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to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

(113 Posts)
CharlMascaras Mon 23-Sep-13 19:29:44

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

HairyToity Wed 12-Oct-16 20:03:53

Walk away if foregoing a child will make you bitter.

HairyToity Wed 12-Oct-16 20:02:56

You need to love him more than you want a child. My cousin has no children as her husband didn't want them (think it night be linked to him being oldest of 12). She enjoys travelling and her life with him. She decided she loved being with him more than a child.

IminaPickle Wed 12-Oct-16 19:09:36

50shadesofslim why don't you start a new thread explaining your situation. This is a very old thread and you'll get mainly responses to the OP.

mum2Bomg Wed 12-Oct-16 18:51:52

I broke up with someone 10yrs ago as they said they didn't want to get married or have children. They aren't married and they've had no children. I was married in May and expecting in November. You only get one life x

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 12-Oct-16 18:50:01

Although of course it would be interesting for OP to come back to her 3 year old thread and give us an update on her situation. grin

ConvincingLiar Wed 12-Oct-16 18:49:08

This is a zombie thread revived 3 years later so I hope that one way or another the OP has found peace and happiness.

50shadesofslim if you've changed your mind you need to give your partner a limited amount of time to reconsider. Then you decide what's most important to you. For me it would be children or the chance of them.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 12-Oct-16 18:48:24

Zombie thread

Dontpanicpyke Wed 12-Oct-16 18:41:46

No he's not being selfish if he was selfish he would continue to string you along.

He doesn't need to explain his reasons really if you don't want kids you don't and it's up to the individual.

His dd is 18 so he has been there and knows what a life long commitment kids are and he doesn't want to commit to another child.

Op please consider if you could live without children because I don't think he will change his mind and you need to understand your feelings and needs and not his.

SuramarMom Wed 12-Oct-16 18:41:23

Don't stay with him op, for the love of all that is holy don't stay.

I've seen your future and it isn't pretty.

My sister settled for a man who didn't want children, she thought he would be enough to fill that void.

Now it causes her extreme emotional pain to see her nieces and nephews because the bitterness, resentment and longing for what 'could' have been have warped her completely.

He left her for another woman soon after she hit the menopause.

Careforadrink Wed 12-Oct-16 18:37:55

I would leave

And I'm sorry I do see him saying no as selfish.

I've seen far too many 2nd wives give up their chance of motherhood when dp already had kids only to find themselves dumped for a younger model but having missed the boat biologically speaking.

With such a high divorce rate children trump men every time imo.

50shadesofslim Wed 12-Oct-16 18:30:58

I am in a similar position and still have no idea what to do, have you come to a decision? My OH has 2 children from a previous relationship. When we first got together I didn't want any children, but have since decided I do, I made my partner aware of this and his answer was basically no definitely not now, and I don't know about in the future. It's really getting me down for a number of reasons but mostly playing on my mind is - does he not see me as the mother of his children, what don't I have that the mother of his children does? I also have PCOS so am going to struggle conceiving - worried about that ticking baby clock sad

thebody Wed 25-Sep-13 18:26:23

I don't think he's selfish either. he doesn't want another child and you want to have one.

you either sacrifice your desire for the love if this man or you don't.

if you stay you can't resent.

only you can say how much having your own child jeans to you.

but don't hang around hoping he will change his mind as he may not and you may miss the boat.

thebody Wed 25-Sep-13 18:25:54

I don't think he's selfish either. he doesn't want another child and you want to have one.

you either sacrifice your desire for the love if this man or you don't.

if you stay you can't resent.

only you can say how much having your own child jeans to you.

but don't hang around hoping he will change his mind as he may not and you may miss the boat.

Jellybeanz1 Wed 25-Sep-13 18:18:17

If it's what you want you are going to be thinking this everytime something goes wrong in your relationship. Your sacrifice. I couldn't imaging not having my dc definitely the best decision I made, My dh wasn't keen so we had them late. He now admits best thing for him too. Why did I wait those 10 years for him to get his act together?

