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To feel disappointed that my Mum considering going away when i'm having my 40th party.

(65 Posts)
Rollergirl1 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:00:59

I have spent the last few months trying to organise my 40th party. I have been talking to my Mum about it the entire time. DH's family will be travelling 250 miles to come to it and various friends quite a long distance too. As an aside I have been getting paranoid that I won't get the numbers and have been confiding to my Mum about this. Then the other day I asked her where she was planning to stay the night of the party. I offered for her to stay at ours or to book a room for her at the hotel that everyone else will be staying at. She said that they might not even be here as they are hoping to go away sometime in the month that my birthday is.

I was a bit upset about this and said that I was a bit disappointed that they were thinking of going away and missing it. She got really narky with me and reminded me that it is her partner's 65th that month also and that is as important to them as my 40th is for me. I could understand that if he was planning to have some kind of a do but he's not. They are retired and can go away whenever they want.

I would just really like my Mum to be there and hoped that she would make an effort to be there. Is that really selfish of me?

Mydelilah Tue 24-Sep-13 21:39:38

When I saw the title I thought you were my DSis! She's on MN somewhere (we've never told each other our nns). Anyway she was going through something similar with our DM who likes to go away at the time of year DSis is planning her 40th party, I think it's been resolved now as DM's holiday won't overlap.

As Coralanne said, DSis wants everyone important to her to be there, is agonising over every detail, has been planning for months and me and her friends are all chipping in, in our own ways, to the evening and DSis would have been very hurt if DPs didn't come so YANBU.

Suggest you talk to your DM about how much this means to you, possibly she doesn't realise that it's for family as well as friends? - can't she work her holiday plans around it?

Hope you have a fab party

thistlelicker Tue 24-Sep-13 21:07:40

My mums planning on going in holiday at the same time
I'm due my
Baby! Crap!!! I get where u coming
From op

Talkinpeace Tue 24-Sep-13 21:05:32

I go to my Mum's big birthday parties.
She does not come to mine.
Ever, ever, ever.
I has 2 21sts : one with family, one with friends. I have never mixed them.

heartisaspade Tue 24-Sep-13 20:46:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 24-Sep-13 19:16:52

the fact they might be away means they havnt booked it yet, so can book the weekend before/after - unless you are having your party on mums partners 65th iyswim

Mojavewonderer Tue 24-Sep-13 18:24:52

Aww that's really nasty of your mother to even consider going away over your birthday sad
Every year my family get together for a meal to celebrate everyone's birthday (that's about 11 birthdays for immediate family) I have 2 siblings and on each of their 40th's we've had a big do and no one would of dreamed of missing it. Mine is awhile away yet but I am looking forward to my big 'do'!

WingDefence Tue 24-Sep-13 13:38:20


Inertia Tue 24-Sep-13 13:33:33

If her partner's birthday is that month I don't get why they have to celebrate the 65th on OP's birthday. Does his birthday cover the entire month?

FunnyRunner Tue 24-Sep-13 12:54:36


mrsjay Tue 24-Sep-13 12:49:45

I wonder if all the people saying oh the mum and partner is fine to do what they like would have a holiday or go away on their adults child significant birthday party that you knew was happening or any family occasion at what age would it be ok for to be dismissive of your childs feelngs for a holiday

SirChenjin Tue 24-Sep-13 12:43:19

She can be selfish 364 other days of the year.


kali110 Tue 24-Sep-13 12:41:16

Yes but we dont know why they have to go at that time. I just think everyones being hard on the mum.i mean things like distance yourself from the mom! We dont know mum anout ops mum, whether shes been there for all of ops life, whether anything is wrong with the dp etc.i think at the mims age she should be allowed to be a bit selfish.

coralanne Tue 24-Sep-13 11:01:37

I went to my DH's niece's 40th birthday on Saturday.

It was wonderful. She had all the significant people in her life there.

Her beautiful sister and Mum did all the organizing and most of the cooking.

Next door neighbours of 40 years standing were there and school friends who were also neighbours growing up were there.

Her DD also turned 5 and several of her little friends were there.

