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To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

(271 Posts)
JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:14:44

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:43

So for those saying its sexist - should DDs wishes of doing the crafty things with just her best friends then being joined by their classmates be ignored in the interest of sexual equality? It's her birthday, surely it's the one time she gets to choose what she would like to do?

whattodoo Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:53

Blimey, you're going to need some redbullstamina to survive a 3.5hr 6yo party!

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:24:22

So the girls get to do both things and the boys just get to do one and you have decoded on the basis of gender that they will not like an activity and you think this is OK?!!

Ffs. I could scream in frustration, why do parents reinforce this kind of crap gender stereotyping?!! angry

I have a boy who lobes crafts, and bouncy castles, and it wouldn't be hard to lay on a craft activity for all, if you can't afford for them to all do both activities you shouldn't have invited so many!!!

cornflakegirl Thu 26-Sep-13 14:24:22

I wouldn't like the gender stereotyping - maybe the boy whose mum made a comment would really like to do the craft? But if handing out invitations at home time is normal, and your DD wasn't being mean to those who didn't get an invitation, then I wouldn't have a problem with that.

rubyslippers Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:02

so choose crafts that all kids can do - but by the way boys can make wands and wings too

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:11

Yes she can choose what to do but you make sure this suitable for all those invited, you dotn just invite some kids to only half the party!!

VanitasVanitatum Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:20

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?! If op can only afford crafts for half the party and the boys wouldn't enjoy it (I'm sure op knows her dd's friends) then why is this such an issue?

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:34

If she wants to do crafts with just her best friends then that is the party. You don't have a second tier. Although tbh at 6 I would be - and have - put my foot down very firmly about gender segregation. I don't allow it with those numbers of children.

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:41

should DDs wishes of doing the crafty things with just her best friends then being joined by their classmates be ignored in the interest of sexual equality?

Yes. Your DD needs to be taught the social niceties of life by you. She isn't doing craft "with her best friends" she's doing it with just the girls.

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:02

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??

grin. sounds like it.

Squitten Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:19

Not inviting the whole class is fine but you could at least display some tact and not flaunt the fact in front of the other children.

As a Mum of 2 sons, however, if you had invited my son and I found out that was the arrangement, he would not be coming. How sad for all the boys to arrive to a party in full-swing and realise they have missed out!

Bunch of utter sexist crap and you should be ashamed

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:33

I think that's a bit of a weird party, sorry. I'd have had both activities available at once, so anyone who didn't fancy wand-making could go for a bounce and vice versa.

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:53

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?!

I used to yes. But I didn't then invite the men for a second tier of party later.

Stravy Thu 26-Sep-13 14:27:55

Sometimes you have to balance "It's my party and I'll do what I want" with "I won't exclude people with insanely outdated, and frankly offensive views on gender." Right now I think that you haven't quite got the balance right. My dd1 is having her 1st sleepover for her bday. She wants 3 friends and only wants 7 to her party. I am letting her have the sleepover, but only on a different day to the party because I don't think it's nice to tell 4 little girls that they are the 2nd tier of a party.

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:27:57

Inviting 18 out of 30 is fine btw, tho I try to keep it to half the class or less. And at our school invites get put in bookbags and parents tend to not look at them until out of the playground so its not so in your face if not all are invited. But as they get older they understand they can't and won't be invited to all parties, handign them out at the end of the day was fine (assuming you didn't make a big show of doing it!) smile

cornflakegirl Thu 26-Sep-13 14:28:28

If your DD wants to do crafty things with her best friends, why not do that on a separate day, with just her best friends, rather than all the girls?

3birthdaybunnies Thu 26-Sep-13 14:28:48

Oh yes forgot Harry Potter didn't need wand and cloak. I find it is better to have boys and girls together. Some (dd2) loves blue, guts and gore, others (dd2's best friend - male) loves wands, fairies and pink.

Some children will be upset but there is nothing wrong with only inviting 18/30. If children make comments to my dc I tell them to say that they invited their friends who are friends all year.

So go on tell us about the 'bit different to usual' invites and how these differed by boys and girls, you know you want you.

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:29

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?!

No. We have friends nights, not girls nights. Male and females both welcome. Same for my hen night. Males and females present.

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:30

stravy exactly you are handling it the right way, so they are two separate events.

I can't believe anyone thinks its OK to invite some of the children to half the party and to split it by gender....

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:49

No he wouldn't, cornflake girl, he told dd she was stupid when she suggested he join in their fairy games at the park. All the boys invited are very much anti-anything girly. Me inviting them at the same time and giving them the opportunity to make some sparkly wings would hardly make them have an epiphany and think that actually, doing girly things (in front of their friends who'd mock them for it) is a great idea.

roweeena Thu 26-Sep-13 14:30:12

Yes if my son was invited to a party like this I think I would decline the invitation - this sort of gender sterotping is disgraceful on par with princess parties.

Is this a wind up?

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:30:16

Sometimes you have to balance "It's my party and I'll do what I want" with "I won't exclude people with insanely outdated, and frankly offensive views on gender." Right now I think that you haven't quite got the balance right.

Understatement of the week award goes to Stravy thanks cake wine

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:26

Her best friends happen to be girls, SoupDragon, last year her best friends included boys and she did extra birthday activities with them. She thinks in terms of who's her friend at the time of her party, not whether they're a boy or girl.

Suzieismyname Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:30

12 out of 30 is a large enough number to not be shunning anyone (unless it's 10/11 boys and 2/1 girls) in particular. We did a whole class party for DD1 in reception but won't be repeating that this year.

The crafts/ castle split is a bit bizarre. You could make masks or something unisex?

elQuintoConyo Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:44

Your party, your rules.

But this is AIBU and YABU.

Unisex crafts would have been a better idea, with a couple of other activities for those boys AND girls who don't like crafts to do before the bouncy castle climax.

Your daughter sounds very level-headed, mature enough to be made aware of the sexism.

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