AIBU about Mil funeral?(53 Posts)
I don't know if this is a problem due to different views/ culture / individual choice.
Mil died last week. Im devastated. I was her Carer for 3 years. We had a quirky, caring & respectful relationship.
Dp & Sil really didn't give a shit. Mil wasn't a good mum but for last 10 years she'd really tried to make amends. She was an excellent grandmother.
Dp & Sil have scrimped on the funeral. There's only a hearse. I've offered to pay for a limo but Sil said no. Dp & Sil are both tight gits but this takes the piss. There's no wake organised- again i offered to organise & pay for it but Sil said she'd do it but hasn't. Theres no order of service. Cheap flowers off the internet... That sort of thing.
I see it as a lack of thought & respect for their mother. They are blaming each other & winding each other up. No one is actually doing anything. Dp i& Sil took what they wanted out of Mil house. I've cleared it. Even pulling up carpets etc- Im 23 weeks pregnant.
I must point out neither would have to pay for anything as once everything is sorted all costs will be covered.
So AIBU?? Im angry at both of them. I have distanced myself from all funeral arrangments as so embarressing. Do i need to step back as she wasn't my mum & accept my background means a funeral is considered as equal to a wedding. Dp i& Sil are entitled to organise or not organise their mothers funeral any way they like. Cultures have very different views on funerals but i feel they are just Lazy, disorganised & mean...!
I think it is true that funerals mean more to you than to many people, so you are especially upset. You are not going to win on the funeral, as it is shared with others who have had a very different experience of your MIL and quite possibly a different style of marking such things anyway.
Why not find your own way to make a memorial to her? You can have a tree planted, perhaps in a green burial site, and use that as a place to remember her. Or make a book of photos and her favourite sayings, recipes, whatever. You can show it to your baby when s/he is older.
Find another way to honour the memory of the woman you loved, just for you.
You have a baby coming, it is not a good time for a festering row with DP or for you to get exhausted.
I think they probably have strong memories of unhappy childhood and may feel you only saw MIL after she'd mellowed.
Also, you say that they're not big spenders generally. Maybe they don't like to spend money on flowers, limos etc because they regard it as an unnecessary expense, not just a reflection on their relationship with their mother.
They just don't spend money if at all possible...
As I've pointed out the funeral isn't costing either of them a penny.
I met mil 14 years ago but had nothing to do with her as she was an alcoholic-just like my own mother. I know what she was like.
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