QuintessentialShadows Wed 25-Sep-13 18:12:12

Your situation is anyway very different Phyllis. You both have children, but not with each other.

I take the view that marriage is really for the benefit of protecting family assets. If a man and a woman marry and have children, the legal unity of marriage ensures that the assets stay within the family, if one of the adults should die, or in case of a stroke or life limiting illness where the spouse has certain rights.

When a man and a woman both have children, they are protecting the assets for their own children, in the event that they should die. The children will inherit their parent, not the partner!

bedhaven Wed 25-Sep-13 15:22:07

It's an incompatibility that you're not likely to get over. IMHO There is no point investing your time, energy and fertile years into someone who ultimately wants different things. For me, it was a very early new relationship question and was a deal breaker for anything serious.

Phylis81 Wed 25-Sep-13 15:05:57

yeah actually you both make good points and I suppose it is something I'll need to think about. I'm in no rush right now either way so I'm happy to stay as things are for now. Maybe I'll bring it up again in a years time and see how he feels about it and decide whether we're going to be compatible or not.

Ragwort Wed 25-Sep-13 14:30:19

LittlePeaPod makes a very good point to Pyllis81 - surely if your DP has to be 'pressurised' into marriage then it clearly isn't the right thing to do - if he is saying he 'will think about it in two years time' - do you really want to be hanging around in the hope that he will change his mind hmm? If marriage is so important to you then I would walk away from that guy with my dignity rather than having to 'beg' him to get married.

BarnYardCow Wed 25-Sep-13 13:27:37

I would leave too, your biological clock can tick for a long time, if anything happened to him, you may find it too late to have children with someone else.

LittlePeaPod Wed 25-Sep-13 13:20:15

Phylis81 please take this the right way. I am honestly interested in knowing your thoughts. Do you really want to get married to someone that in their heart of hearts doesn't want to get married? To know they are only doing it because you forced or emotionally blackmailed them into it? It conjurs up images of a shot gun wedding to me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry someone knowing they were doing it under duress rather than because it felt right for them as it does for me.

flipchart Wed 25-Sep-13 12:57:16

It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it

It's not selfish. It's an opinion some people have. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
It could be argued that it is selfish to expect someone to marry you despite them doing it before and you weren't happy.

All it is is different expectations. Nothing wrong with them just not compatible to a relationship where people want different things.

Phylis81 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:41:28

I would definitely leave. I'm in a similar situation, my DP has had the snip so we can't have anymore kids - I accept that as we both have children so neither of us are missing out there.

However, he has the same attitude about marriage as your DP does "been there, done that, don't really want to do it again." and I don't accept that. It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it. My DP now says he will try and get his head around the idea of marriage and "thinks" he will be ok with it in a couple of years. I'm going to give it around 2 years and if we're not at least engaged by then I'll probably end up leaving which will break my heart but if he doesn't love me enough to see how important this is to my life then he obviously isn't the one. Same with your DP.

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 25-Sep-13 01:36:19

Walk away OP.

I know a lovely women, who really wanted children, but spent 10 years with someone who didn't. He was always upfront about this, but she was so in love and thought he'd make such a good father that he would change his mind. He didn't.

Now they've split and health problems mean she wouldn't be able to conceive. Very, very sad.

Don't let that be you.

MiauMau Wed 25-Sep-13 00:37:23

You could try a deadline.
I had a big talk with DH who was weary due to our age difference (he's younger than me) and gave him a deadline which was a bit over a year. I was really surprised when months later, inspired by my sister's pregnancy, he told me that we should make a baby as it would be beautiful.

Bogeyface Wed 25-Sep-13 00:22:03

Morloth I agree, I dont think he is being selfish. Quite the opposite actually. He must know that by saying he definitely doesnt want the two things that the OP wants most, he is risking their relationship but has been honest and given her the chance to decide rather than realise 10/15/20 years down the line that she was taken for a ride.

The question is what means more to the OP, never having children or never having him? For me, I have to say that I would sacrifice this relationship in order to have children.

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