It was truly a magical night.

coralanne Tue 24-Sep-13 10:56:18

OP said they are retired

kali110 Tue 24-Sep-13 10:50:57

What if the mum or dp cant get time off together except then, or maybe its cheaper then.
Just think that the mom deserves to put herself first now that op is an adult.we dont actually know why the mom has to go away at that time.

bleedingheart Tue 24-Sep-13 07:44:13

...confided in her about

bleedingheart Tue 24-Sep-13 07:42:34


I think it is very unlikely she can't get a holiday at any other time than on your birthday which you have been planning for a long time and that you have confided in.
I would be deeply hurt too.
I know lots of people on MN always minimise birthdays and question adults who celebrate but in my family most of the women haven't made it past fifty so if I get to forty, damn right I'll celebrate and my mum will be first on the dancefloor!

comingalongnicely Tue 24-Sep-13 07:35:10

The fact that they might be going away means the mum hasn't even made other plans yet.

For the rest, I'm not a birthday person, but I've been to lots of 40th - most had family as well as friends. It's an excuse to bring people in from the far flung corners of the UK if you haven't seen each other for a while.

YANBU, I'd be disappointed, but all you can do is make the most of the day you're going to have. Leave her to whatever she's got planned, she'll be the one that misses out on seeing the rest of the family & won't be in the photo's etc.

Eastpoint Tue 24-Sep-13 04:19:02


I think your mother saying she will be away is mean as she hasn't actually booked her trip yet.

I wonder whether she doesn't want to be reminded of her own age, is she older than her partner & sensitive about this? Does she usually want to be the centre of attention? We invited family to my 40th as it was intended to be a big fun inclusive party.

kali110 Tue 24-Sep-13 00:56:25

Op is 40 not 4! Yes she can be miffed that her mum may be away but we don't know the reasons why her mum&dp don't know the exact date they're going away.
So the mum will be selfish for missing op's birthday, will she be selfish to then put her dd party ahead of her dp?op isnt a child. When is it ok for her mom to be selfish?why cant she and her dp celebrate his birthday?if my dm says she cant make my birthday but will see me before or after thats fine. I think shes earnt the right to put herself first for a change.

Dancergirl Mon 23-Sep-13 18:42:48

But just because it isn't important to others not to have their parents there doesn't make it ok! There is a big difference between saying to your parents 'I'm having a party but it's mostly friends' and saying 'mum it would really mean a lot to me to have you there to celebrate'. To spurn your daughter who is saying the latter is incredibly hurtful IMO.

Expecting too much mrsjay??! By attending a special birthday party of their own child. It's a one-off not a regular thing.

This thread makes me very sad, what has happened to family values?

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 17:32:21

Actually no. I'd invite my friends. I went to someone's 40th recently and I can't say I spotted their parents there either.

Fair enough i suppose sayng that I invited my mum to my meal and she didnt want to come maybe we are expecting to much from parents

MillicentTendancies Mon 23-Sep-13 17:06:48

Yanbu to be upset.

She just sounds like she can't be arsed with it tbh and I would extend the same courtesy to her DP's 65th, a 29p cardzone job would be my effort there.

Hope you have a nice party - I wouldn't make too much of a fuss as is it possible this could be some sort of ill judged surprise? I was on a wedding forum where someone's mum said they couldn't make the wedding abroad broke the girls heart and then turned up on the day.

HearMyRoar Mon 23-Sep-13 15:01:14

Actually I disagree with you and think you are being rather childish. I think that it is her partner and though you don't say how long they have been together he is her family as well. A 65th is a big birthday particularly if it comes associated with retirement, bus passes, etc so I can absolutely see why it is important for them to do something together. Personally I've never understood why 40 is such a big deal.

I also don't see why a party trumps a holiday. They are both celebrations of one kind or another. Just because she has said she might go on a holiday for his birthday rather then your party is no reason for people to accuse her of being selfish. There may be many reasons why they can't go on dates that would allow her to attend the and suggesting that they should go on a date not including his birthday is mean spirited.

My dd's birthday is the day before my dp's and, though she is only 18 months at the moment, I can say right now that at some point in her adult life we will being going away for his birthday and missing whatever celebration she may be having. She will be a grown up and I hope quite capable of wishing us a nice time and celebrating without us.

I don't think YABU, my DH was really upset that his mum didnt come to his 30th, and it did taint it for him sad

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