'll ignore NK to say..

OP - I've just read the whole thread and wanted to say you sound like a bloody lovely mother.


ConfusedandDazed24 Wed 09-Oct-13 23:04:22

Oh sweet Jesus, are you serious?!

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 Wed 09-Oct-13 22:25:34

Have just read all the responses on why I shouldn't be posting and how ridiculous I appear! I'm sure I'll be vilified for posting late but here goes...

It appears that the whole thread must be read before posting and that careful consideration must be given before posting my thoughts. Oh and it is important not to post on old threads where the event has already taken place.

If these are real rules then put them on the front page. If not then perhaps the regulars should make allowances for those that dip in & out of the site as time allows and for whom it is not A FUCKING WAY OF LIFE!!!!!

SauvignonBlanche Thu 03-Oct-13 18:38:48

Perhaps if you can't be arsed to read it, you shouldn't post on it
Good point!smile

waltermittymissus Thu 03-Oct-13 18:14:33

Neither did i actually! Thanks for asking Peonies smile

PeoniesPlease Thu 03-Oct-13 17:56:05

Thanks, I've seen it on here before and didn't know what it meant, so I'm glad to know now!

InsertBoringName Thu 03-Oct-13 17:49:33

I think it's Neuro Typical Peonies.

NeuroTypical - i.e not on the ASD spectrum (some people give it a broader meaning)

PeoniesPlease Thu 03-Oct-13 17:40:57

OP I'm glad to hear you seem to be ironing things out with your friends. Hopefully they'll be more understanding in future of your DD's needs, and at some point can try a rerun of the italian meal!

I wonder if anyone could help me out - I don't know what "NT" stands for - I know it means not SN, but don't know what it actually means and can't work it out! confused

YouTheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 16:45:04

Hahaha Lesson #1 from NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 on how to look a twat on the internet. grin

pantsonbackwards Thu 03-Oct-13 16:40:27

In every other country children simply fit in with the adults on such occasions. It's the adults here which appear to make an issue out of things.

My opinion is that all this French kids don't throw food" (or whatever its called) is crap.

I actually had a kid throw handfulls of sand and stones at my food and face! . . . in France. Parents just sat there, didn't give a shit and let the little darling carry on!

There were other examples but that one boiled my piss.

ConfusedandDazed24 Thu 03-Oct-13 14:10:47

Everything you just said waltermittymissus. With bells on.

waltermittymissus Thu 03-Oct-13 13:23:29

FFS - you thought on a thread of 480 replies you were the only person who had anything worthwhile saying?

You didn't think there was the slightest chance that someone else might have said OP was BU based on the original post?

Perhaps if you can't be arsed to read it, you shouldn't post on it.

TheBigJessie Thu 03-Oct-13 13:09:05

I have a confession to make:

^NK, if you don't read the thread, or at least the OP's comments, then you run the risk of blundering in, blaring a thoughtless and irrelevant opinion that only reveals your lack of comprehension, understanding and intelligence.
I'd hate for so many hundreds of posters to think of me as being thick as pigshit, so I avoid those circumstances. I like to delude myself that any comment I make shows some level of thought.^

is almost the exact reason why I almost always read the whole thread through! There is some level of compassion there, but also a hell of a lot of enlightened self-interest!

Thumbwitch Thu 03-Oct-13 13:04:29

"Although I suspect some dullards would still just read the OP and add their fuckwittery at the end anyway."

Never a truer word spoken, Pag. <sigh>

SilverApples Thu 03-Oct-13 12:32:41

'What all 480 replies? - get a life!'

NK, if you don't read the thread, or at least the OP's comments, then you run the risk of blundering in, blaring a thoughtless and irrelevant opinion that only reveals your lack of comprehension, understanding and intelligence.
I'd hate for so many hundreds of posters to think of me as being thick as pigshit, so I avoid those circumstances. I like to delude myself that any comment I make shows some level of thought.

ConfusedandDazed24 Thu 03-Oct-13 12:22:41

Nanny0gg and exexpat you both took the words right out of my mouth grin

squoosh Thu 03-Oct-13 11:47:04

I'm old skool, on a long thread I use Ctrl+F to skip to the OP's posts.

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Oct-13 11:46:54

Have just read final few & can see that DD is autistic which makes a huge difference obviously. Unclear why this wasn't in original post but can't read all to discover.

Then might one politely request that you don't bother to put your uninformed two penn'orth in then?

TheBigJessie Thu 03-Oct-13 11:44:42

In the old days, before auto-highlighting, people used to read the first two pages and the final two pages. It solved most, but not all problems.

There was also the "put the thread on one page" option plus ctrl+f to find the OP's name.

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