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AIBU to expect my ex to wash the kids uniforms on the w/es he has them?!

(63 Posts)
Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 21:13:26

Background - been divorced for 7/8 yrs.

Great relationship until he met new partner has been with her 5 yrs and she has 11 yr old DD (so she has a school uniform).

She has meddled and stirred over the yrs to the point that Ex H and I no longer speak and the kids hate her (solely because she is mean to them). They choose to go in spite if her to have a relationship with their dad. They are 14 and 16 so old enough to choose although sometimes I feel they are going into a borderline mental abuse situation sad.

He has always refused to wash the kids uniforms when he has them. He even stops off here at home so they can leave their uniform here for me to wash. I have asked a few times for him to wash them when I have been going away but the kids have always come back saying he's said the washing machine broken/they have done their mixed/white wash this week so the uniforms are still dirty. hmm.

OH was here (we have 5 of our kids here every other weekend 2 DSDs who I would not dream of sending back to their mum with dirty clothes) when they stopped in on Friday and made them take their uniforms (it's 6 items of clothing) as we were going away.

They have returned saying their dad told them Friday night he didn't have time to do them although the kids watched him wash and iron her DDS uniform confused so now I have to send 2 teenagers to school tomorrow wearing jumpers they have worn for a week probably stinking and dirty on school photo day (they are woollen and new so don't want to risk tumble drying tonight and I could only afford to buy them 1 jumper each).

I just cannot understand why he needs to be such a dick and how she a mother herself could deliberately not wash her step children's clothes sad.

TigerBabyyy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:30:33

It is twattish of him to make a special journey with the uniform when he has to wash his other childs too.

Maybe they have a number of sets of uniform and dont do a uniform wash over the weekend

Darkesteyes Sun 22-Sep-13 21:30:43

Lots of expectations of women but male DPs get to shrug their shoulders and say ......meh and not be bothered even when its their own children. <checks calandar to double check what year we are in> Fucking hell.

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 21:33:39

Have to say on the very rare occasions that my DSSs stay with their mum from Friday - Sunday she doesn't wash their uniforms, empty their lunch bags or check for weekend homeworks. I would appreciate her dropping the stuff to me on a Friday evening rather than it all being returned at 6 on Sunday with the kids. Doesn't make your ex any less a dick though OP.

TigerBabyyy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:33:46

Have you posted about this before op?

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 21:34:35

Sorry would like to reiterate I do NOT expect his partner to do it.

When he lived on his own before her they were washed and ironed every weekend he had them.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:34:49

Why is it not her responsibility as well as his to make sure they have a clean uniform? She met a man who had two children already. Why does anyone think it's ok for her to not take some form of responsibility here?

I am a step mum. I married my husband knowing he had children and it was IMO my role to take them in. That includes their washing when they are with me.

I can not get my head around this thinking that step parents are absolved on any responsibility. They chose to be step parents FGS!

gamerchick Sun 22-Sep-13 21:35:22

Can you not stick them on a quick wash now and tumble them in the morning?

Do they really wear them for a week between washes?

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:35:42

And he is a fucking twat!

TigerBabyyy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:37:57


If he used to do it when he lived by himself then he should carry on doing it now hes not living by himself!

It sounds like his wife doesnt want him to do the uniforms.

AllDirections Sun 22-Sep-13 21:40:33

ThisWayForCrazy You also sound lovely smile

BruthasTortoise I also used to get lunchbags back complete with 2 day old remains. It's grim isn't it?

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 21:40:34

I have spare shirts and trousers but they have one jumper each as they were £25 each and I had to buy 3 on top of all the other uniform.

Cluelessandlost Sun 22-Sep-13 21:41:49

I know quire a few people are saying it's not her responsibility but I find it bloody immature not to do them but do her own kids. I was about half my step kids clothes as the clothes are always backwards and forwards between houses and yes does make the wash load a lot bigger but I'd look like right dick going out my way to separate theirs from mine and my kids when I was doing a load.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 21:42:01

Yes I also have unwashed lunch boxes.

I would feel ashamed to send my DSDs home like that and would fully expect their mum not to trust me to have them in my house.

Darkesteyes Sun 22-Sep-13 21:43:31

I think its bloody ridiculous.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:46

Aww thank you alldirections smile

One of my DSDs lives with me. Wonder how it would work if I didn't do his washing...

NachoAddict Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:52

darkesteyes if I were ill then dp would be doing all of hr washing and I would remind him to make sure dsd's was included. There are 6 of us so it would be easy to miss as there is usually more than enough of each type of washing for a load.

Dp doesn't expect me to wash dsd's clothes but I do the family washing, dsd is part of the family. It would be ridiculous for me to separate it out on the basis of wether I gave birth to her. I also wash the clothes of any of our nieces & nephews who stay with us and make sure all children are returned to their parents bathed.

oh and I polish dsd shoes and iron labels into her stuff too. Just as I do for my own kids.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:51:05


Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:04:55

The way I see it I chose to be with a guy who has 3 DCs therefore it is my job to facilitate that relationship and support him in that.

they did not choose to be in this situation - I did. Sometimes its bloody hard but I am an adult and they are children.

I also feel that it's healthy for his DCs to see that I respect their mum and that we are friendly - therefore yes relationships end but it doesn't mean it's negative.

I also genuinely love my step children and enjoy my relationship with them and enjoy seeing how lovely all 6 of our children are to each other when they are together. I love having a big family and loads of washing/cooking is part of that.

In contrast I think my kids are an annoyance to their step-mum - one of my kids (not ex's biologically but he has brought him up since he was 3 months old and allowed him to call him dad) has been totally cut out of his life. I know my DS sometimes tries to call humans he won't even speak to him.

I feel a bit like he is in a domestic abuse situation and isn't "allowed" any say in his parenting sad.

solveproblem Sun 22-Sep-13 22:07:57

I'm going to sound a bit twatish here (for the record I don't have any stepchildren) but I sometimes refuse to do things I think my DH can do himself just out of principle.
I let DHs pants and socks pile up on the landing until he realises they're not going to fly to the laundry basket themselves.

Maybe your ex and partner are having some issues and she is deliberately not doing this washing for them as she thinks it's his responsibility and she shouldn't have to do it? Or does not ever do any washing that has not been put in the basket (like me) and your DCs nor their dad are putting the items there?

Either way, your ex should do the washing or at least let the children do it themselves.

Darkesteyes Sun 22-Sep-13 22:26:10

Good point solve.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:29:08

Yes but Solve I would behave like a grown up when it came down to the kids - hence me not sending the kids with just their uniform next time like I really want to to punish HIM not THEM.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 22-Sep-13 22:32:33

YABU - because DP and I were screamed at and abused by my DSC mum (in front of them) for daring to touch their clothing, let alone wash it.

I tell all SMs that they have to resist the temptation to help out in any way - it's not welcomed by DSC mum and its best not to upset them!

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:33:44

ChinaCupsandSaucers I am not she.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:39

China, I think that may be a minority. All parents I know of would accept the step parents help in this situation. Including myself.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:47

Yanbu, He should wash them, one day a week and cba to wash his own kids clothesshock Disgrace of a man!

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