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To feel disappointed that my Mum considering going away when i'm having my 40th party.

(65 Posts)
Rollergirl1 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:00:59

I have spent the last few months trying to organise my 40th party. I have been talking to my Mum about it the entire time. DH's family will be travelling 250 miles to come to it and various friends quite a long distance too. As an aside I have been getting paranoid that I won't get the numbers and have been confiding to my Mum about this. Then the other day I asked her where she was planning to stay the night of the party. I offered for her to stay at ours or to book a room for her at the hotel that everyone else will be staying at. She said that they might not even be here as they are hoping to go away sometime in the month that my birthday is.

I was a bit upset about this and said that I was a bit disappointed that they were thinking of going away and missing it. She got really narky with me and reminded me that it is her partner's 65th that month also and that is as important to them as my 40th is for me. I could understand that if he was planning to have some kind of a do but he's not. They are retired and can go away whenever they want.

I would just really like my Mum to be there and hoped that she would make an effort to be there. Is that really selfish of me?

MamaPingu Mon 23-Sep-13 09:42:29

I think a daughters 40th is more important than a partners 65th!
Should always put your kids first regardless of age, I hope she realises how selfish she is being.

For my mums birthday we went for a meal (me, mum, dad and my brother) and her parents refused to come because my mums brother has depression and would feel left out apparently. She was heart broken they couldn't just have one evening for her birthday sad

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 23-Sep-13 09:42:45

How close is her dp's birthday to your party? Ie how easy would it be for her to go away for her dp's bday and be back for yours?

Presumably the holiday is what her dp wants to do so if the two dates are very close together then she may be a bit torn.

If there is more than a week then she should be able to do both.

Ps If you live near me, are having the party during the day and don't mind really annoying small children I'm totally up for making the numbers up! We can invent a story as to how we met that makes us both sound really really cool! grin

kali110 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:52:51

Yanbu to feel upset but its also her dp birthday,its not ike shes just saying no i cant be arsed.
Really ott saying step away from your mum?really, just because her mum cant come to her birthday?shes an adult not a child! Feel sorry for your mum she cant win.

Dancergirl Mon 23-Sep-13 10:01:36

Should always put your kids first regardless of age, I hope she realises how selfish she is being

Totally agree. Yes her partner's 65th is important too but it sounds like they can be a bit flexible with the dates and she's choosing not to. The mum has known about the party for months, it's not as if it's just been sprung on her!

diddl Mon 23-Sep-13 11:36:53

"Should always put your kids first regardless of age, I hope she realises how selfish she is being"


Bloody hell.

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 11:43:57

well I dont agree with always putting adult children first and foremost that is a bit dramatic imo but on the party/birthday thing then I do think the OP mum is being selfish and thoughtless she gave birth to the op she knows when she is 40 , but tbh my mum would well was the same it is hurtful

peppersquint Mon 23-Sep-13 11:44:47

If she's not got form for this sort of think do you think this is an excuse and there is something she is not telling you

eg: she has something wrong with her, has to go to hospital/specialist or something and it falls on this date - she's not telling you because she doesn't want to worry you or ruin your big day?

I say this as something similar happened to a friend

diddl Mon 23-Sep-13 11:51:41

Back to the OP-I think that YANBU to be disappointed-but I'm sure your party won't be spoiled.

Do people really think that the mother is selfish for putting her partner above her adult daughter?

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 11:54:56

Do people really think that the mother is selfish for putting her partner above her adult daughter?

for her 40th birthday party yes I do think she is being a bit selfish she didn't even think to say oh yes your party well we will keep that date free it is one night the mother hasn't booked her holiday yet so she could book for 2 days after if she wanted but she is unsure and obviously needs to decide with her partner when to go, if it was me I would booka day or so later so i could go to my daughters party

diddl Mon 23-Sep-13 11:58:53

Well of course the mother may yet do both things.

But if I wanted to go away in a particular month & the only dates would mean that I couldn't go to my daughter's 40th, I really don't know if that would stop me from booking tbh.

Do you & your Mum see each other very often, OP?

WorkingItOutAsIGo Mon 23-Sep-13 12:16:07

I'm amazed at the number of people saying YABU. Families are meant to support each other and even to want to be there for each other and of course YANBU to hope your mother would move heaven and earth to celebrate her DD's 40th birthday. It's also a celebration for her too of being your mother for 40 years.

But if she's like this about something that matters so much to you, I bet she lets you down in other ways. This will just be a reflection of your wider relationship. You are not selfish to want a relationship with your mother which is mutually supportive and kind and caring, but you may just have to accept that, for whatever reason, you dont have that relationship. There are all these responses to you clutching at straws and propposing possible reasons why she might not be able to be there and its probably as simple as she is a bit of a crap mother. YANBU to wish her to be different but YABU not to accept that for whatever reason she is just a bit crap. Maybe she resents you, or hates parties, whatever, she is indeed letting you down. Accept it, and move on.

