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aibu to ask what are peoples views on suicide .l. do you think its selfish

(86 Posts)
maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:57:29

Do you think it is wrong to find it selfish

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:34:23

He had no treatmemt as no ome knew there was an issue, we came back from spain and the next day he was gone. I look bk at spain amd him splashing aroumd with ds in pool laughimg and joking

DrCoconut Fri 27-Sep-13 19:40:31

My uncle committed suicide. I was very young so it is a totally different situation. But I don't think he was selfish. He was mentally broken by a very traumatic experience and couldn't cope.

forumdonkey Fri 27-Sep-13 19:40:51

My heart goes out to you maddy and my sincerest condolences. May I ask how long ago was it, it sounds like it wasn't too long? Have you been given any counselling? I too know someone who ended their life shortly after a holiday of a lifetime - very unexpected and with no (obvious) MH issues.

LoganMummy Fri 27-Sep-13 19:40:56

I found out that when someone has made the decision to end their own life they become more content so their last few days are really happy because to them, an end is in sight.

I question myself - are me and the DC not enough, are we not good enough, not worth living for etc? And thinking things like this hurts like hell.

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:42:57

Logan that is exactly it... why was we not enough ... why didnt he talk to me.. did I tell him I lovee him enough

CaptChaos Fri 27-Sep-13 19:47:24

I am so very sorry for your loss Maddy.

About 10 years ago I had a breakdown and attempted suicide. It seemed to be the only option left to me. I felt as if I was a terrible burden on everyone and that my children would be better off without me. I can see now that I was horribly wrong, but when your mind is that messed up it does make an awful lot of sense.

When I was much younger, my partner committed suicide. It was also very sudden, out of a clear blue sky, to this day, no one is really sure why he did it.

Do I think people who commit suicide are selfish? No, if they were in their right minds it's not something they would even contemplate.

I do hope you find some peace, take good care of yourself.

ElleMcFearsome Fri 27-Sep-13 19:48:17

Maddy, adding my sympathy to the other voices.

Samaritans also are very experienced in talking through how people feel about their loved one taking their own life. If you feel this would help you, please get in touch with them. They'll be happy to listen and maybe to help you unpick some of these feelings.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:51:38

I tried to kill myself three times when I was young. I ended up in the mhu on anti psychotics in the end.
I begin by telling you that I suppose in order to show that I know how it feels.
I really dont think it is as simple as selfish or not.
I felt I was helping the rest of the world by removing myself from it. That is the very opposite of selfish. But my mind was working in a very damaged way at the time and my thinking was warped, from the outside yes, it appeared selfish, like I wasnt thinking how others would feel.
but it simply isnt that straightforward.
if you do something because you truly believe it is the best thing for everyone and people will be happy but the reality is that you only believe that because you are ill - are you being selfish?
I would have to say no.

is it selfish to have a broken leg? Is it selfish to limp if you have a broken limp? No, of course not. The mind can be broken too, its a body part and things can and do go wrong. Is the person selfish because of that?

BillyBanter Fri 27-Sep-13 19:52:42

There are stages of grieving that apply to all death, not just suicide and anger is in there.

maddy would having some sort of memorial service help do you think? You could prepare a written eulogy saying what you want him to be remembered for.

willowstar Fri 27-Sep-13 20:23:38

No, not selfish. Incredibly sad, utterly devastating. When someone commits suicide they are really unwell and genuinely think they are doing the best thing for everyone by not being here anymore. I was like this twice in my life...but people I knew and worked with would never, ever have known, I was very good at keeping it all ok on the outside. I eventually got citalopram and sorted myself out.

So very sorry for what has happened to you and for your husband, he must have been really suffering. And I can only imagine this but if my husband did this I would be angry with him too.

KittensoftPuppydog Fri 27-Sep-13 20:25:20

Very sorry to hear about this. He must have been so I'll he thought he was doing the right thing. The mind can get very distorted.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Fri 27-Sep-13 20:36:23

Having experienced suicide, both personally and in society (trains/tubes count right?!) if you do not know the person and experience transport issues on a weekly basis due to suicide affecting thousands of people it is extremely easy to view suicide as selfish. Thousands vs 1 makes that very black and white even if in reality its far from that.

Personally, you can view it as selfish yes if you view it as about the people the person knows. IE I went to a funeral for a suicide that was 200+. It was frankly hell on earth. Hundreds of deeply affected upset and in some cases hysterical people. It is hard not to view creating that as anything but selfish......

