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DP taken our son to his ex's

(76 Posts)
Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 21:55:13

My DP has a son by a different relationship, and he is due up tonight and DP has gone to pick him up, DP has just rung to say he has met his son and they are going to ex's house with his son (DSS) to collect clothes etc.

DP has taken our 5 month old son with him, I'm a first time mum and our DS was in intensive care for 6 days and I feel I'm incredibly protective of him he has reflux and I'm struggling to keep my confidence up that I am a good mum and doing right by him, when there are days he screams won't go down for a nap.

DP ex I know has struggled with us having a child together, she smokes in the house and smokes cannabis and I just don't want our son in a smokey house, being flaunted in front of her. I know he is going to be picked up like some trophy and he has already been sick tonight I just wanted him to have a car drive (hopefully to help send him to sleep) and come home. I don't want other people "pawing" over him, and I think this goes back to when he was so poorly he wasn't allowed anyone to pick him up except his me and his Dad (even when he came home we had to be careful)

DP refused to sit in the car while his son collected his clothes - I ended putting the phone down saying "bloody kid" as DSS needs a kick up the arse he is lazy, a liar, he is nearly 20 by the way.

Why did he have to take him in the house and flaunt him, and have him "pawed" over? Why does he have to go near the ex?

Liara Fri 20-Sep-13 21:59:50

I'm sorry, but there are so many issues in your OP that I can't even begin to address them all.

The only thing I can say is that you saw fit to have a son with your DP, you are just going to have to live with the fact that he is your ds's father and is responsible for what he does when he is with him. That will continue to be true even if you split up with your dp.

But seriously, in all kindness, you really should look into getting some counselling.

I wouldn't want my baby in that situation, but I hope that you can trust your dp to look after your son, and hopefully he will keep the visit as brief as possible. Fwiw, I grew up with two smokers, and have survived so I wouldn't worry too much about a short exposure to a smokey house - even though I absolutely agree that it is not a good place for a baby to be.

I do agree that it would have been perfectly reasonable for him to ask his son to nip into the house on his own, to get the clothes.

MintyDiamonds Fri 20-Sep-13 22:06:41

He's not just your son, he is your partners aswell so surely he can make decisions such as where to take his son? You do sound overly anxious, my 6 month old dd also spent a few weeks in NICU and has reflux and I probably was a bit precious with her, but you sound on an entire other level.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 20-Sep-13 22:07:15

He was picking up his elder son. He had the baby with him. He is proud and excited about the new baby, he wants to show him off.

I highly doubt he was smoking a spliff with his ex.


Unexpected Fri 20-Sep-13 22:11:10

If your ds has already been sick tonight, why did you thinking sending him for a car drive was a good idea? Regardless of whether he might fall asleep or not, it would probably have been better to keep him home with you.

cosydressinggown Fri 20-Sep-13 22:11:50

I'd feel the same as you so think YANBU.

You have every right to feel protective and to not want your baby in a smoky home.

In fact you have every right to not want your partner's ex holding your very young baby, even if she's Miss Fucking Congeniality.

Ask him not to do it again.

mehimandthegirls Fri 20-Sep-13 22:19:10

Tbh I decided where my dds go. I gave birth to them, they spend 95% of the time with me. If I say they don't go any where they don't go.

Op if you don't want your lo going in the house, tell him. He is not a trophy.

utreas Fri 20-Sep-13 22:24:35

YABU and frankly ridiculous, he's taken his son to pick up his other son and your sons half brother.

Fenton Fri 20-Sep-13 22:27:22

I think you are probably a bit cross with yourself about letting him take the baby for a drive while he picked his elder son up.

I wouldn't like the scenario you describe either but I think you'll have to bite the bullet and put this one down to experience.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 22:27:57

If he was looking after the baby while he collected his son and his son needed to pop home to get stuff, then what else was he supposed to do.

Say to his older child 'Sorry son, you're just going to have to wear the clothes you are in now until Sunday, because my wife won't let the baby anywhere near your mother. It doesn't matter if you don't have the things you need to do your homework, you'll just have to cope'?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 20-Sep-13 22:30:30


Fenton Fri 20-Sep-13 22:33:39

The situation was that a baby was in the home of and possibly in the hands of someone his mother does not have a great relationship with.

Anyone would feel uncomfortable about that.

GoingUpInTheWorld Fri 20-Sep-13 22:43:33


There is no reason for your dp to take the baby in the house. That would of been a bit of faffing around because a 20 year old is incapable of getting some clothes!!!


Brokensunglasses - the older ds is nearly 20 - he could have nipped into the house on his own, to collect the things he needed.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 23:07:16

I did miss that he was twenty, but even so, I can see a reason for a little discomfort, I can see a reason for a total flip out and argument over the phone.

The baby was with his Dad. He was fine. He wasn't visiting the other woman, he was with his Dad while his brother was collecting some clothes. It's almost a non issue.

If OP has asked if she WBU to feel a bit uncomfortable, I'd have said no. But it is unreasonable to make irrational demands over the phone for no good reason and then put it down when you don't get your own way.

Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 23:09:36

DSS popped home for his 40" flat screen TV!! FFS I've just done a loop the loop. He is meant to be spending time with his little brother and us and instead he intended to be in his room - DP just can't say no!

BTW I was on the phone upstairs when DP disappeared with our son - i think you are right - over excitement and wanting to "show" DS to all that are interested

I have calmed down a bit

PeppiNephrine Fri 20-Sep-13 23:09:58

The baby is as much your OH's as yours, and you can't control everything about their relationship and where they go.
You really do need to chill out, you're only hurting yourself.

Viviennemary Fri 20-Sep-13 23:13:36

I wouldn't be happy about this either. Your son should have stayed at home if he wasn't well.

PorkPieandPickle Fri 20-Sep-13 23:14:25

YANBU. It doesn't really matter whether anyone else thinks you should or should not be ok with this- the fact of the matter is that you weren't ok with it and your DP should have respected that.

I have a fantastic relationship with my DSS and an average civil relationship with DH's ex. I am pregnant with our first- DH will not be taking our child to his ex's. DSS I hope will have a fab relationship with his little bro/sis- but the baby is still nothing to do with DH's ex, any more than it would be anything to do with one of my ex's!!!

HeySoulSister Fri 20-Sep-13 23:14:31

Why would a 20 year old want to spend all weekend with a baby? Brother or not, it's boring. He got his tv. So what?

You sound very controlling.... You don't own that baby exclusively.

PeppiNephrine Fri 20-Sep-13 23:18:53

Of course it matters if its the babies father!

Why do some women insist on acting as if theirs is the only opinion that matters? Children have 2 parents, not 1, having a vagina isn't a golden trump card.

Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 23:37:40

We have TV's, WII, sky etc he's brought it for his bedroom so to me that says he is going to spend the majority if his time up there! His Dad is desperate for some family time.

I'm not controlling however I think what got my goat was not being asked before hand!

HeySoulSister Fri 20-Sep-13 23:41:00

Why should he ask for something which just crops up? He didn't plan it, it just happened
In fact, it's his son, why does he need your permission? He doesn't...

utreas Fri 20-Sep-13 23:44:04

Why do you need to be asked? You sound highly egotistical

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