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Not to let my dc's got to cousin's birthday party?

(73 Posts)
CookieDoughKid Fri 27-Sep-13 16:17:53

Me and my dH's side fallen out BIG time. Not seen any of them in a year.
Lots of shit happened and I left his family with no doubt they don't give a shit about me. I got the invite as SIL wants to 'do the right thing'.

I don't want to go because
a) I can't trust myself to behave. I can be polite suppose but I can damn be frosty when I want to.
b) It will cause me anquish to see particular members of their family (as well as sadness that we are where we are).
c) can't comprehend & bear my dc's sitting in same room as Uncle X who was twice arrested over child sexual offences involving both my dc's (but remained unconvicted for therapy instead).

I feel I should go because
a) I'm denying my dcs a relationship with any of dh's family
b) dc's asked to see gps/uncles/aunts etc and asking why they can't. They are both toddler age.

Dh - doesn't give a shit about his family (for the majority)

My gut reaction is no, I'm not big or brave enough for this but feel that morally, I'm not doing the right thing by my dcs.


wonderingsoul Fri 27-Sep-13 16:20:16

i was about to say get a grip and grow up till i got to c.

i would tell them as long as uncle scum isnt there you will go.

HeySoulSister Fri 27-Sep-13 16:22:10

he was arrested but not convicted?

cubedmelon Fri 27-Sep-13 16:24:19

I was going to say you should go but the uncle changes everything. Stay far, far away.

Im a bit surprised the SIL would even put you in the position of having to see the uncle again! How very considerate of her.

LondonJax Fri 27-Sep-13 16:24:28

You are doing exactly the RIGHT thing by your kids if you protect them from being abused. Tell them either he goes off the list or your children don't come. They don't be missing anything if your DH family don't support them against the uncle.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 27-Sep-13 16:26:16

Reason C is enough to stop me from going. Maybe ask if he will be there? Also if he is there would you want your kids to be around people who feel sexual abuse is acceptable by allowing him to be around?

CookieDoughKid Fri 27-Sep-13 16:27:11

yes. Arrested both times for full (co-erced and indecent exposure), found with downloaded child (only) porn on his devices. Police were monitoring him for a long time but didn't get the evidence they needed to arrest him until he mentioned my son by his real name in a peodophile ring. He was arrested but not convicted as he was technically a minor at the time.

CookieDoughKid Fri 27-Sep-13 16:29:10

The elephant in the room is that dh's entire family think I have been OTT about this and that there son is fine and they I am the mad one. Despite the evidence, despite the arrests and despite my daughter going on record.

FixItUpChappie Fri 27-Sep-13 16:29:25

can't comprehend & bear my dc's sitting in same room as Uncle X who was twice arrested over child sexual offences involving both my dc's (but remained unconvicted for therapy instead).

Eh? Of course you shouldn't go.

Perhaps appropriate family can come and see the kids at your house if you feel they are missing out.

wheredidiputit Fri 27-Sep-13 16:29:29

c) can't comprehend & bear my dc's sitting in same room as Uncle X who was twice arrested over child sexual offences involving both my dc's (but remained unconvicted for therapy instead). For this reason alone they wouldn't come within a mile of me.

As your DH agrees with you don't feel guilty about not wanting to have relationship with his brother and protect your children.

wheretoyougonow Fri 27-Sep-13 16:30:02

I agree with the others. Why on earth would you want to put your children in that situation. Don't feel guilty. Explain why you are turning down the offer.
I would stay away from the whole family as they clearly haven't taken child abuse seriously. Stay strong thanks

Frenchfemme Fri 27-Sep-13 16:34:14

Please please DO NOT GO! Look after your family and yourself, and keep strong.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 16:34:14

They are bonkers, they are in denial about the uncle, and your kids need protecting.

do not go play happy families with them when they are all pretending all is well.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 27-Sep-13 16:35:38

Sorry to hear about your kids op. Please do not take your kids and spend any more time dwelling over this. Its simple, you are protecting your kids and that's that.
I'm totally shocked how anyone else in the family accepts this. Your family do not need to be around people who thinks that mans actions are not serious.

EldritchCleavage Fri 27-Sep-13 16:36:31

Avoid the lot of them. The uncle is dangerous and actually, so are they for effectively aiding and abetting. How will your kids feel having to see him? What will it say to them about you-'I told my mum but she says I have to see him?' No no no.

CeliaFate Fri 27-Sep-13 16:42:52

Your child was mentioned by name in a paedophile ring.
Just keep saying that to yourself if you're in any doubt.
Of course you shouldn't go and shouldn't have contact with any of them while they continue to excuse an abuser.

PumpkinPie2013 Fri 27-Sep-13 16:44:33

YANBU Avoid the lot of them like the plague!

DoudousDoor Fri 27-Sep-13 16:46:25

Have you already had a thread about this last year? Nappy fetish? (sorry if muddling it).

I definitely think don't go. You are protecting your children. You do not need to be made to feel you are the one being unreasonable.

Dh's family should also want to protect your children. They obviously don't.

Also don't worry about toddlers asking to see the family. Trust me, when older, if they find out they weren't allowed to see family because they were being abused/at risk of being abused they will thank you for it - not blame you for stopping them going!

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 27-Sep-13 16:48:31

yanbu - objectively I can pity your IL family and vaguely understand that they want to support BIL, as he was still a minor at the time of the offences. But this is far, far too big an ask of you and your children.

MimiSunshine Fri 27-Sep-13 16:54:09

Don't go, don't feel bad for going but on the basis that SIL extended an olive branch and doesn't want to lose contact with you and your kids. I'd send her a short note to say you and family won't be attending (maybe this should come from DH is it his sister or his brothers wife?) due to uncles actions and even if he wasn't there you don't want to have to pretend there is no issue with the family members who see things differently and nor would you want to ruin the birthday celebrations with a scene.
Include a present for the cousins as it's not their fault and maybe arrange for the children to meet up afterwards. Your kids must have gone through a lot and if they're missing their cousins then they may feel like they're being punished

CookieDoughKid Fri 27-Sep-13 17:00:22

DousdousDoor - yes - well remembered.

Thank you everybody. Actually, I have had a lot of amazing support from you peeps before when the whole saga was going on during the investigations. My dcs are safe, with me, and totally under my watch.

Dh's family are not in denial but they have majorly 'minimised' the situation because it's just been too awful for them to cope with it (and they also shot my family down AND accused me of being raised incorrectly me - And THUS, I'm raising my dcs). Better to shoot the messenger RIGHT? That's what I meant by they don't give a shit about me.

It's been a year since the 'saga' and I wobble sometimes, about 'doing the right thing'. Nothing worse than your heart strings being pulled. Dc's too young to 'understand' really. Dh's family get that what Uncle did was bad but they can't understand why I 'can't get over myself' - hence I'm the mad one.

So anyhow, thanks for responding. I believe I'm doing the right thing - so thanks very much for confirming that.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Fri 27-Sep-13 17:04:27

You are doing the right thing. You are protecting your children.

StrangeGlue Fri 27-Sep-13 17:09:11

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Not only for not putting your kids in the uncle'a presence but also for removing them from people who think that's 'no big deal' - I would be able to trust them.

StrangeGlue Fri 27-Sep-13 17:09:31

WouldN'T !

pigletmania Fri 27-Sep-13 17:10:05

I was going to say get a grip, but no no no you have to protect your children. I just wouldn't trust them, they are supporting uncle scum for allowing him to be around children

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