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To judge DH's friends

(21 Posts)
Bellini28 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:23:31

Ok this is not about questioning his loyalty to me but rather his loyalty to them.. DH and a few close friends work in same field but not in same country so when they get together they party as hard as they work... As they are very high earners they always tend to have certain types of get together.. Anyway DH is quite the child when he drinks and is not that good at evading my inquisition plus he leaves paper trails so I am fully aware of where they go, what they spend etc. anyway what I have realised is that these guys are not particularly faithful... Meaning for them the odd indiscretion doesn't count. DH says I'm wrong to judge and it's not my business, however I do judge and I judge him also for seeing it as boys business and not his concern if they cheat on their wives... Plus in a way if he turns a blind eye and doesn't judge isn't he therefore condoning and in a way thinks it is acceptable to be newly
engaged yet has spent the night with a random Ukranian woman....

This is causing rows and he can't see why I care. AIBU?

WorraLiberty Mon 23-Sep-13 21:27:03

Do you care because you're worried he'll cheat on you?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 21:28:52

I would presume a man like that was cheating on me.

flummoxedlummox Mon 23-Sep-13 21:31:45

Did he call it "boys business" or is that your term?

Topseyt Mon 23-Sep-13 21:34:55

I wouldn't like this either. You say he is "quite the child" when he drinks, and some people become more vulnerable and open to outside influences when they drink.

Personally, I don't find their behaviour acceptable, and feel rather sorry for their girlfriends / fiances.

I do trust my husband, but would not be happy if he went on a lads' night out with lads who I knew were out "on the pull", so to speak. I would be very uncomfortable with that. There is such a thing as too much temptation, I'm sorry to say.

Bellini28 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:37:24

My term.. But I do find his nonchalant attitude bothers me....
I am just wondering how I would feel if I had girlfriends who got up to the same kind of thing a few times a year... Would I judge or think it's not my business...? Would DH judge? How would he feel if I went away with a couple of girlfriends who thought nothing of spending the night with some hot guy etc....

Bellini28 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:41:07

This is it Topseyt he gets cross and says he has no interest in doing anything with anyone but can't control his friends and the women they bring to the table etc... I trust him but this is causing arguments because I judge and then he defends... I understand these are friendships that go back to earlier days but it makes me upset I guess...

LynetteScavo Mon 23-Sep-13 21:41:23

I would think if he condones others behaving like this, he might think it acceptable himself.

My DH is very hmm about his friends who may have been unfaithful. And very, very hmm about colleagues.

Lj8893 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:45:23

It would bother me. Not because it meant i was worried about my dp cheating on me, but it would concern me that he wasent bothered about the morals of cheating.

My dp has a few friends who are prone to the off indiscretion and he hates it, always tells them off for it and won't go anywhere with those friends where he is going to be a "witness". He's always moaning about their behaviour to me!

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 21:46:38

"says he has no interest in doing anything with anyone but can't control his friends and the women they bring to the table etc"

You know that's what all the blokes in the group say to their wives, right?

Lj8893 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:46:58

And I know my dp would think badly of me if I condoned my friends behaviour if they acted like that.

flummoxedlummox Mon 23-Sep-13 21:53:41

The nonchalance is worrying, however, you say a few friends, I think context is essential. If say it was him and three friends and the other three were doing this then you are YADNBU. If however if it was a group of him and seven friends and only two act this was then you are still NBU, but less so, just due to his attitude, I think anyway.

I only say this because I've been with groups of friends where one or two have been cheating. I made them aware I wouldn't do this and would in no way be used as an excuse, i.e. "I'm out with Lummox". However, most of the rest of the lads saw it as no business of theirs as they were not friends with the partners.

Not my stance I hasten to add but a common one amongst men I know.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 22:22:52

If you trust him, you need to let it go.

Even if he admits you are right, what's he going to do? He can't change these people and they aren't people he regularly spends time with anyway.

What exactly are you expecting him to do about it?

TigOldBitties Mon 23-Sep-13 22:31:20

I have a friend, one of my closest friends actually, who cheats on her husband regularly. I'd be quite insulted if DH then insinuated I was cheating on him because I'm friends its her and I spend time with her.

I don't think it's that bigger deal but I can see how it would make you a bit suspicious. However you've said it's obvious what he's been up to, so does that not prove you don't need to worry.

I would try and talk to him about it without getting angry or arguing. Explain how it makes you feel, reiterate that you would not see this behaviour as acceptable and then let it go. He can't change their behaviour, they're his friends, it doesn't sound like they see eachother that much and you have no reason to feel that is copying their behaviour.

I imagine he defends it to you because it probably comes across like you're attacking his friends and him a bit so he will be on the defensive. It's a bit like if someone is slating your mum for a fault you know they have, it's hard not to defend them even though you know it's true.

Kiwiinkits Mon 23-Sep-13 23:48:06

I couldn't have a friend I didn't respect. And I don't respect liars. Which is what cheaters are.

YANBU. You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps.

SomethingOnce Mon 23-Sep-13 23:52:03

Why does he have such a-holes as friends?

Gossipmonster Mon 23-Sep-13 23:53:51

I dunno this is a real tricky one.

My OH is in the Navy and I know more than I really want to about what a lot of them get up to (the married guys are the worst).

OH is pretty honest about it and he is honest about the fact that he wasn't a good boy during his first marriage (and I was no angel during mine).

I don't judge them but I do think its a dangerous game to play.

I trust my OH and will continue to until a time where he gives me reason not to.

Jinsei Tue 24-Sep-13 00:05:50

YANBU. I would judge, and I would be questioning DH's values if he chose to spend his free time with people like that. sad

flummoxedlummox Tue 24-Sep-13 00:19:18

Kiwiinkits YANBU. You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps.

That's a bit harsh. For instance if OP's OH is real friends with a couple of the lads who don't do this but there are a a couple of lads also along he's "friendly" with who are also there that do?

FWIW I think sometimes you put up with some idiots because of your mates.

flummoxedlummox Tue 24-Sep-13 00:22:22

sorry meant to italicize YANBU. You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 01:57:21

Hell yes, I'd judge.

I'd judge my DH for wanting to spend time like this, with friends like this and I'd judge him for not judging, or if he did judge, for saying nothing in disapproval of it.

As I'm sure he'd judge you and your friends if you did the same.

But it shouldn't matter if he wouldn't, or if he says he wouldn't. It doesn't need to be reversed.

You say he leaves a paper trail. Where do these grotty men meet the women that they 'bring to their table'?

Are we talking sex joints and dancers/prostitutes, to add to the grimness of this?

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