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aibu to ask what are peoples views on suicide .l. do you think its selfish

(86 Posts)
maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:57:29

Do you think it is wrong to find it selfish

expatinscotland Fri 27-Sep-13 21:28:24

My children are the only reason I have not ended my life after my daughter's death, so I know that someone who does commit suicide is very, very, very ill.

Iamsparklyknickers Fri 27-Sep-13 21:40:55

Suicide is something I've mused over many, many times. Not flippantly I may add but because of (thankfully failed) experiences around me.

I think OneStepCloser is right that most deaths induce feelings of anger and that the person gone has in some way done something unforgivable - suicide is just catagorised as the one thing that it's ok to express those feelings as it's perceived the person had a choice. I don't think that's true, certainly from the perspective of the suicidal person. I think dying from suicide is the same as having a disease, tumour, car crash - whatever. For your brain chemistry to allow you to override the basic human need to survive and actively bring about your own death is an illness.

Illness isn't something given to rhyme or reason, for all the reasons for suicide I've heard/read I've never seen one that I couldn't answer with a 'But'.... no reason is good enough when you're in a place that has already resigned you to think you're better off not there.

It's harder to accept a death without having any answers, and I truly hope that you find peace maddymoo, you will find a way to live with your new reality and how to be happy alongside your hurt and confusion.

SelectAUserName Sat 28-Sep-13 08:04:41

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, Maddy.

There is no template for grief. How you feel is how you feel, and completely valid.

I hope you have some RL support for you and your children. It's unlikely you will ever find answers to all the questions you have, but I hope in time you can come to terms with not knowing, and find peace.

Part of your husband wasn't working properly, and that led to his death. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't in your control to stop it or make it better, any more than it would be in your control to stop cancer or a heart attack.

Take care of yourself. thanks

peachypips Sat 28-Sep-13 09:35:11

It's even worse when it's so hidden that there is no warning. You poor thing Maddy. Anyone who says it is selfish has not felt that distress that means you feel you can't possibly go on.
Quite often people feel like their families would be happier and better off without them as someone else suggested. I remember feeling that everyone would be able to get on with life and be happy if I wasn't there. This is obviously wrong and the illness makes you feel like that.
To think of it as selfish is to think of mental illness as something you choose. You can't help being ill, and sometimes that illness sadly results in death.

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Sep-13 10:33:38

To think of it as selfish is to think of mental illness as something you choose

Very well put, peachypips

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 11:20:00

I think suicide can be a selfish act unfortunately. On man I know did it in such a way that it was clear it was timed and designed to cause maximum distress to those left behind. i.e. the wife that was about to leave him. If he'd simply been ill and thought the world would have been a better place without him, he'd have chosen a different method.

PeriodFeatures Sat 28-Sep-13 11:38:48


I hope you can find some peace and happy memories.

My understanding of suicide is it is a desperate act of someone who is ill. certainly not selfish.

can you start a memory album with your dc? photos? nice memories?

perhaps overtime to reframe the loss of your dh to be what it was, an illness that ended his life rather than the action he took to deal with his pain.

People in our culture are shit a coping with death. Death which is the result of a mental illness is still taboo and shouldnt be.

this culture o deniL dpesnt nhelp.

PeriodFeatures Sat 28-Sep-13 11:40:19

culture of denial..

Delilahlilah Sat 28-Sep-13 12:44:23

I think it is a common misconception to think of suicide as selfish.I think anger is a common stage of grief, and sometimes being angry and the concept of selfishness collide. It's easy to be angry and 'blame' them for a while. A relative of mine committed suicide when I was quite young, I think the stages of grief may have taken longer because of my age. First came being distraught and bewildered - why have they gone? Then angry at them, and for a while thinking they had been selfish - the effect on those left behind. Then came calm, and I began to understand just how desperate they must have been to think it, and go through with it. I still feel overwhelming sadness, and why I wasn't important enough for them to stay. The truth is I will never know what made it happen, I just need to know that they did what they thought they had to. I still get very upset, but I know I couldn't have changed anything. I'm sorry that's a bit rambling, I find it hard to talk about. I'm very sorry for your bereavement OP. You are doing an amazing job with your children.

There was a long thread on here a couple of months ago about this topic in (mostly) a thoughtful and more general way. If you are wanting to explore how people feel in the abstract it may be worth a look when you feel you can.

To think about how people feel about your husband in particular will be very difficult, as other people will be grieving as well, and probably feeling guilty too. I think over time people will hold on to the good memories and the negative feelings around the way he died will lessen.

I'm sorry for your loss, Maddy, and wish you all the best in keeping positive memories alive. xx

SunshineSuperNova Sat 28-Sep-13 12:58:40

Hello maddy. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. flowers

I lost my closest friend to suicide some years ago. My emotions were all over the place - I raged, I wept and went through huge lumps of anxiety. I blamed myself for not being a good enough friend. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

Thankfully it's long enough now that I can remember the good stuff and smile at memories of our time together.

Someone upthread mentioned Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide and they are amazing. I also had help from The Samaritans and bereavement counselling from Cruse.

In answer to your original question: no, I don't think people who take their own lives are selfish. I believe they reach a point where they can no longer cope or carry on. But it's okay to feel angry with them because of the hurt their action causes to those of us left behind.

Big hugs to you and your DC maddy. Be kind to yourself lovely. flowers

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