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To hate sharing parenting with my ex?

(28 Posts)
JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 11:06:07

My ex and I separated 4 years ago and have a 6 year old. She is fantastic but one of the main reasons I left him was that he had nothing to do with her; it got to the point where she'd cry when he entered the room because he was shouty and he made our life a misery. For the first 2 years after we separated dd was inconsolable at the thought of contact and had to be physically restrained to get her into his car. He didn't care. He'd put her back in nappies when toilet trained, let her draw on walls, eat junk all day - anything to make my life difficult and his easier. Now she's 6 dd still doesn't want to go to contact but accepts she has to. I am positive about it and have never bad mouthed her father but time and time again he lets her down and makes things harder than necessary. For example; he promised her 3 days out/weekends away over the summer but didn't do any of them. He promised her a birthday party - it didn't happen. For last Christmas and this birthday he's simply wrapped up his own expensive gadgets and pretended they're new ones that are gifts for her. Meanwhile, within a few weeks of Christmas/her birthday he has a weekend away with his girlfriend - courtesy of the money given to dd as gifts from his family. He sees her twice monthly only, never extra in holidays. He takes no responsibility for her and in my opinion, does not deserve her in the slightest.

I, on the other hand, spent hours and hours on a really thoughtful gift for dd. Have spent weeks organising and planning a birthday party she loved. Scrimped and saved to take her away in the holidays. I do her homework with her, read with her everyday, brush her teeth, get her to school on time etc. I don't expect a medal; these are things mums all over the world do - I know. But I so wish her father wasn't around to take the shine off everything. Dd adored her gift and party from me but whenever talking about her birthday she always ends with 'remember he promised a party but didn't do it?' Or 'why did he pretend to give me something that belongs to him?' AIBU to hate sharing her with him and to wish he'd leave us to it?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 24-Sep-13 11:58:29

Out of interest is he in a position to self fund legal stuff?

Because legal aid for family law has now been removed.

It might be worth attempting to make contact child led,by that I mean if she does not want to go refuse to force her just tell him she does not want to. And just see what he does because he may very well not bother doing anything now that financially it wouldn't be so easy.

cjel Tue 24-Sep-13 14:45:25

I'd not make her think'she has to go' if she doesn't want to go don't make her. This child is having at least 8-10 days a month when she is disturbed. This should be stopped.
I don't think that if you stopped visits he would get an enforcement or if they did could make it a supervised visit or contact centre. trust your feelings that its not right.

JohFlow Tue 24-Sep-13 14:45:32

I have a similar situation I am afraid OP. There is a point where I have realised that my ex is using contact as a way of annoying/harassing/undermining me (i.e. through my ds). I have concerned of the impact of contact on my son and have made in-roads into taking out a Non-Molestation Order via the family court system. This protects both my ds and I from acts/words that would make us annoyed/fearful/agitated etc. This is maybe something to consider if mediatory steps do not work.

And good for you - being the responsible one against all this rubbish xx

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