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To feel disappointed that my Mum considering going away when i'm having my 40th party.

(65 Posts)
Rollergirl1 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:00:59

I have spent the last few months trying to organise my 40th party. I have been talking to my Mum about it the entire time. DH's family will be travelling 250 miles to come to it and various friends quite a long distance too. As an aside I have been getting paranoid that I won't get the numbers and have been confiding to my Mum about this. Then the other day I asked her where she was planning to stay the night of the party. I offered for her to stay at ours or to book a room for her at the hotel that everyone else will be staying at. She said that they might not even be here as they are hoping to go away sometime in the month that my birthday is.

I was a bit upset about this and said that I was a bit disappointed that they were thinking of going away and missing it. She got really narky with me and reminded me that it is her partner's 65th that month also and that is as important to them as my 40th is for me. I could understand that if he was planning to have some kind of a do but he's not. They are retired and can go away whenever they want.

I would just really like my Mum to be there and hoped that she would make an effort to be there. Is that really selfish of me?

ChilliJo Sun 22-Sep-13 21:05:32

Either you're having a surprise party or she's going to surprise you by turning up at the one you organise after telling you she won't be there. Surely? She wouldn't miss it otherwise would she, unless she has form for this kind of selfish behaviour?

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 22-Sep-13 21:05:36

Erm I can see why your upset but tbh I don't think 40th's or parties are a big deal so I can also see your mum's point of view. I also don't think having a "do" trumps other types of celebrations such as ongoing away but that's because I would take going away over a party for myself any day!

I'm not saying you are unreasonable to be upset but not everyone feels parties are a big deal.

Rollergirl1 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:15:59

ChilliJo: No surprise party as DH and I have been organising it together. I think this is my Mum's way of telling me not to expect her to be there.

Ifcats: I get that parties aren't everyone's thing thing and I also get that that they want to celebrate her partners 65th. But I am having a party and it is on a certain date and it is a big deal for me and they can go away any time ensuring that they are around for the date. Yet they are considering choosing not to. I just find that a bit disappointing.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 23-Sep-13 07:46:30

Yanbu I would be disappointed too especially since you have been confiding in her. Surely she can plan to go before away or after your birthday.

I don't understand when people say birthdays aren't a big thing.its not as if you expect a big celebration but it is special to you and should be to those close to you regardless of how old you are. And yes 40 is something to celebrate about, have a fabulous party. smile

Tavv Mon 23-Sep-13 09:05:33

Did your mum definitely know she was going to be invited or could there have been a misunderstanding?

Dancergirl Mon 23-Sep-13 09:09:43


I would be very hurt if this was my mum, especially as your dh's family are travelling such a long way to be with you. Can you talk to her again and explain how much it means to you to have her there?

beanandspud Mon 23-Sep-13 09:12:05

YANBU for being disappointed but YABU for expecting your mum to change her plans for your party. 40th birthdays aren't a big deal for everyone. Yes, it's something to celebrate and it's special to you but your mum obviously has her own reasons for considering going away at the same time.

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 09:12:15

YANBU it is a birthday party her dds 40th I would be hurt too she can go away after or before, on my 40th i just went for a meal my mum didnt come said came out and said oh I can't come because i am going to the club with your dad and so n so and his wife I was fuming and really upset,

jacks365 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:13:38

Roller you sound very dismissive of your mums partners birthday that its not as important as yours because you are havibg a 'do' but it is and it sounds like your attitude may have annoyed your mum.

diddl Mon 23-Sep-13 09:14:48

But they can't go away when ever they want if it's for his bday, can they?

TBH-it's a party-you invite people & they say yes or no!

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 09:16:23

I dont think op dismissed the 65th at all she understood they wanted to celebrate it by going away her mum knows about the party the mum knows when her birthday is, just because the OP is a grown up doesn't mean she doesn't want to spend some time with her mother on her 40th birthday and it is a party,

LeGavrOrf Mon 23-Sep-13 09:16:52

I don't blame you for being upset.

What mother wouldn't want to be there for their daughter's 40th birthday party. I can't imagine you have a party every year so I don't think it is about the party per se. You have a lot of people coming from far and wide and of course you would expect your mother to be there. 'Where's your mother?' 'Oh she is in Fuengirola'

She is selfish. Is she usually like this? Does she normally have to have everything about her and not like that you are having some attention?

