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I am prepared to be told I am being precious but AIBU?

(39 Posts)
ShadeofViolet Thu 26-Sep-13 18:32:04

Background - I am a SAHM, DH is SE and works away from home sometimes, but is home for this week (and the next 5 weeks if that makes any difference). We have DD age 4 and DS2 and 6 (DS1 is 12)

This morning I have a very upset DS (he has ASD and is a school refuser) and an upset DD (just started school and having a bit of a wobble). i aSKED DH if he could help me walk them to school - I have to carry DS most of the way when he is school refusing. dh says he cant, because he wants to get to the barbers and have his hair cut, and if he waits then he will be in a queue. SO i walk the mile to school, carrying a heavy DS while trying to console them both. DD goes into school sobbing and DS is shouting. Once they have gone in I stand in the playground and cry.

Would this upset you? On the one hand I know I am a SAHM and this is my 'job', but I am so fucked off at his attitude and leaving me to struggle alone, and it is a struggle some days. He is off on a boys golfing weekend this week and I feel like changing the locks (I wont, but still!)

NoSquirrels Thu 26-Sep-13 20:00:27

Both my DH and I are self-employed and sometimes work from home, sometimes from an office. Regardless of who is officially on "childcare duty" that day, we would both help out even if it wasn't our "turn" to do the school run.

I would be disgusted if my partner and father of my children gave me the line about needing to be in a barbers shop early so as not to queue. He is working from home, he could have juggled. What a prize arse.

Are you booking a weekend off sometime too? I would.

WhoNickedMyName Thu 26-Sep-13 19:59:59

I can't imagine having that conversation with my DH, him coming up with that totally shit excuse, and me going "um ok" and taking the children to school on my own.

Do you have problems being assertive in general, or just with your selfish cock of a DH?

raisah Thu 26-Sep-13 19:52:50

If your son has ASD you could apply for school transport if your area has the facility. It will give you & him some stability, routine and breathing space. I got it for my ds, xall your LEQ & see if its not too late for this term. It is tough having to do the school ru. With reluctant kids, particularly one with additional needs & your dh should be more supportive.

BumgrapesofWrath Thu 26-Sep-13 19:25:25

YANBU. However, if I want my DH to do something I am pretty insistent about it, so maybe you should be a bit more assertive.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 26-Sep-13 19:19:28


Had not thought of that.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 26-Sep-13 19:14:34

Is it possible your DS gets his ASD from your DH? It can be genetically carried down, my DS definitely got it form his Dad! It could explain why he does things like this?

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Thu 26-Sep-13 19:14:31

Your h sounds selfish and vain. Not a good combo.

WafflyVersatile Thu 26-Sep-13 19:13:20

What does SE mean?

I'd suggest you suggest this 6 weeks would be a good time for him to get some practice in on the school run and being the one that sorts out your DS and a few other parenting responsibilities with you there too, to support. As this will help him cope if you die or run away with the circus or, oh, I dunno, have a day off.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 26-Sep-13 19:08:01

Do you think he feels unconfident? If so, Practice makes Perfect

PippaMiddleton Thu 26-Sep-13 19:04:22

Right, so you being a SAHM absolves your DH of all parental responsibilities?

He needs a reality check - and fast.


christinarossetti Thu 26-Sep-13 19:02:22

If you need his help with the school run over the next few weeks, you need to tell him and come to some agreement about sharing the load.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Thu 26-Sep-13 19:00:57

Change the locks! What a dick. YANBU.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 26-Sep-13 18:58:09

It is really hard when the child favours one parent and that is the parent that habitually does the shitwork. However, he could have made it a big deal to have them show him their school again, to want to come as a special treat and so on. It could have made things a lot easier.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 26-Sep-13 18:54:48

What happens at the weekends/evenings?

ShadeofViolet Thu 26-Sep-13 18:53:38

Does he fully appreciate your son's requirements? Why does he willfully do things that provoke him, e.g. the car?

I honestly think it was a bad judgment on his part. I dont think he does understand DS's issues. Its very hard, especially as DS is like a velcro kid, so he automatically refers to me, and I can calm him down, understand him etc, which DH struggles with.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 26-Sep-13 18:52:57

... Can you tell I've had a bad couple of days ? (and I work now, but was a SAHM for a long time) grin

ShadeofViolet Thu 26-Sep-13 18:50:52

He isn't off work for 6 weeks, he is working from home.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 26-Sep-13 18:50:29

That's the shittest excuse I've heard. I thought you were going to say he had to get to work and I'd be riled about that, so YANBU

It is not your job. Your job was carrying them, giving birth and feeding (if you ebf). When he is there he should be sharing in parenting them.

Continue to feel fucked off. It's very easy, as a SAHM to slip into the idea that you are always there for the crap parts and the difficult decisions and to be the default thinker and carer.

Squitten Thu 26-Sep-13 18:50:25

Does he fully appreciate your son's requirements? Why does he willfully do things that provoke him, e.g. the car?

StuntGirl Thu 26-Sep-13 18:48:06

Why is he off work for 6 weeks?

How much time off do you get?

How much parenting is he going to be doing over the next 6 weeks?

ShadeofViolet Thu 26-Sep-13 18:46:23

How often does he do the school run?

He has done it once sad. We had an disagreement about it because he drove them in the car, even though I said it as a bad idea, DS kicked off and got really upset. School called me after an hour because they just couldn't calm him down.

I normally like doing it, so its not normally an issue. Its just with the start of a new year DS is unhappy, and DD is just a bit nervous, with a little bit of copying her brother tbh.

YoniMatopoeia Thu 26-Sep-13 18:44:29

Let him do the school run for the next 5 weeks while you get your hair/nails/face done.

StuntGirl Thu 26-Sep-13 18:43:34

I'd have given this face hmm to that response from my partner.

Does he have an exceptionally busy day today that meant he had to go to the barber's that exact moment?

christinarossetti Thu 26-Sep-13 18:41:41

How often does he do the school run? I ask because it sounds like he doesn't do it much and doesn't understand how difficult it is for you.

I think sometimes work or the like is used as an excuse to avoid difficult situations with children and people need to be called on it

Yama Thu 26-Sep-13 18:41:27

How uncaring. Think you are going to get a unanimous YANBU ShadeOfViolet. I couldn't respect such a selfish uncaring man.

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