So, for your party, focus on what you have and enjoy and appreciate those people who clearly do care for you and are travelling long distances to be there. You will have a wonderful celebration with the people who love and care for you and if your mother isnt part of that its her choice, and perhaps her loss.

PS Bet you once she's kept you on tenterhooks she will come, and will continue to let you down and make it all about her. You will just need to ignore it as you will be having a wonderful time with your less complicated and needy family and friends.

diddl Mon 23-Sep-13 12:29:49

But maybe it's the mother's partner wanting to celebrate within certain dates of his own birthday, as I'm sure the OP is trying to get her party on or as close to her actual birthday?

LessMissAbs Mon 23-Sep-13 12:38:18

mrsjay really you wouldn't invite family to a 40hth birthday lessmiss

Actually no. I'd invite my friends. I went to someone's 40th recently and I can't say I spotted their parents there either.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 23-Sep-13 12:38:53

Same here. No parents. Just friends.

Tavv Mon 23-Sep-13 14:08:22

I'd probably invite mostly family, and a few friends.

I don't think YABU, my DH was really upset that his mum didnt come to his 30th, and it did taint it for him sad

HearMyRoar Mon 23-Sep-13 15:01:14

Actually I disagree with you and think you are being rather childish. I think that it is her partner and though you don't say how long they have been together he is her family as well. A 65th is a big birthday particularly if it comes associated with retirement, bus passes, etc so I can absolutely see why it is important for them to do something together. Personally I've never understood why 40 is such a big deal.

I also don't see why a party trumps a holiday. They are both celebrations of one kind or another. Just because she has said she might go on a holiday for his birthday rather then your party is no reason for people to accuse her of being selfish. There may be many reasons why they can't go on dates that would allow her to attend the and suggesting that they should go on a date not including his birthday is mean spirited.

My dd's birthday is the day before my dp's and, though she is only 18 months at the moment, I can say right now that at some point in her adult life we will being going away for his birthday and missing whatever celebration she may be having. She will be a grown up and I hope quite capable of wishing us a nice time and celebrating without us.

MillicentTendancies Mon 23-Sep-13 17:06:48

Yanbu to be upset.

She just sounds like she can't be arsed with it tbh and I would extend the same courtesy to her DP's 65th, a 29p cardzone job would be my effort there.

Hope you have a nice party - I wouldn't make too much of a fuss as is it possible this could be some sort of ill judged surprise? I was on a wedding forum where someone's mum said they couldn't make the wedding abroad broke the girls heart and then turned up on the day.

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 17:32:21

Actually no. I'd invite my friends. I went to someone's 40th recently and I can't say I spotted their parents there either.

Fair enough i suppose sayng that I invited my mum to my meal and she didnt want to come maybe we are expecting to much from parents

Dancergirl Mon 23-Sep-13 18:42:48

But just because it isn't important to others not to have their parents there doesn't make it ok! There is a big difference between saying to your parents 'I'm having a party but it's mostly friends' and saying 'mum it would really mean a lot to me to have you there to celebrate'. To spurn your daughter who is saying the latter is incredibly hurtful IMO.

Expecting too much mrsjay??! By attending a special birthday party of their own child. It's a one-off not a regular thing.

This thread makes me very sad, what has happened to family values?

kali110 Tue 24-Sep-13 00:56:25

Op is 40 not 4! Yes she can be miffed that her mum may be away but we don't know the reasons why her mum&dp don't know the exact date they're going away.
So the mum will be selfish for missing op's birthday, will she be selfish to then put her dd party ahead of her dp?op isnt a child. When is it ok for her mom to be selfish?why cant she and her dp celebrate his birthday?if my dm says she cant make my birthday but will see me before or after thats fine. I think shes earnt the right to put herself first for a change.

Eastpoint Tue 24-Sep-13 04:19:02


I think your mother saying she will be away is mean as she hasn't actually booked her trip yet.

I wonder whether she doesn't want to be reminded of her own age, is she older than her partner & sensitive about this? Does she usually want to be the centre of attention? We invited family to my 40th as it was intended to be a big fun inclusive party.

comingalongnicely Tue 24-Sep-13 07:35:10

The fact that they might be going away means the mum hasn't even made other plans yet.

For the rest, I'm not a birthday person, but I've been to lots of 40th - most had family as well as friends. It's an excuse to bring people in from the far flung corners of the UK if you haven't seen each other for a while.

YANBU, I'd be disappointed, but all you can do is make the most of the day you're going to have. Leave her to whatever she's got planned, she'll be the one that misses out on seeing the rest of the family & won't be in the photo's etc.

bleedingheart Tue 24-Sep-13 07:42:34


I think it is very unlikely she can't get a holiday at any other time than on your birthday which you have been planning for a long time and that you have confided in.
I would be deeply hurt too.
I know lots of people on MN always minimise birthdays and question adults who celebrate but in my family most of the women haven't made it past fifty so if I get to forty, damn right I'll celebrate and my mum will be first on the dancefloor!

bleedingheart Tue 24-Sep-13 07:44:13

...confided in her about

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