LessMissAbs Mon 23-Sep-13 09:17:42

Surely by the age of 40, you invite mostly friends to parties anyway?

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 09:19:50

really you wouldn't invite family to a 40hth birthday lessmiss

RandomCitizen Mon 23-Sep-13 09:20:32

Oh that is a shame OP. I get why you're fed up.

Without knowing your wider relationship with her it's hard to see if this is out of character, or what the reasons might be iyswim - how do you normally get on?

Fwiw I just had my 40th birthday and didn't do anything - I didn't even tell my children - but that's because I prefer it that way.

and get to stay 39 for ever

I know a lot of people who made a big fuss though and they have every right to as do you.

I hope it goes well whatever happens.

deepfriedsage Mon 23-Sep-13 09:22:48

This will not be a lone incident. I think you need to back away from your Mother, let her put her Man first, tell her you wish her well in her old age and put your energy into people who deserve it.

jacks365 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:24:51

She got really narky with me and reminded me that it is her partner's 65th that month also and that is as important to them as my 40th is for me. I could understand that if he was planning to have some kind of a do but he's not.

This is dismissive as it states the op could understand "if" he was having a do. Well they are celebrating by going away but the op wants it on her terms to put her birthday as a priority over his.

Dancergirl Mon 23-Sep-13 09:29:39

I really can't believe some of the responses on here! Are you not close to your mothers or think being with them at special times doesn't matter when you're grown up?

It's true that a 40th isn't a big deal for some people but it is FOR THE OP and she wants her mum to celebrate with her! Her mum has known about it for ages.

As a mum, I just can't imagine not being at a 40th birthday of one of my children especially if they really want me there.

ExcuseTypos Mon 23-Sep-13 09:30:14


Although I would ask, did she realise all along she was invited, or did she only realise when you asked her where she was staying? If the latter, then I think you can't really do much about it.

You have told her you are disappointed, so maybe she'll make sure she books her holiday, not around your party.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 23-Sep-13 09:34:05

Is it customary in your family to make such a big deal of birthdays?

I have never before heard of people travelling to stay in hotels for a birthday. Weddings yes, but birthday parties?

DontmindifIdo Mon 23-Sep-13 09:36:33

YANBU to feel disappointed, however, that's your mums choice. My mum does stuff like this, but I realised a long long time ago that if something isn't important to her directly, she is incapable of realising it might be important to other people or that even if she doesn't care about the event that it might be 'the done thing' for her to attend. Unfortunately, my Dad will just go along with what she wants.

My dad made a comment 2 days before my wedding that he didn't know many of the guest list. I had little sympathy, the bulk of the guests from my side were old friends, people I'd shared houses with, been on holiday with, who'd come to my birthday parties, BBQs and other events my parents had been invited too but had been elsewhere (my 21st was the last of my birthdays that my parents were in the country for, since they retired they now go away around then).

Invite lots of friends, people you know care. If your mum doesn't want to prioritise it, that's ok. But don't go out of your way for her next significant birthday. You are either a family who "do" big birthdays or you're not. Looks like you are not.

pianodoodle Mon 23-Sep-13 09:37:37

This will not be a lone incident. I think you need to back away from your Mother, let her put her Man first, tell her you wish her well in her old age and put your energy into people who deserve it

This seems way too harsh a reaction just for missing a birthday party?!

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 09:38:02

I went and stayed in a hotel for my friends sons 18th birthday party they moved a few years previous the boy asked us to come we went and stayed over night <shrug>

fluffyraggies Mon 23-Sep-13 09:39:55

Is this out of character for her OP?

I get that you are upset.

However what are the details? - for eg. - if i organised a big party with a band/DJ with teens, 20s, 30s, and 40s going and just my mum and maybe one other being an 'oldie' she'd HATE it and probably ask to be excused.

She hates loud music, she cant hear too well, she cant sit in a hard chair too long, doesn't like making small talk, has been tee-total all her life and she cant stay awake past 8pm these days without nodding off every ten mins. Also she doesn't drive so would need taking to the do and from it early, by someone prepared not to drink, as she wouldn't fork out for a cab.

Perhaps your party is not her kind of thing in one of the above ways?

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