.....but, my friend was plainly in mental torment. He couldnt find a way out of the pain. And it was pain. I knew more than I let on at the funeral. I couldnt stop him. I had neither the words or the knowledge or the ability. Some things just are.

And that, thats something I live with. The juxtaposition of suicide is enormous. The ripples it causes are like an ocean. They hit Cornwall and New York. Some days it doesnt register with me. And others it hits like a tsunami. Is that my selfish nature or his....? Its all in the eye of the beholder sometimes.....

PedlarsSpanner Fri 27-Sep-13 20:38:36

I am so sorry Maddy

Coconutty Fri 27-Sep-13 20:39:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars Fri 27-Sep-13 20:39:23

For the person doing it, it's the least selfish thing in the world.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Fri 27-Sep-13 20:41:48


Thats how my friend described it. His head hurt. For any other body part theres no stigma to going to a doctor. I suggested that to him and he looked a me like I was nuts the cheeky git.

its the only moment in my life i wish i could return to. but i know in my heart it would never end differently.

probablyhadenough Fri 27-Sep-13 20:44:35

Maddy - it seems wrong to read and not post. This must be incredibly, incredibly hard for you. To answer your question, I don't think you can apply a word like selfish to suicide. It suggests that normal impulses, healthy mindsets and rational thinking are involved in the decision. I have no direct experience but your dh was obviously very ill when he decided on suicide. And most certainly it was not your fault in any way. I wish you well.

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 20:44:39

It's not 'selfish' but it is confusing and hard to understand for a lot of people.
I honestly don't know what I would think if I were in your situation other than I am sure I would have a million conflicting emotions. Perhaps your friends and family really don't know what to think either? Are you able to tell them that you understand they may have mixed emotions but you want to be able to talk about your husband. They may welcome some concrete guidance from you.

Are you getting any counselling?

I wonder what the response would be if someone died of something that they 'did' to themselves such as smoking, overeating, alcoholism, drug addiction or drink driving?

I feel so sorry for you and so sorry for your children. I hope everything works out ok.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Fri 27-Sep-13 20:48:38

Maddy, i saw him the week before. I would never have known he would do that, but when I heard I was not surprised. Dunno cant explain it. It was like it was always there just neither of us knew how to put it. but my god could he hide it. he was the life, the soul, the good looking sonofa b you wish you knew. i remember him laughing and i cannot see what he did, in that memory. it just doesnt exist. its not possible. and im still so fucking mad at the mf cunt so many years later but..... its not me not even close its his world and his choice even if he felt he had no choice

no comfort but maybe i sincerely hope some understanding from me and definitely sympathy for you at least.....

gymphobe Fri 27-Sep-13 20:53:38

im so sorry for your loss. x

when my mom tried to kill herself I remember feeling very angry. How dare she leave me. I was so young. ..

when I was much older, my brother attempted suicide. I remember feeling desperately sad and that it was selfish to guilt and force someone to stay in a life they don't want.

now. All I know is that I still feel desperately sad and helpless for those who feel they can't go on..but im certain there is no selfishness to it. Only hurt.

nothernexposure Fri 27-Sep-13 21:04:08

Hi Maddy

Don't know if you know about it but there's an organisation called SOBBS (Survivors of bereavement by suicide). I don't know whether getting in touch with them would be any help. I get the impression they've all been 'through it' so might be a good place to get some support. Hope you can take care of yourself and find some peace and support with this horrible horrible situation.

itsonlyme85 Fri 27-Sep-13 21:11:25

As a child who found their mother after she commuted suicide, i will always think of my mum as selfish. I miss my mum dearly and hope she found peace in the end, but i cannot ever forget what happened that day. And having to explain to my family and her friends il never forgive her. I am still Please if this is about you try to get yourself help there is a lot available, even talk to a close friend please talk to someone thanks

itsonlyme85 Fri 27-Sep-13 21:15:17

So sorry i dint read the rest of the post, sorry to hear about your husband, sorry if what i said offended you or upset you in anyway. X

MistressDeeCee Fri 27-Sep-13 21:20:42

I do feel suicide is selfish. It can traumatise family/loved ones left behind for the rest of their lives.

I also feel sorry to the heart for people who feel theres no way out of any dilemma or problem they may be facing, than to end their lives.

Its a very difficult subject

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Fri 27-Sep-13 21:25:00

As someone who has been v v suicide, no its not selfish.

I'm so sorry for.your loss.x

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